Fruits Basket: Truth or dare
by Hickok
Summary: What happens when the Sohma family are seized by boredom and an insane fanfic writer? Easy. They play truth or dare!
1. Shigure and Ayame's dares

**__**

Fruits Basket: Truth or Dare.

DISCLAIMER: The characters of Fruits Basket do not belong to me. Sadly. They belong to Takaya Natsuki and though I have begged and pleaded with him, he will not let me share ownership of Akito. Meanie. What I do own however, is the character Lucifer. *Gets punted around the head* OW! Okay, sorry. I _share _trademark rights over him with my friend Hash. He is from a series we write together called "Satan's Realm" where he is having an explicit Yaoi relationship with Akito! *Giggles obscenely* But that's not why you have come here. You have come here to read about Fruits Basket. Therefore, continue reading and ignore my rambling.

**__**

One bright sunny day in Fruits Basket Japan land, the Sohma family all decided to get together so that an inevitable fanfic could take place. They agreed to gather at Shigure's house and sit around doing nothing until such a time as some random author appeared and possessed them, with her or his amazing powers of creativity. It had been two hours since they had all arrived and so far... nothing had happened...

DUN, DUN, DUN!

"Hmm..." Shigure muttered as he picked at a loose thread on his jumper. "Do you think that maybe the author has forgotten about us?"

Hatori's response was to twiddle his thumbs, first in a clockwise direction, then in an anti-clockwise direction. After a while he got dizzy and had to stop and concentrate on something else. Unfortunately for our lovable hentai Inu, it was not him.

Shigure sighed and looked around the room. No one else seemed willing to answer his question for they were all caught up in some pre-fanfic type activities. Kyou, who was sitting cross-legged on the floor beside Tohru, was glaring heatedly at Yuki who was glaring back at him hard enough to burn a hole through the Neko's head. Tohru, bless her sweet darling nature, (note the sarcasm) was sitting there with a puzzled expression that could only compare to how Ayame might look if Shigure just told him that he was having intimate relations with a woman. One might assume that Tohru was wondering why Kyou and Yuki were glaring at each other in such unfriendly ways. But then again, you never know with Tohru.

A loud snore drew Shigure's attention to the couch where the cute and cuddly (no, this is not sarcasm) master of the Sohma family was curled up sleeping. He resembled a delicate little angel with his shiny black hair, ivory skin and mouth wide enough to fit a couple of bowling balls in. He was snoring so ridiculously loudly that Kyou had more then once tried to stiffle him a pillow only to be stopped by Hatori. It was one of the many reasons Shigure was glad that he did not live at the main house.

The golden haired Momiji giggled randomly and then went silent again. A huge grin still covered his face though so it seemed he was still thinking of whatever it was that made him laugh. Three words: Fluffy pink bunnies.

The peace of the room was suddenly shattered by Ritsu leaping to his feet, inhaling deeply and screaming at the top of his lungs-

.... Three guesses.

....

....

If you said "Gomen-Nasai" then you're absolutely positively right. Geez, how'd you know? You physic or something?

"GOMEN-NASAI!!" Ritsu shrilled, causing the house to rumble and cracks to appear from every corner like jagged spider webs. Every Sohma covered their ears calmly except for Akito who was asleep and didn't even awaken at the sudden disturbance. Those are some really heavy drugs Hatori's got him on. 

"Oh Ritsu! It's alright!" Kisa placated in her soft voice, patting the disturbed monkey on the back. She was interrupted by Hiro who clambered to his feet and stood facing the monkey with his hands on his hips.

"No it's not." He snitched venomously; causing Ritsu to burst into another hail of "Gomen-nasai's" as Kisa tried to assure him that he didn't have to apologize for anything. He never believes anyone anyway so I don't really see the point. 

Kagura was sitting beside Shigure, staring dreamily at Kyou for a change. Little love hearts floated in her eyes and around her head, harassing Haru who was sitting on her other side. Haru didn't like those love hearts much. They made him think unsanitary thoughts about Yuki, which was the last thing he needed in such an enclosed space.

The only one in the room who didn't seem to be outwardly bored was Ayame who was winking at Shigure from his pouf and making obscene movements with his tongue and hand. You know the one and if you don't then I'm sure one of you're friends do.

Shigure smiled in satisfaction and leaned back against the edge of the couch. Akito had warned everyone that the first person to actually sit on it would be thrown out of the house. Such a delightful young man isn't he?

"My... aren't we a spirited bunch?" The Inu remarked, suddenly reminded that he really wanted to see that movie 'Spirited Away.' He was sure it had a little high school girl in it somewhere...

Momiji giggled and responded with a squeak. "Why yes Shigure! *Giggles* _I _think we are too!" He then giggled again as if by now that we weren't completely sure that he was hyper. We are.

"I think, and this is just my opinion, that Shigure was being sarcastic Momiji." Hatori said morbidly distracted from his thumbs for five seconds.

This confused the hyperactive Usagi who cocked his head to the side, causing his funny looking hat thing to fall askew.

"He was?"

Hatori nodded, whilst he inwardly tried to will himself to some random beach in Hawaii if only to escape the stupidity of this fanfic. The author however, did not like him and although getting rid of him would have been a wonderful solution, it was more fun to torture him by making him stay. So he did. Mwaa haa haa...

Momiji joined in this sudden Hatori bashing. "Ah, what would _you _know?!" He squeaked then went back to giggling stupidly. Hatori made a disgruntled moaning noise and tried to bash himself unconscious with a book. It was a soft covered manga though and thus had no effect what so ever on the poor dragon.

Hiro noticed the silence in the room and saw it as the perfect opportunity to complain.

"I'm bored!" He whined in the most unbelievably obnoxious way. Well it is Hiro so it probably _is _imaginable. "Bored, bored BORED!! ... Bored." He added quickly.

"So is the author." Shigure reasoned casting a small lip lick in Ayame's direction. "Why do you think she's writing this?"

"Because it's the only way to restrain herself from writing bad Akito/Lucifer yaoi lemons?" Hiro suggested, becoming the smartest person in the room for all of one sentence. Hatori nodded in agreement as he searched the room for other hard objects he could maim himself with. 

As if things weren't disturbing enough, Akito decided then and there to start sleep talking, confirming Hiro's suggestion and the author's secret desire all in one hit.

"Mmph?" He murmured rolling over to face the wall of the couch. "_Oh ... just to the left ... ya know I like it like that ... *snore"_

A long silence followed where everyone looked back and forth at one another not sure what to make of this frightening turn of events. Finally Haru saved the day.

"Look." He said calmly, raising both hands as though to keep the others from panicking. "I know it's been said until we're blue in the face ... but he's nuts." The 'he' in question was obviously Akito, but with that family it seemed kind of hypocritical for him of all people to start pointing fingers.

Tohru amazingly thought the same thing. With a disapproving frown she reached over and punched Haru hard in the arm. Yes, punched.

"Don't be mean!" She trilled as Haru rubbed his tender limb and wondered whether or not going Black would be a good idea. 

"Hey!!" He snapped, looking down right murderous. "What are you hitting me for? Akito's the one who almost pulled your hair out!"

"That's different." Tohru preached, her eyebrows knitted so tightly together they almost looked like one straight line. Now, try imagining google eyed Tohru with that expression on her face. Yes. It is weird. 

Haru was not satisfied with this response. "HOW?!" He shrieked, sounding like a little girl.

"It just is!!" She squealed back tossing her head as she turned on her heel to walk away. Haru got a face full of brown hair.

Shigure offered his own brand of advice as Haru prepared to go Black on the Rice Balls ass. "In other words the author's just biased." He stated wisely halting the Cow in mid metamorphosis. (WTF?)

Haru pondered for a while on his response then, finding it acceptable shrugged and sat back down. "Fair enough."

No sooner had he put his ass cheeks on the floor, then Ayame; no longer content with his trial separation from Shigure broke into a soprano version of Titanic's "My heart will go on," complete with eccentric arm movements. 

Shigure gazed at him mournfully. "Oh Aya my love! Why do you wail so?"

"Oh... it is just this... this ... eternal distance between us 'Gure-San!" The silver haired snake wailed throwing his arms up in the air. Yuki edged a little further away from him. "I don't know how long I can last whilst we are apart dear sweet Shigure!"

"You're only ten feet apart." Kyou muttered to deaf ears.

Shigure sparkled and clutched his hands beneath his chin in a traditional anime lovey-dovey pose.

"Precious Aya! Do not fear! I shall brave the endless abyss of carpet that aspires to stand between us to bring us together!" 

With that he leapt from the floor and ran in dramatic slow motion towards Ayame who was clinging to his pouf like a sissy. By the way, yes I know that the Japanese don't sit on pouf's so much as small mats but I'm writing this fic so that makes me GOD. And GOD says, 'Let there be pouf's.'

Shigure scooped up Ayame in his arms and posed dramatically whilst stars and sparklie's flew up behind him. Reunited once more, the eccentric gay couple, of which we are not sure actually _are _a gay couple, spent a few moments gazing into each other's eyes before Kyou got Homo-phobic and kicked Shigure in the leg, causing him to fall over. This did not have the desired effect that Kyou had hoped for since Ayame took it as a come on, on Shigure's behalf and began randomly groping him. Hatori covered Kisa and Hiro's eyes with the book he had previously been hitting himself with.

As he moved away from the sex-crazed bishounen's, Kyou had a sudden epiphany.

"Hey..." He muttered in a 'I have a most sinister of sinister plot's formulating in my brain' way. "Just how comatose do you think Akito is anyway?"

Everyone but Shigure and Ayame, who were, eh, "busy" turned to look at the snoozing Sohma who, for best left unknown reason's, had managed to turn himself upside down on the couch as he slept. Yuki pulled a face.

"I'd say he's pretty out to it."

"Good! Now's my chance!" Kyou cried gleefully as he raced off somewhere. There was the sound of banging in the next room, stuff being thrown around and the like. A few minutes later he emerged holding a plastic bag full of weed. "Found it!" He cried in triumph.

Hatori paled. "How'd you know where he hid it? Akito's stash is his most prized possession." He looked about nervously and bit his lip. "If he catches you with it again..."

Kyou rolled his crimson eyes in response. "He's not gonna catch me man and besides it wasn't that hard to find. He hid it in a pot plant. Dead give away." With that he sat down and started to pry open the baggy.

As soon as the seal on the bag had parted, Akito's eyes predictably shot open and he sprang from the couch onto Kyou fists flailing.

"How many times-." *Punch punch* "- have I told you to-.." *slap* "- stay away from-" *Right hook* "- my-.." *Kick* "- stash you little-.." *gouge* "- monster!?!?" Akito bellowed between various acts of violence on the feline. Not that Akito seems one to bellow. 'Shriek indignantly' is probably a better description...

"Ha! Look at that! Bloody favoritism!" Yuki snorted seemingly unaware that it was in fact _he _that was Akito's favourite. DUH! "In the old days you'd whip me if I so much as _looked _at your stash!"

Akito sat up, momentarily halting his attack on Kyou. "And your point is?" He asked, tone dangerous.

Of course Yuki backed down. "Uh... nothing. Carry on." He wheedled.

Akito went back to beating the tar out of Kyou.

Shigure, who had disentangled himself from Ayame at the disturbance glared at Kyou as he got to his feet.

"Oh look at what you've done now Kyou. Everything was nice and peaceful until you just _had _to rouse Akito." He crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. "Well I hope you're happy now."

Kyou screamed in pain.

Momiji giggled gleefully no doubt amused at the antics erupting around him. "Well I was really bored before. But all this fun action had cheered me up!" He exclaimed bouncing around on his butt. Does it even need to be mentioned that he was completely happy _before _Akito went ape shit on Kyou? Guess not.

It was then that Kagura snapped out of her fantasy that involved something like her and Kyou living in a castle together and riding around on beautiful white horses every day to see the source of her fantasy, getting literally turned into sauce by the Sohma family master. This required immediate action! 

"Hey!!" She yelled leaping angrily to her feet and brandishing her fists. "I'm the only one who beats up Kyou around here!!" 

Akito also stood up, but since I've never really compared their heights I have no idea who is taller and tallness is always a necessary factor in fights. So I've heard. 

"Oh yeah!?" He shrieked in a really girly way and exposed his bitch claws. Akito fans across the world all sweat dropped in unison.

"Yeah!" Was Kagura's quick response although you could just tell that she was _sooo~ooo _nervous about taking on Akito and his fingernails.

They started cat fighting, (no pun intended), leaving Kyou rolling around on the floor in a bleeding mess.

"Well ... personally I don't find this all that exciting..." Shigure declared as Ayame clung to his arm like a monkey on a branch. After a few moments of thoughtful thinking, (Once again, WTF?) the Inu came up with the perfect solution. "Hey I know! Let's play a game!"

And thus the point of this fanfic is finally reached.

Everyone stopped what he or she was doing to stare at Shigure. He immediately grew uncomfortable with so many sets of eyes on him that weren't high school girls.

"What?" He asked whinily, wishing that Aya wouldn't gyrate against him like that when he was trying to be taken seriously. For once.

Hatori looked at him with a worried expression. This may have been because he had been banging his head against the t.v for the past five minutes but who knows? "... A game?" He asked.

Shigure grinned enthusiastically. "Yeah you know... a game! Like Spin the bottle!" He momentarily eyed off Tohru who was staring off into a random corner where the plaster was still cracking

Yuki's teeth ground in his mouth. "Keep you're eyes to yourself _baka hentai Inu." _He warned and Shigure at least had the good grace to look ashamed of himself.

"Ooh ooh like Twister!" Momiji squealed getting even more excited, if that's possible. 

Akito just grinned disturbingly. "I'm thinking more along the lines of "Swirly." He hissed eyeing off the bathroom as he said it.

The thought of playing 'Swirly' was of some distress to Yuki. He shrieked in horror and curled up in a fetal position on the floor. 

"No! Not Swirly!" He screamed clutching at his head like Cloud in FF7. "It took me ages to get that nasty toilet smell out of my hair!" He shivered in revolt at the memory.

Haru saw the opportunity and leapt to Yuki's side to stroke his back comfortingly. "What about 'I never?'" He suggested grinning stupidly at the fact that he was touching Yuki. Yeah, he really does it for this author too. Or not.

"No it's been completely over used." Hatori declared getting involved in the game naming activity. "How about "Truth or Dare?""

"Yeah! Let's play Truth or Dare!" Kisa squeaked and did a full out Momiji where she bounced up and down on her butt. Unfortunately, Momiji saw her and _joined in. _

It took ten whole minutes to settle both of them down and by then the other Sohma's had set themselves up in a somewhat retarded circle. I say somewhat retarded because Akito as, 'Sohma family master' felt he had the right to have one whole side of the room to himself. The rest of the family was too scared to argue so he got what he wanted. 

"Okay then!" Shigure cried with a hearty clap of his hands. "Who wants to go first?"

"Oh I suppose I will." Ayame huffed, tossing his silver braid over his shoulder and almost braining Ritsu with it. "Fire away, 'Gure-San."

Shigure grinned for a moment at all the Yaoi implications that sentence invoked then shook himself to get rid of them. "All right then. Truth or dare Aya?" He asked in a flirty voice. As if he talks any other way.

"Dare." Ayame decided playing along with what he was sure would be something sweet and juicy. Of course he had to be wrong.

"Right... I dare you..." Shigure leaned close to Ayame and paused, smiling so seductively. He could practically hear the other man's heart speed up. "To... GO PLAY "SWIRLY" WITH AKITO!! MWAA HAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!!!"

Ayame screamed dramatically. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"OH YES!" Akito cackled grabbing a handful of Ayame's hair and dragging him off towards the bathroom. Ayame screamed a bit more as he was pulled headfirst into doorways and walls. 

"Ow! OW! NO not the hair!" He shrilled tears of pain and betrayal streaming down his face. "'GURE HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! HOW COULD YOU?!"

Akito shoved Ayame's head into the toilet and flushed. Ayame's long white hair went swirling around and around the toilet bowl getting all tangled up.

"Oh the indignity!" Sobbed the poor snake, though opening his mouth was probably not the wisest thing to do when his head was in the toilet. "'GURE!! Oh you'll pay for this! You'll pay for- Blark! OH EYUCK!!"

Luckily, Akito pulled his head out of the toilet at this point so he did not inhale too much toilet water. The Sohma family master ran cackling into the lounge room where, everyone, Yuki especially, was having a good laugh at Ayame's expense.

"That was great! Anyone else wanna go!?" Akito looked around expectantly as though they should be crawling over each other for a chance to play 'Swirly.' 

"Uh ... no thanks Akito." Haru declined as the others sweat dropped in unison.

Ayame reappeared crawling and sobbing into the room, his hair stained blue and tangled up horribly.

"Help... me..." He whimpered, eyes hidden by the layers of his knotted mane. "My beautiful hair..."

"Oh no... looks like it stained..." Akito said in fake sympathy. He then added with a deviant smile. "Oh dear ... guess we'll have to cut it all off..."

Ayame screamed again, no doubt earning himself a place in the Guinness Book of Records for the number of times a person can scream in one fanfic. "No!! Anything but that!! I'll wash it first!"

Akito picked up a pair of scissors that had just randomly appeared. "Let's not delay the inevitable..." He purred clacking the blades threateningly. "Come here Ayame my pet..."

The way he said that sounded similar to how a man in a black car with tinted windows would talk to little children in the street. In which case, Ayame saw himself going down a not very nice path.

"NO! STOP PLEASE!!" He cried and then seeing his pleading was doing no good turned and fled tail, Akito in hot pursuit.

[The author wishes to advice that running with scissors is a safety hazard and simply because insane psychopaths like Akito do it, no one else should. It is dangerous. Very, very dangerous. Don't do it. Thank you.]

"Alright... since Ayame is... uh, busy, I'll have the next turn." Shigure decided as his beloved's screams echoed around the house in the creepy resemblance of 'Project Zero.' "I'll do a dare."

It was left up to Hatori to think of a suitable dare for Shigure. And since he had all but killed off most of his remaining brain cells he was finding it a little hard to concentrate.

As he strained to come up with something a thought came to Momiji's bouncy little bunny mind.

"I have a good one!" He squeaked leaning up to whisper in Hatori's ear. The older man blushed quite uncharacteristically at what he was being told.

"Um Shigure? You have to; "Put on your dorkiest pair of boxers and wearing only them stand on the roof and scream like Tarzan for one whole minute."" He repeated turning a most unflattering shade of puce. Momiji giggled evilly and rolled around on the carpet enjoying the moment.

Shigure went quiet as he contemplated what he was being asked to do. Hatori was just about to suggest something else when the Inu spoke up.

"Oh is _that_ all?" He barked boredly. "I thought it would something difficult."

Without further hesitation he got to his feet and stripped off his clothes revealing a yellow and black pair of Hello Kitty boxers. "Well whose coming to watch?" He yelled cheerfully as he tromped outside.

A hushed silence fell over the remaining Sohma family. (OW!)

"... I take it he does this often then?" Hatori finally asked.

"Every full moon." Yuki replied miserably.

In the background Ayame tore past screaming hysterically with Akito still chasing him.

Kyou continued to squirm on the floor bleeding from his various wounds. "Please ... help me ... can't feel legs..." He moaned.

Everyone ignored him and traipsed outside. They formed a small crowd on the front lawn and watched as Shigure clambered up on the roof and struck a pose beside the chimney like an experienced underwear model.

The Inu coughed into his hand, clearing his throat. "Ahem ... Ahem ... Testing 1 2. Testing, testing 1 2 3 testing, testing." With no warning what so ever he started beating his chest and screaming like Tarzan at the top of his lungs. "AHHHHYAAAAAAAAAYAAAA! AHHHHHHAHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Some person I have creatively named Random Neighbor Person Thingy stuck his head out of the window to find the cause of disturbance.

"Hey shuttup Shigure!" He roared. "It's two weeks until the next full moon!!"

Other Random Neighbor Person Thingy also added her two cents worth. "Yeah give it a rest would ya? Between you and Kyou it's a wonder anyone sleeps around here!"

"Note to self." Yuki mumbled. "Next time use ball gag."

You as the audience, can take this remark any way you want.

The other Juunishi were thoroughly amused however and were rolling around on the grass laughing until they were crying. All except Hatori, who was trying to loosen a brick on the house, (not that the house is made of bricks but that's the great thing about being an author. You have a license to bullshit.) to beat himself over the head with. 

As if this wasn't bad enough Ayame ran past screaming again with Akito _still _chasing him. However upon seeing Shigure standing on the roof making like George of the Jungle he stopped to stare.

"Now just hold on one minute!!" Akito shrieked. I wish I could find another word just as befitting as shrieked but there really isn't one. "Why is Shigure the first to do this?"

"It was his dare Akito..." Yuki growled, developing a sudden twitch in his left eye.

Akito thrust a hand in his direction almost knocking Yuki flying. "Silence little sister! I don't remember asking you for you're opinion!!"

Hatori gave up his attempts on the brick and turned to the situation at hand, though he knew it would just make him want to kill himself even more. The joys of being the only sane person in a family of freaks. Oops, not that we're supposed to agree with Akito about that or anything.

"And just how is amnesia treating you Akito?"

Akito looked at the doctor, positively confused by what he had said. "Amnesia? W-Wha-? But... but... I-I don't have amnesia..." He stuttered. Hey, but at least he had stopped shrieking. 

Hatori looked rather grave and crossed his arms over his chest. "You must have forgotten that you have it. It happens." He added a sad shake of the head for effect.

Akito looked even more puzzled. O.O;; "I did?" 

Momiji bounced up and looked at the Sohma family master with his chocolate brown eyes. "Wow you have amnesia? What's it like Akito?! Do you feel all funky and stuff?" He seemed generally excited by this, for what reason escaped anyone. And for the record, trying to imagine a 'Funky Akito' tends to make one think of him wearing a rainbow wig and flares. Oh dear God, forget I said anything. For the sake of the universe, forget I said anything.

" ... Um... I forget..." Said Akito in response to Momiji's question. The little Usagi bounced up and down with glee.

"Ooh wow you're so lucky! I wish _I _had amnesia!"

"Hai. So do I." Yuki grumbled, obviously in an incredibly good mood.

Akito shook himself like a dog. Take a moment to visualize. "Do not change the subject inferior sub-ordinates!" He said, reverting back to his shrieking voice. "I was going to ask why Shigure is doing something to which I was not notified about!"

This time it was Haru who tried to knock some sense into his psychotic head. "It was his _dare _you crazy baka!" He said enunciating clearly so that Akito could understand him. 

But Akito was beyond reasoning. He was completely hysterical. "It needn't matter! As Sohma family master I should be the first to perform all completely derogatory tasks!"

"You usually are Akito." Hatori mumbled turning his attention back to the brick. The damn thing was better company then the entire Sohma family put together.

In the background Akito was getting louder, more high pitched and more, if possible, hysterical. "I _refuse_ to allow Shigure to be the center of attention for longer then I am!" He declared huffily and in a random move, stripped off his Kimono to reveal a bright orange pair of Cardcaptor Sakura boxers. He then scrambled onto the room, completely contradicting his physical condition, and stood next to Shigure trying to behave like a bigger idiot then he was. The rest of the family stood staring up at them, wondering just what kind of fanfic they had been trapped in.

"Here's to hoping Akito slips on that tile I loosened up there for Kyou..." Yuki said out loud thinking about 'killing two birds with one stone.' Kyou who had finally managed to drag his butt outside, nodded in agreement as he tied another bandage around his arm.

"Yeah with any luck..." He then thought about what Yuki had just said and something clunked into place. "Hey hold on-.."

He was distracted from any homicidal thoughts toward the Nezumi by the sudden loving embrace of a certain boar we all know and love.

"Kyou-kun! Oh my darling!!" Kagura exclaimed as she leapt onto his back.

Kyou: screamed in fear and hatred. "Stupid female!"

The older brunette developed a dangerous looking twitch that escalated into a full-blown rage. "OH KYOU!!" She thundered and started hitting him with all sharp objects in arms reach including Hatori's brick. "Why don't you love me?!?! Why, Why, Why, WHY!?!!??"

"My brick!" Hatori sobbed.

"Gyaaah!" Kyou cried running for his life. "Baka boar!!"

"Ha ha!! Scardy neko! Scardy neko! Ahahhahahaahahahah!!" Momiji squealed jumping from side to side as he pointed and laughed.

"This fanfic seems to be full of nothing but unnecessary violence and people running away from each other." Hatori mumbled as he retrieved his abused brick from the ground. Haru gave a slight nod of agreement.

"Yeah... I mean couldn't the author think of something more original?" He bitched, his personality somewhere between Black and White mode. He was startled by Yuki who slapped his hand over the cow's mouth and looked at him urgently.

"Don't say that! She'll be throwing in Yaoi next!" The Nezumi cried as he glanced about fearfully. 

Haru gasped and shut up, although we all know perfectly well that he wants nothing more then to get down and dirty with Yuki under the covers. Shh! Big secret!

Meanwhile on the roof it seemed as though Shigure had won out in the Tarzan contest. He continued hollering happily whilst Akito leant against the chimney for support, panting. 

"Ha ha! Shigure Sohma! King of the Jungle!" the Inu crowed leaping atop the chimney and brandishing a fist victoriously. As if to clarify it, he beat his fists against his chest again.

Akito reached up calmly and shoved Shigure down the chimney. "Baka Inu..."

"AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh" Came Shigure's fading scream as he plummeted downwards. A loud THUNK ensured from the lounge room followed by a far off 'Ow."

"OH NO! 'GURE!!" Ritsu screamed and ran inside sobbing and moaning. (Okay um, that sounded a little wrong.)

"Do you think Shigure's gonna be alright?" Tohru asked with a concerned expression.

"It is Akito I am more worried about at this point Miss Honda." Was Yuki's reply and he gestured to the roof as if to prove his point.

There was Akito dancing around crazily on the roof laughing much like Kefka would if he had taken speed and inhaled giggle gas all in the one go.

"OWEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!!" He, uh, giggled. "I AM THE ALMIGHTY AKITO SOHMA TO WHOM YOU ALL SHALL BOW DOWN BEFORE AND MARVEL AT MY DIGNITY AND MAGNIFICENCE!!" He shrieked pointing down at them all.

He's still only wearing his Cardcaptor boxers.

Tohru nodded in a brain washed way. "You are very dignified and magnificent Akito." 

Akito glared down at her as though she were absurd. "Of _course _I am Rice Ball!" He snitched and began strutting along the rooftop. "I will have order, I will have perfection..." He stopped and brandished a fist in the air. "I _will _have vanilla custard and ice cream!!"

"Um ... 'Tori? Has Akito had his medication today?" Yuki asked politely, though it was pretty clear what the answer would be.

Hatori sighed in aggravation and rubbed his forehead. "I knew I'd forgotten something..."

Above their heads Akito giggled like a bimbo and did a cartwheel. Yes, a cartwheel. "Wheee!" He cried sounding like Momiji.

"Gosh this is embarrassing..." Hatori grumbled then yelled up to Akito. "AT LEAST _ACT _LIKE YOU'RE SICK!!"

The Family master giggled and twirled some hair. "How about, like, no?" With that, he resumed his strutting, singing the Cardcaptor theme song.

It was times like these that Hatori seriously considered erasing his own memory. He wandered inside muttering to anyone that cared that he did not know the skinny enigma on the roof wearing the Cardcaptor boxers. He narrowly missed being bowled over by Ayame who was circling the house for the upteenth time, _still _screaming his head off.

Akito, who was in the middle of another, strut suddenly slipped on Yuki's loose tile. "WHOOPS!!" He cried as he plummeted off the roof and landed on Ayame, silencing his screams once and for all. "Oof!" He exclaimed giving his head a little shake and looking down at the unconscious snake. (Tee hee that rhymed!) "Well that was lucky... not so much for you but..." He suddenly twitched, as have most characters in this fic have done so far and got love hearts in his eyes. "Oh Ayame-San! You're my hero!" 

Akito threw his arms around Ayame and hugged him passionately. 

Yuki groaned and looked at the ground in defeat. "Told ya. Here comes the hentai..."

He however made no move to help his poor passed out brother who was being nuzzled by the over affectionate Akito and called repulsive pet names.

"Hey can we get back to playing the game already?" Hiro snarled who really didn't care what else was going on.

Kyou raced past, still trying to fend off Kagura. "Yeah lets keep playing already!!" He yowled. Because he's a cat and cat's yowl. ... I think.

They all trooped back inside, Akito still attached to the unconscious Ayame. They entered the lounge room to find Ritsu apologizing consistently to Shigure who was lying half in and half out of the fireplace looking as though an apology is the last thing that would help him.

"OH SHIGURE!! HOW COULD YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?!?" Ritsu sobbed clearly in his element.

Shigure, who was busy dusting himself off, looked half amused and half annoyed as are most people when exposed to Ritsu.

"Really Ri-chan. It's alrigh-.."

Ritsu cut him off. "NO!! NO IT IS NOT ALL RIGHT!! I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON!! HOW COULD I HAVE LET AKITO SHOVE YOU DOWN THE CHIMNEY WHILST I STOOD BY IDILY, DOING NOTHING!?!!"

"You would have started apologizing to Akito then for ruining his fun..." Yuki muttered with a roll of his eyes. If Ritsu heard this he ignored it because he continued with his apologizing vendetta unfazed.

"I'M A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING!!! GOMEN-NASAI!!!" With the dramatic flair worthy of an Oscar, he threw himself to the floor at Shigure's feet, hair spread out around his shoulder's like a chestnut cape. "PLEASE, CRUSH MY HEAD BENEATH YOU'RE GLORIFUL HEEL SO THAT I MAY BE REDEEMED!!"

"I'LL DO IT!!" Akito offered enthusiastically. 

Everyone glared at him.

"Um Ritsu... that's not really necessary-.." Shigure said climbing to his feet and offering the monkey his hand. Ritsu pulled away from it and threw his own arm against his forehead.

"YOU'RE RIGHT!! MY SKULL IS NOT WORTHY ENOUGH TO BE CRUSHED BY YOU'RE SHOES!! YOU'RE FOOTWEAR IS FAR TOO GOOD FOR ME!! I DON'T DESERVE TO BE REDEEMED!! ALLOW ME TO LIVE WITH THIS TERRIBLE GUILT IN THE HOPES THAT I MAY ONE DAY EXPLODE FROM IT!! LET ME-.."

"SHUTTUP!!" The other's screamed, near to exploding themselves with annoyance. Ritsu sobbed pathetically from his curled position on the floor and nodded until his head just about came off.

"HAI! HAI!" He cried then thankfully shut up.

Kyou growled irritably. "Lets keep going with the game already..."

(Chapter 2 should be up soon... if I get at least three nice reviews! This is only my first fic on the net so I hope at least one person likes it. Don't judge me too harshly! I'd love to get some dares mentioned to me from reviewer's but I don't know if that's allowed so I won't get my hopes up. Anyway, I beg you; I implore you, please review! Or flame, I don't care as long as I'm getting some attention! ^__^)


	2. Hatori's Dare: Men's shirts short skirts

**__**

Fruits Basket: Truth or Dare.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Fruits Basket. Nope. Not me. It belongs to Takaya Natsuki, someone who makes way much more money then me. Please don't sue me, because I like what little money I have. I also don't own any of Shania Twain's songs, which I count for as being a good thing.

(Sorry it's taken so long to update! My Internet died on me and I've only just been able to resurrect it! The reviews *snuffles* make me so- *snuffles again*- happy! ... I got cookies... *Cries anime tears* Thank you Kewie! Thank you everyone who reviewed! Except you Hash. Quit your whining about Ayame. If I wanna put his head in a toilet bowl, then gosh darn I _will _put his head in a toilet bowl! Are we clear? Yes I know I'm so romantic when I'm forceful. *Winks at Hash* Hmm, a lot of people want Yaoi... what will I do about that? *Smiles dirtily* Hatori fans will either thank me or hate me in this chapter. That's the only hint, beside the chapter title that I'll give you. Please read on and abandon hope all ye who enter this fanfic! MWAA HAAA HAAA HAAA!! )

Whilst Shigure cleaned himself up in the bathroom, (the first person to make a sick joke here shall face my wrath) the rest of the Sohma family returned to their previous position's in the living room. This was not as easy as it looked however, since Ayame was still unconscious and had to be carried inside; a fact not helped one tiny bit by Akito, who had his arms and legs wrapped around the snakes chest. 

Finally Kyou got fed up. "Dammit Akito!! Would you just get off the guy already so we can sit him down?!" He winced and covered his eyes. "And for the love of God would you put your robes back on!! I'm getting sick of looking at those boxers, not to mention your rubber chicken body!!"

Akito just continued grinning as though he hadn't heard a thing Kyou had said. Ah, selective hearing. It's a wonderful thing.

Tohru frowned at the neko. "That wasn't very nice calling him a rubber chicken, Kyou." She gently chided in that well renowned passive aggressive lead female way. "I think that you should apologize to Akito."

Kyou puffed up like Jigglypuff. "I didn't call him a rubber chicken! I said he had a rubber chicken _body_!! And why should I apologize to him anyway?!?!!?"

"Well... you might have hurt his feelings." Tohru murmured, backing down as usual. The day that she grows half a spine around members of the male community will be the day Yuki's fan club throw him over for Hiro.

"Akito hasn't got any feelings!" Kyou snapped glancing at the Sohma family master as he sparkled and cuddled up to Ayame affectionately. Momiji bounded up randomly, with a carrot protruding from between his teeth, just to ensure that he was carrying on with the rabbit stereotype. 

"But Kyou!" He squeaked, spraying lumps of chewed carrot all over the place. "Of course Akito has fillings! Remember how Hatori had to take him to the dentist last year because he ate too much candy and didn't brush his teeth three times a day so he got a CAVITY!!!" Momiji gasped dramatically as though he had just seen his mother naked. "And then the dentist got out the drill and started drilling Akitty's teeth and Akitty started screaming because the dentist had "forgotten" to use anaesthetic because she was a member of Yuki's fan club and Pretty Akitty got mad so he grabbed the dentist and started drilling a hole through her cheek and then- Oh Toh-ru!!"

Yes ladies and gentleman the Rice Ball has fainted. Why, you may ask? Well my dear friends, it is because she is the girl in this scene and girls always faint when they hear scary or disgusting stories because it is their job to do so. That and the fact that Tohru's friends made her sit down and watch that horror movie "The Dentist" when she was ten years old didn't help.

But because this is a really dramatic scene, it took forever for Tohru to fall over, which meant that Kyou and Yuki _both _had time to see it happening and started to run towards her in slow motion, arms outstretched to catch her. Can't you feel the tension folks?! No? Me neither.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~OOOOO~" Yuki bellowed in his high pitched girly voice. How anyone can bellow in a high pitched girly voice is beyond me, but if there is one person who can do it, it's Yuki.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~OOOOO~" Kyou bellowed back as he ran dramatically towards Tohru, whilst the _Baywatch _theme played in the background. Luckily our favorite neko was not donned out in the red swimsuit. Or this could be unfortunate depending on how perverted you are. 

All of a sudden the budget ran out and the author couldn't afford to use 'Dramatic slow-motion mode' anymore, so everything returned to normal. Tohru fell like a tree towards the ground, whilst Yuki and Kyou, who were not prepared for the sudden transition from slow-mo to normal speed, fell over her and landed in each others arms. Yaoi fans around the world screamed in ecstasy whilst the homophobes started writing nasty feedback to the author, stating a billion and one reason's why Yuki and Kyou can't like each other and why they can't get together. I'm telling you ahead of time that I don't care. This is my fanfic and I'll do whatever I like with it's characters so nyah. If you don't like it, then go and read some fic's in the general section or whatever it is you homophobes do. I wouldn't know.

"EWW! Get of me _baka neko!" _Yuki screamed pushing the startled cat backwards.

"Hey it's not like I _wanted_ to hug you!!" Kyou defended as he turned the same lovely color as his hair. This could be considered quite unhealthy, as Kyou's hair is more orange then red and people don't generally turn orange, unless there is something wrong with them.

As for our favorite rice ball *cough* she had landed on poor Momiji who had naturally, you know being a Jyuunishi and all, went up in a puff of yellow smoke and reappeared as a lovely little rabbit. As opposed to a non-lovely fat rabbit. But Momiji is neither un-lovely nor fat, so therefore he remains dubbed: A lovely little rabbit.

"I think the author needs to take her medication..." Kyou muttered, trying not to gag at the memory of Yuki touching him in such a Yaoi-ish way. He jumped about three feet in the air as Tohru sat up, obviously forgetting the first law of fainting; you generally don't recover right away. But Miss Honda was obviously too dumb to realize this.

"Miss Honda!" Exclaimed Yuki as he scrubbed at his body with a wire brush that came from nowhere. "Are you alright?"

Tohru nodded so perkily it would have made Bugs Bunny jealous. And speaking of bunnies, she just so happened to spy the one hopping along the carpet infront of her, with Momiji's hat on its back.

"Aww! A lovely little rabbit!" Tohru cooed having a momentary brain fart and forgetting the Sohma family curse completely. She scooped up the rabbit and cradled it in her arms as she petted it. "I will love him, and pat him, and feed him lettuce and call him Fluffykin's."

"Uh... Miss Honda?" Yuki asked, pausing in his attempts to scrub the top layer of his skin off. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Tohru looked at him with her wide perma-bulging eyes and nodded again.

"Of course I am Yuki! I am just wondering where this lovely little rabbit came from!" And with that she squeezed the living daylights out of the bunny, causing its eyes to bulge in an uncanny resemblance of her own. 

This disturbing scene was further enhanced by the author who walked in with a tray full of Zodiac shaped cookies and a big grin on her face. 

"God... she's elapsed into self insertion..." Haru moaned, slapping a hand against his forehead. "What more can this evil woman subject us to?"

"COOKIES!!" The author chirped holding the tray up high. "One of my reviewers made me cookies! Wasn't that nice?"

"Yes indeedly do." Hiro chirped mysteriously as he edged closer. "It was."

Kyou suddenly revealed the Samurai sword he had hidden in his inter dimensional pocket. That or up his ass. We'll go with that first one shall we?

"Hand over the cookies and no one will get hurt..." He said in what was supposed to be a threatening voice. It kind of lost the intended effect it would have otherwise possessed, had he not croaked warbishly on the last word. He cleared his throat and looked around hoping no one would notice.

"So how is puberty coming along, _baka neko_?" Yuki asked grinning.

A large vein pop appeared on Kyou's head and he waved the sword in Yuki's face dangerously. 

"Don't talk to me about puberty, Mr. Yuki-My-voice-actor-is-actually-a-girl-Sohma!!" He roared looking extremely silly to anyone who was watching. Yuki hardly noticed Kyou's accusation's or how ridiculous he looked, as he was rather pre occupied with the sharp phallic shaped object being pistoned towards his forehead. Haru immediately felt inadequate. 

"Uh... Tohru! You are hugging me very tightly!" Momiji piped up from the Rice-Balls arms. She looked down at him and gasped in surprise.

"Ah! The rabbit talked!" She squealed, predictably dropping the furry bun-bun onto the floor. All animal rights activists reading this are instantly outraged.

There was a loud puff and suddenly, Momiji was human again, lying sprawled out naked on the carpet with a bunch of Akito's birdies doing circles around his head. Tohru gasped again.

"Momiji! Where did you come from? And where are your clothes?!" She clucked quickly scooping up the random garments and throwing them onto his dormant form. "We weren't brought up in a barn you know!"

"I feel like I was." Yuki muttered wishing Kyou would move that shiny sword tip away from his face. "Um, Miss Honda? You _do _remember the family curse right? Right?"

Tohru just blinked stupidly at him.

Kyou and Yuki exchanged a look. No not that kind of look, although you can take it that way if you like. I live only to be of service to my audience.

"Akito..." Kyou drawled, turning his sword arm so the Pointy Phallic weapon of En Masse Yaoi Doom (TM) was pointed in the Family Master's direction. "You haven't gotten Hatori to erase Tohru's memories have you?"

Akito looked up from Ayame and immediately went into, 'Random whistling and look up at the ceiling mode.'

"Now why would you think that?" He asked innocently as the Author handed out Zodiac cookies to the Sohma family members. 

"Oh.... just a punt..." Yuki grunted as Tohru gazed around muttering to herself about how nice it was to visit 'The Prince's' house. We'll pretend, for the sake of being bias that she is talking about Akito. Even though he's more of a Queen then a prince.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Akito said in a totally non-convincing way. The fact that he was whistling some tuneless song and adjusting Ayame so that he was now in the immediate line of danger, were two small clues. "_I _haven't touched our dear Tohru's memories! Why would _I _want to erase Tohru's memories? I'm very fond of our dear _Tohru._" He turned away for a second and stuck a few pins in a brown haired voodoo doll that was dressed in a schoolgirl outfit. He then looked back at Yuki and Kyou and smiled nicely. "I wouldn't wish any harm to befall our precious Tohru whilst she lives under this roof and on my grounds."

Kyou and Yuki continued to stare venomously at Akito, who had started putting corn rows in Ayame's hair whilst he whistled 'Girls just wanna have fun.'

He was still only wearing his Card Captor boxers.

"Hatori!" Kyou yelled spinning around in a circle to face the dragon. Unfortunately, his cat reflexes decided to take the day off and so he ended up tripping over his own feet and falling over. "Oof!"

Everyone laughed and immediately, started to choke on their Jyuunishi cookies and died.

...

...

Okay not really. That would be really anti-climatic and the Hatori fans would hate me for not telling them what I am about to do to him. Mwah haa haaa haaa!!

"Uh... you do realize that we can hear every word of your narration you know?" Haru snapped between bites of Cow-cookie. Hatori sobbed quietly from the corner and actively contemplated running away to join the cast of Inu-Yasha. But he can't do that because his fangirls would bitch and stop watching Fruits Basket.

The author blushed guiltily and snuck out of the fanfic, almost tripping over Kyou as she went. Once her evil presence had left the building, Kyou jumped to his feet and brushed himself down, ignoring everyone's amused giggles.

"Uh... Hatori!" He cried dramatically, pointing the sword at the doctor. "Did you erase Tohru's memories?! Don't even think about lying to me now, because I will magically know if you do!!"

Fortunately Hatori could take care of himself. He rolled his one good eye and clambered to his feet trying not to think about what impending fate the author had in store for him.

"No Kyou, I did not erase Honda Tohru's memories." He said emotionlessly, as if he could speak any other way. "I think that what has happened to her is that she has suffered a severe acute case of short term memory loss. In case you hadn't noticed it happens a lot in this family."

"_Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." _Tohru sang, bobbing up and down in place. Everyone looked at her weirdly. 

"I think that 'Anonymous' put it best when he said; '_Insanity doesn't run in my family; it gallops._'" Yuki sighed, watching the girl that the script had chosen for him and suddenly developing a strong desire for Yaoi. "But Miss Honda's not family so I don't think I understand."

"A common problem." Kyou hissed sheathing his sword back into either his ass or inter dimensional pocket. "Since when do _you _ever understand anything _Chikushou Nezumi?"_

Yuki gasped like some bad daytime Television actor. "You take that back, _baka neko!_"

"Shan't!" Kyou huffed, striding across the room all dramatic like. Yuki went beat red and a pointy mouse-tail sprung up from the seat of his trousers.

"Kyou! Don't _make _me come over there!!" He threatened, in a voice almost as intimidating as Minny Mouse's. Everyone in the world laughed at him. All except Tohru and Akito. Tohru didn't laugh because she was too nice _and _she didn't get what was so funny anyway and Akito didn't laugh because Yuki is his _precious~ssss..._ Oh and he was busy trying to get in his brothers dress.

Before anything else too amusing could take place, Shigure finally returned from the bathroom decked out in a pair of bike shorts and a tight yellow singlet top. Okay, forget about that amusing part right now.

"Okay! Are we ready to carry on?" He asked joyfully jumping up and down in place. The Sohma's just stared at him in shock and horror. "Whaaaa~aaat-uh?!" He whined.

Kyou just sighed and rubbed his head. "Just when you thought the guy couldn't get any campier he goes and does this. You'd think I'd be expecting this by now."

"Just be thankful you didn't go to school with him." Hatori grumbled, as he proceeded to chain smoke at an alarming rate. Cigarettes were the only things that allowed him to deal with the eccentric Inu on a daily basis. Let's not even go into what he does in order to cope with Ayame.

Kyou mentally counted his blessings as the Sohma family returned to the game; Ritsu apologizing at a million miles a minute for taking up carpet that someone else could have sat on. Shigure gave him a playful chop on the head and the monkey shut up.

All the Jyuunishi were sitting in a circle again with the exception of Ayame who was slumped out cold against Shigure's shoulder, drooling. Akito was cuddling up to his arm affectionately with a stupid grin on his face.

"AKITO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!" Kyou and Black Haru yelled in unison. Akito just glared at them.

"Hmph! You're just jealous that the readers don't want to see _you _in your boxers!!" He sniffed, striking a porn star pose whilst still managing to hang onto Ayame. Kyou flared up like a FireCracker.

"FUCK YOU AKITO, _I _DONT WANNA SEE YOU IN YOUR BOXERS!!" He screamed like a frustrated child. "AND WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND CARD CAPTORS?! IT'S COMPETITION YOU DAMN BAKA, YOU CAN'T LIKE IT!!"

"Um... Kyou... I think that you should calm down." Tohru requested softly, randomly regaining her memories. 

"Yeah you stupid cat, we wanna keep playing the game." Hiro growled, ignoring Kisa who was begging him not to be rude. The cat turned on him then.

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU LITTLE BRAT!!" Kyou roared spraying spit like a fountain. "I'LL BEAT THE CRUD OUT OF YOU... YOU... SHEEP!!"

"Go ahead." Hiro snorted, looking smug. "But you'll get sent to prison for beating up a kid."

"And you know what's gonna happen to you in jail, Kyou-kun?" Momiji squealed in a sing song voice. "_You'll be someone's prison bitch!!_"

Yuki grinned at the vision of Kyou witnessing first hand the typical shower dilemma, then realized that he was thinking of Kyou nude and shut off his brain. He didn't want people to think that he was gay or anything...

"Um... I choose Hatori!" Shigure cried trying to get the fanfic back on track. To his immense relief Kyou concurred and sat back down, muttering various naughty words under his breath.

Hatori sighed and stubbed out his wonderful cigarette, feeling his very soul die with it. "Oh wonderful." He said, sounding not the least bit happy about it.

Shigure grinned and fluttered his eyelashes. "Well? Truth or dare?"

"Dare." The dragon said without hesitation. "Because there is no way I am ever going to give personal information to you Shigure."

The Inu groaned in defeat. "Aww... well it was worth a shot. Now what's something really ridiculous and embarrassing I can make Ha-Chan do?" 

He went off into day dream world for a while, trying desperately to think of a good dare. It was Akito's whistling that finally gave him an idea.

As Shigure whispered the task into Hatori's ear, the dragon paled exceptionally and furrowed his eyebrows.

"... I won't do it." He bitchily bitched. Shigure glared at him, with puffed out cheeks and a nasty look in his eyes.

"You will." He snarled, frothing at the mouth like a rabid dog.

Hatori scowled back, looking twice as threatening. He had more practice. "Or what?" He asked sarcastically.

Shigure's tone was menacing. "Or I'll get Tohru to hug you-"

"She already knows I turn into a seahorse Shigure." Hatori snapped, wishing that she didn't. Being the dragon of the zodiac was cool in many ways, but turning into a seahorse was just... sad. "You can't embarrass me into doing something more embarrassing."

"-and let Akito play 'Swirly' with you." Shigure finished, smiling in a most evil way. It looked kind of weird considering what he was wearing. " And let me tell you; I don't think the results will be quite the same as Ayame's, considering you'll be a seahorse and all."

The message was very clear; Do the dare, or do the long carnival ride down the sewerage pipes. After he considered this threat for a few moments, Hatori amazingly decided that the dare was the lesser of the two evils and hung his head.

"I'll do the dare..." He muttered, hating every single thing in the world at that moment. Shigure pumped his arm in the air.

"Great! I knew there was a party animal in you somewhere Ha-Chan!!"

"So, uh... what is it exactly that you are making Hatori do Shigure?" Yuki asked scratching his chin. 

Shigure grinned mischievously. "You'll see."

The Sohma family and Tohru were now standing outside on the side of the road watching Hatori prepare himself for the dare. All the neighbors had come out to watch and a generally large crowd was starting to form, eager to find out what could have brought the reclusive family into daylight. So far, they were proving to be as odd as everyone had thought.

There was Hatori Sohma, standing in the center of the road, surrounded by orange hazard cones that forced the flow of traffic to go around him. He was wearing his white lab coat, buttoned all the way up the front and had the most miserable expression on his face since he found out that people paired him with Ayame in fanfiction. That alone was entertaining enough to watch and Kyou had started a ticket booth a little off down the road to earn some extra money off of the 'event.'

Akito sniffed from beneath his giant black umbrella.

"Just how much longer do you expect me to wait, Shigure?" He snitched, pissy because they had to leave Ayame inside. "I can't stay out in this terrible sun for too long! You know my skin is extremely sensitive!"

Yuki looked up at the stormy grey sky and shook his head.

Shigure smiled broadly at the young family master. "Not too long now Akito. I just have to wait for Momiji to bring the last of the accessories." He paused to examine Akito for a minute. "Um... Akito... you do realize that we are out in public don't you?"

Akito blinked at him sarcastically. "Well judging by the cars and the people Shigure I would have to take a wild guess and say that; Yes, we are. Why do you ask such a ridiculous question?"

Shigure scratched his head and laughed nervously. "Because... your um... still only wearing your... Card Captor Sakura boxers... Sir..."

"Well... What do you know?! I am!!" Akito said as though deeply shocked. "Like wow! I like never noticed! Gosh Shigure, like, build a bridge and get over it!!"

With that he stormed off to harass Kyou, leaving the poor Inu puzzled over just what had happened.

"Hey Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggguuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu~uuuuuree!" Yelled Momiji as he ran full pelt towards the author. "I got what you wanted!!"

"Ah! Thank you Momiji!" Shigure beamed, patting the bunny on the head. He took the object that the boy held out to him and raced over to Hatori with it held aloft in one hand. "Oh Ha-chan! Here you go Ha-chan! We're just about set to go!!"

"Do I really have to do this?" Hatori muttered as Shigure slapped the musty old top hat atop the dragon's head. Dust flew up from it causing him to sneeze continuously. 

Shigure gasped. "Of course you do Hatori! You simply must! Would you prefer to go play 'Swirly?'" The silence confirmed his question. "I knew you didn't! Now, here's your microphone and stand. I want plenty of emotion in the words Ha-chan. After all, music is love and love is music."

Hatori did not feel much love for anything then, especially not music. But it beat being stuck down the sewerage pipes with the possibility of turning back into a human and experiencing a fate worse then death. 

Shigure gave him a big thumbs up and ran back to the side lines where Ritsu was holding a large boom box that almost squished him beneath it's weight.

"You can put it down now Ritsu!" Shigure chirped, pulling a CD out of a case in his hand and sticking it into the CD slot. The monkey immediately put the player down and burst into a frenzy of tears.

"Oh I'm so useless!!" He sobbed, burying his face in his dress sleeve. "How could I make you waste precious air by telling me to put down the boom box WHEN I COULD HAVE READ YOUR MIND AND PUT IT DOWN BEFORE YOU USED UP OXYGEN?!!? I'M A MISERABLE CREATURE!! MISERABLE, PATHETIC, PITIFUL!! OH SHIGURE, YOU MUST TAKE MY OWN AIR AS REPAYMENT FOR MY EVIL DEEDS!!"

With that, he grabbed the confused Inu, tilted him backwards and proceeded to breathe into his mouth. Yaoi fans around the nation wonder why this doesn't normally happen on the show and I reply because the writers have a silly vendetta against all Yaoi fans and don't want to give them any. They also have hatred towards all us Akito fans and therefore have vowed to make him as big an asshole as possible until the day he dies. But that's another story...

"R-Ritsu!!" Shigure spluttered, trying to tear his mouth away from the monkey who was breathing in and out so quickly he sounded like a prank caller. "How many times have I told you that the air you breathe out is Carbon monoxide! Not oxygen!!"

Ritsu gasped. "OH FORGIVE ME!! I HAVE MADE POOR 'GURE-SUN WASTE MORE AIR BY TRYING IN VAIN TO EDUCATE ME!! MY STUPIDITY IS A DANGER TO THE WORLD AROUND ME!! I SHOULD JUST KILL MYSELF AND SPARE EVERYONE THE PAIN OF LISTENING TO ME!!"

"No objections here..." Kyou muttered as he sauntered past in a ticket collectors hat and bum-bag. 

"GOMEN-NASAI!!" Ritsu screamed in determination, trying to hurl himself into the path of an oncoming truck. Tohru pulled him back to safety. 

"Ritsu! Don't do that!" She cried, stroking the boy's long chestnut hair. This caused him to wail even louder.

"Oh Tohru-Kun is so kind!!" He snuffled, accepting the handkerchief she offered him. "She is concerned that the truck driver may have clean my entrails off the truck later and waste time in between his delivery's! Her pity is wasted on someone like me!" He blew his nose loudly and handed her back the hanky. 

Tohru just looked at him, for the first time in her life not knowing what to say.

Shigure saved her the trouble. "Alright everyone! We're ready to execute Ha-chan's dare! Are you ready Hatori?"

The dragon looked up, banishing his last thoughts about snowflakes and shook his head sadly. He could not have looked sadder even if he were forced to erase Kana's memories a second time. Shigure however, was all smiles.

"Okay! Heeeeeeeeeeeee~eeeeeeeeeeeeere goes!" He sang, hitting the play button on the boom box. A whiny country beat started up and Kyou recognizing it, broke down in giggles at the thought of what Hatori was about to do. Everyone else however was confused.

Hatori mentally shook off stage fright, tried to envision himself naked and clasped a hold of the microphone stand. The metal was cold against his hand, almost as cold as his heart. Trying to put everything out of his head, he leaned close and started to sing, praying that the ground would suddenly swallow him up.

"_I'm going out tonight-I'm feelin' alright  
Gonna let it all hang out (_Obnoxious laugh from Kyou_.)  
Wanna make some noise-really raise my voice  
Yeah, I wanna scream and shout." _

Hatori swayed from side to side in time with the music then leaned close the microphone to deliver the, "Ha." The girls all fainted at the sexual nature of the voice whilst the guys just grunted that they could 'Do that.' No you couldn't boys, only Hatori can.  
  
"_No inhibitions-make no conditions  
Get a little outta line  
I ain't gonna act politically correct  
I only wanna have a good time  
_

The best thing about being a woman (Sweatdrops.)_  
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and..._  


__

Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady  
_Men's shirts-short skirts_." At this point, Hatori pulled back the hem of his coat to reveal one bare leg up to the tiny black mini skirt that barely covered his thighs. Shigure and the now revived girls screamed in delight, Kyou laughed hysterically, Tohru stared and Akito contemplated mass homicide. Hatori quickly concealed his limb and continued singing.  


"_Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style  
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction  
Color my hair-do what I dare  
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel  
Man! I feel like a woman! Hoo!_"

As the music strummed out the beats between the verses, Hatori slowly unbuttoned his lab coat just the way Shigure told him to; sliding each button out in a seductive manner, whilst trying to smile at the surrounding thousand or so people in the same way. It wasn't easy though considering that Kyou, Momiji and Hiro were rolling around on the ground laughing so hard they nearly wet their pants. Kagura was using the distraction to try and fall on the neko but Kyou was too busy enjoying himself to notice. Hatori sighed and threw off the coat, revealing the open buttoned white shirt and slinky black cocktail dress underneath. Fanboys throughout the audience just about creamed themselves whilst the girls began to drool at an alarming rate. Shigure seemed to be doing both.

Hatori nearly burst into tears and suddenly wanted his mummy for the first time since he was seven. No not that way you sicko's. Still, he was a very brave man and continued to sing away, gyrating his hips in smooth wave like motions. A sigh of unified appreciation erupted from the audience.  


"_The girls need a break-tonight we're gonna take  
The chance to get out on the town  
We don't need romance-we only wanna dance  
We're gonna let our hair hang down_" (Brushes his hand through his fringe.)  
  
_The best thing about being a woman   
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and..._  


__

Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady

Men's shirts-short skirts." Hatori tugged on the shirt's collar as he sang that line prompting another cry of satisfaction from his cousin and the fangirls/boys. He couldn't help thinking that Shigure had just been waiting for the chance to get him into such an outfit.  
"_Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style  
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction  
Color my hair-do what I dare  
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel  
Man! I feel like a woman! Hoo!_"

A long guitar solo started up and Hatori danced around between the orange cones feeling ridiculous. A twenty-car pile up had occurred behind him as the driver's attentions had all been diverted to the bishounen wonder singing a Shania Twain song. Hatori slowly peeled the white shirt off of his body, revealing that the black dress was strapless and the dragon had been forced to stuff a few pairs of socks down the front of it to keep it up. Regardless he looked rather good in it, as though you all couldn't tall from the drool status. The only problem was that he hadn't really taken the time to shave his legs before he started singing and thus his legs were rather... uh, hairy. If Ayame had been conscious at that point in time he would have been mortified._  
_

"Oh yeah. The best thing about being a woman   
Is the prerogative to have a little fun- fun-fun-"

Hatori paused long enough to whip the top hat off and toss it to the side in an elegant manner. His normally sensible brown hair had been done in a little bun on top of his head and he had curls running down the side of his face. If this wasn't bad enough he was wearing cherry red lipstick, mascara, black eyeliner and eyeshadow, foundation and blusher. Shigure had obviously been responsible for the application because if anyone else had done it Hatori would have ended up looking like a clown. Now he only looked like Ayame, minus the hair. Kyou laughed so hard he could barely breathe and Yuki, who had managed to stay serious up until that point, broke down completely, clutching his sides and cackling like a crazy chicken. Yep, just like Kureno.

Hatori exercised self-control that most of us can only hope to aspire to and returned his attention to the song_. It's almost over_ he kept repeating in his head_. Once it's over you can kill Shigure. It's almost over Hatori._  
  
  
"_Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady_

Men's shirts-short skirts." (Hatori raised an eyebrow seductively and the audience all fainted in rehearsed unison.)  
"_Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style. (_Campy pose_.)  
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction  
Color my hair-do what I dare  
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel  
Man! I feel like a woman! Hoo!_"_   
  
I get totally crazy  
Can you feel it  
Come, come, come on baby! Hoo, hoo, hoo!  
I feel like a woman!"_

The music strummed out its final beats and Hatori posed with one hand in the air dramatically. The audience erupted in applause whilst love hearts floated above the fangirls heads in awe and new found admiration of their beloved dragon. But the applause was none so apparent then over with the Sohma's, who were managing to clap between their various chuckles and guffaws. Shigure's grin nearly stretched around his head as he ran over to shake his poor cousin's hand.

"Well me old beauty! That wasn't so hard was it?!" He cheered, slapping Hatori heartily on the back. Hatori fell flat on his face. "Bet you feel totally invigorated inside, huh?"

"Hatori I am absolutely disgusted!" Akito shrieked from the sidelines as fangirls converged upon him. "This action is unforgivable! I will flog the skin from your back, just see if I don't!!"

"Wow... are those really Card captor Sakura boxers?" Some random boy asked with a wide-eyed Tohru expression. "I've been looking for them everywhere on E-Bay."

"GO AWAY!" Akito sobbed, not understanding why his beloved Hatori had forsaken him so. "Now is not the time to talk about boxers!!"

He whirled around and tottered back towards the house, nearly falling over as his head spun. No, not in the exorcist way, but considering that it is Akito we're talking about I would not be surprised.

As Hatori clambered to his high-heeled feet, he noticed a pair of similar shoes stop infront of his nose. He looked up into a very familiar pair of eyes, wondering if it was really her or if he had just hit the ground too hard.

"Kana?" He asked uncertainly. The woman looked at him with a puzzled expression and tossed her hair a little disdainfully.

"Hello Hatori..." She said, placing a finger on her chin. The dragon leapt to his feet so quickly he caused a hurricane in Tokyo.

"What are you doing here?" He asked with a hopeful look in his one, very lonely eye. Shigure got the hint and moved closer, hovering over Hatori's shoulder like some annoying black haired mosquito. Such was the similarity that Hatori nearly sprayed him with Mortine.

Kana put her hands on her hips. "Well, I came to tell you that absolutely at random my memories returned and I wanted to give our relationship another go-" Hatori lit up like a Christmas tree. "-but... after today's performance, I can see that your tastes tend to run a little, uh... _differently _then when we last met. So I guess I'll be seeing you."

With that, the love of Ha-chan's life spun on her heel and walked off, disappearing into the horny crowd before Hatori could say; "Truth or Dare my love!"

The dragon finally found his voice. "NO!" He screamed leaping recklessly into the throng in pursuit of his old lover. "You don't understand Kana! This isn't something I do regularly! Shigure threatened to flush my down the toilet!! WAIT!!"

He ran out into the streets away from the crowd, searching for her. A dramatic rain started to fall and Hatori went down on his knees in a convenient little puddle, sobbing as his makeup ran rivulets down his face.

"WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY???!!" Hatori screamed at the sky for 15 minutes. "WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME GOD?! WHY?!! WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYY??!!!"

This went on for around an hour, coming to an abrupt halt when Hatori lost his voice. He sat sullenly in the rain, wishing that he had taken the option of being flushed down the toilet when Shigure had given it to him. It would be a lot less painful then this.

'I wonder if Akito will allow me to erase _my _memories?' He wondered to himself.

__

  
(WILL HATORI EVER GET HIS BELOVED KANA BACK? WILL AKITO EVER PUT SOME CLOTHES ON? WILL THE NEXT VICTIM SUFFER EVEN MORE THEN HATORI HAS? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, IN FRUITS BASKET: TRUTH OR DARE!)

Thanks again to everyone who reviewed. I can't blame anyone who doesn't understand my writing because quite frankly I can't understand it myself! Chapter 3 will be up soon so keep reviewing please and to all Hatori fans; I hope I made it up to you! __^ Oh yeah and Pretty Akitty is my nickname for Akito, so I get Momiji to call him that too. *Sweat drops* Erm... I gotta go eat those cookies now. Bye! *Bolts*


	3. Kyou's Dare: Welcome to the real world

**__**

Fruits Basket: Truth or Dare.

DISCLAIMER: Fruits Basket and all of its fruity characters belong to Takaya Natsuki. Though one day... they will belong to me... One day... when I start taking hallucinogenic drugs and have wound up in a mental hospital. Wait... I think that's already happened...

(Thank you as always to everyone that reviewed. You guys are the best! I love you! Will you marry me? Ha, ha J/K although if anyone is willing/desperate please e-mail me right away. I'll be waiting at the mental hospital. Yay, I got sugar! *Leaps on sugar Digi-riven gave her and starts to rip the wrapper off* Ooh Pixie Stix! How did you know I'd run out? Thank you!! (Momiji suddenly runs in, grabs the Pixie Stix and runs out.) Hey! That cotton-tailed delinquent stole my candy! Now he'll be hyper for the fic and not me! *Pouts* Oh well, thanks anyway. I have more then enough incentive to keep writing since I have such lovely reviewers! By the way brightestnight I loved your idea for Momiji's dare! I think I might run with that one if that's okay with you? I personally don't think it's too mean. Don't worry everyone; I will not kill Haru, I will not torture Hatori _too much_, you will get to see Kyou suffer in this chapter and I'll squeeze Yuki in somewhere with his boxers. I'm trying to keep everyone (including myself) happy here so be patient! This chapter is one of my favorites so I hope that you all enjoy it!)

After they had cleaned up all the junk from the last dare the Sohma family sat around waiting for Hatori to return from his period of angst. Shigure had turned on the T.V to lighten the mood and immediately wished he hadn't.

"CARDCAPTORS?!" Kyou screamed as Akito began to sing along to the opening theme happily. "DAMN IT YOU MUTT!! WE ARE NOT WATCHING CARDCAPTORS!! TURN IT OVER!!"

"_Baka neko's _forgotten how to speak in lower case..." Yuki whispered to Hiro and Kisa who snickered to themselves. To his credit, Kyou did not notice, as he was too busy ordering Shigure around.

"No not this channel that's absolute garbage! – Who watches that you _baka _it's for old phogies who never grew out of the fifties!! This stuff is in Icelandic, do you _want _to sit here reading subtitles all afternoon?! What this?! Teletubbies?! Are you fucking mad, do you want to give me brain damage -??!!"

"Why can't we watch Card Captors?" Haru sniffed, anime tears streaming rivulets down his face. Everyone looked at him oddly. "Uh... I mean, for Akito's sake!!" He back peddled quickly, pointing a finger at the family master. Akito was braiding Ayame's hair and humming happily to himself; all interest in whatever was happening lost.

Shigure sobbed into Tohru's shoulder. "Kyou-Kun is a tyrant sweet Tohru! I feel blessed knowing that it was not he who became Sohma family master for imagine how I would have suffered then!"

"Shut up." Kyou said kindly.

Yuki frowned and leapt toward the Inu. "Let go of Miss. Honda!" He yelled grabbing a hold of the young girl's shoulders and pulling her away from his cousin. Shigure let go rather quickly, causing Yuki to careen off balance and fall on top of Kyou, who was sprawled in a beanbag. Tohru fell on top of both of them bringing the total of falling over people for this fanfic to... uh author has lost count.

Momiji however did not see this as another dirty Yaoi attempt on the author's behalf, oh no. He was either too innocent, or far too into that kind of thing.

"Ooh! I love 'Piles on!'" He squeaked as he bounded towards the beanbag and leapt on top of Tohru. (By the way, she didn't let her arms go around any of them so that's why they're not transforming here okay? Okay? Good.) Kyou grunted as the additional weight pushed him further into the beanbag. He was having difficulty breathing since his stomach was compressed and also because Yuki's face was pressed up right against his own. Still he couldn't help taking a jab at the mouse, especially at a moment like this.

"Like brother like brother, huh _Nezumi_?" He said to Yuki's uncomfortable expression. "Ayame will be glad to know that you've followed in his footsteps."

"Just wait until I get up, Kyou..." The mouse snarled, trying to move his lips as little as possible. He didn't want them accidentally brushing Kyou's.

BOMF! Another, lighter weight shoved their faces even closer together. Yuki turned his head in time so that all Kyou got was his ear in his mouth. It was an improvement to what might have happened if Yuki had not moved but it was still rather unpleasant...

"YAY! Pretty Akitty wants to play 'Piles on' too!" Momiji squealed, snuggling up closer to Tohru. They heard her yelp.

"Um excuse me..." She said timidly. "Please don't do that again whoever did... that."

"Do what Miss. Honda?" Yuki asked, grimacing as Kyou desperately tried to spit his ear out and only managing to coat everything in saliva. That cat had an excessive slobber problem.

Tohru squirmed lightly. "Um... someone pinched my backside..." She said blushing.

Kyou and Yuki both vein popped. "MOMIJI!!!"

"What?! It wasn't me!!" The _usagi _squeaked defensively over Tohru's shoulder. Akito's head appeared from behind his.

"Ah, sorry that must have been me." He said, grinning impishly at the cat, mouse and rice ball. "I... thought it was Yuki's..."

"WHAT?!" Yuki cried, disturbed.

"WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW, THERE'S HARDLY ANY

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HER HINEY AND YOURS!!" Akito shrieked back just as

loudly. Then he started to cry.

Yuki had no mercy. "That's not the point Akito! Why would you want to pinch my butt in the first place? That's just... WRONG!!"

"Oh and what you do with Kyou in those fanfics isn't?" Akito said, his crying stopping instantly. This time it was Kyou who was disturbed.

"You-sh read-sh theff?" He asked around Yuki's ear. Akito gave him the evil eye.

"Now _that _is beside the point!" He ponced, shaking his head arrogantly. "Fact to the matter is, that I am Sohma family master and _I _can do whatever _I _want with _my _Jyuunishi! Is that understood, Cat?"

Kyou glared. "Undershh-stand-sh shish Akit-sho... Get fu~"

"Uh... 'Piles on!'" Shigure yelled doing a full out belly flop on top of Akito. There was a cracking noise, like the sound of breaking bones and everyone froze in place.

Akito started to howl in agony. "My back! OH my back! Shigure you _baka inu _I think you've broken it!!" He started rolling around on the ground, clutching his sides and sobbing like a pansy. Shigure had gone white. "OH THE PAIN!! I CAN SEE A LIGHT!! I'M DYING!! I CAN SEE THE LIGHT I CAN SEE THE-"

There was another cracking sound. Everyone looked over to see Hiro and Kisa eating hard toffee that they were breaking apart before they put in their mouth. Hiro stared back at them, mouth full.

"What?" He whined through the toffee.

All eyes went back to Akito who was suddenly looking happier. 

"Oh, well that's all right then." He said climbing to his feet and brushing his boxers off.

His Card Captor Sakura boxers.

"Does this mean, we can't keep playing 'Piles on?'" Momiji whined sadly from the top of the pile. The column of people gave a sudden wiggle.

"NO WE CANNOT KEEP PLAYING 'PILES ON' MOMIJI, NOW GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!" Kyou screamed like my old school teacher. Trust me when I tell you that this is _scary. _"YUKI'S EAR KEEPS GOING IN MY MOUTH AND IT TASTES REALLY –...."

Before he could carry on with his FULL CAPS rant, the door blew open dramatically to reveal Hatori still donned in his Shania Twain attire. His make up was smeared all over his face, his hair was soaked from the rain and he was carrying a bottle of something presumably strong in a brown paper bag by his side. As they watched, he swigged from the bottle, hiccuped loudly and staggered into the room as the wind blew leaves around his form. It was almost too much. All there needed to be was some melancholy music playing in the background and for Hatori to break into song. Again, for those who didn't read the last chapter.

As if he was reading the authors thoughts, the drunken dragon staggered into the lounge room, gazed around at each Jyuunishi member in turn then flung his bottle laden hand out melodramatically, spilling half its contents over the wall.

"_All by my ~ *hic* ~ seeeeEEEee~llf-uh ~ *hic* ~" _Hatori warbled, with an expression of utmost pain and misery on his face. "_Don't wanna ~ *hic* ~ live all by myseee~EEElllFF-uh anymoooooooooooooo~oOOOOOOOOOoooRREee!!"_

He then went cross-eyed and fell unconscious to the floor. 

Everyone just stared for a few minutes until Kyou went crazy and threw everyone off of him whilst spinning his arms like a windmill. Shigure was more concerned about his comatose cousin at the present moment however.

"Ah... Ha-Chan is not as tuneful when he is drunk." He lobotomized, leaning down to crouch near Hatori's head. "I suppose I should remember that from his 21st birthday party, if he hadn't erased it from my memory."

Yuki peeled himself from the wall and straightened his limbs getting ready to literally swing a cat around the room. "Um Shigure? With all due respect, if Hatori erased your memories of that night then how did you remember it now?

Shigure scratched his head. "Well... I can actually remember the party; I just can't remember him singing. I can remember him getting up on the bar, but that's it."

"There are times I really wish I had Hatori's power." Kyou muttered looking around for a weapon that would repel a five foot four angry mouse. He settled on the Samurai sword in his as- er, I mean _inter dimensional pocket_ and held it infront of him like a swashbuckling hero. You may thank me for the visual.

Yuki stared at the pointy tip for a long time, trying to figure out how he could remedy this situation. Then he remembered his secret weapon. He reached into his pocket...

"Hey, keep your hands where I can see them!" Kyou growled tossing his hair from his eyes. Then to add to the pirate simile said; "Avast me-hearties!!"

"Kyou's just been to see Pirates of the Caribbean." Tohru explained to a confused assembly. 

"Hey, I wanted to see that movie!" Shigure pouted, with his bottom lip stuck out. "I heard Orlando Bloom's supposed to be really hot in it!!"

"You disgust me." Akito said nastily, for the first time in this entire fanfic not acting OOC. Then he ruined the entire transformation back to evilness. "Johnny Depp is _totally _hotter then Orlando Bloom. Tch. Pre-pubescent little Pom. I bet he hasn't got any hair on his chest!"

All eyes turned on him at once.

"Uh... last I checked, neither did _we _Akito..." Haru said slowly, the way one talks when they're dealing with a psycho. He was.

Akito spent a few moments procrastinating this and then finally, shrugged. "Yeah... I... guess we don't..." He went back to braiding Ayame's hair. Everyone sweat dropped in unison.

Yuki pulled his hand from his pocket in dramatic, jerky slow-mo. As the object of doom came into view, Kyou's mouth opened in a drawn out warbly scream of denial and he flung his arms up trying to shield his face from the horror... the monstrosity...

The ball of wool.

Yuki waved the soft cashmere sphere around playfully. 

"Ooh look what I've got..." He said all fake sweetly as though he had simply found the ball lying around. "Does Kyou want to _play _with the nice ball of wool?"

"No..." Kyou mumbled, dropping to his knees on the floor and rolling around in a fetal position. "No... I won't... you can't make me..."

"Fetch!" Yuki sang, rolling the ball across the floor. The _neko _wasup in a flash, scrambling after it on all fours.

"So round..." Kyou mused, chasing after the wool ball with a hypnotized expression on his face. Yuki just laughed at his cousin's expense. 

"Yuki!" Shigure scolded. "Are you still angry at Kyou for leaving that mouse trap in the kitchen with your favorite brand of cheese in it?"

"He had it coming." The mouse snarled as Kyou tossed the ball of wool into the air and started to gnaw at it with his teeth. "This is less painful then what I had to go through so I don't know why you're complaining."

But Shigure had lost all interest. He was staring down at the unconscious dragon with an evil look on his face whilst sleazy make out music played in the background. I'm sure you all know the type; it's the kind a teenage guy would have playing in his room the first night he ever gets some. Not that this is Shigure's case I would imagine but... I digress. 

"I wonder..." The Inu wondered, swinging his legs over either side of Hatori and straddling his waist. "... if Ha-Chan would object to me taking advantage of him in his weakened state?"

The reaction was instantaneous. It could not have been more effective had Shigure poured Tabasco sauce down the dragon's nose. Hatori groaned loudly and rubbed his forehead, returning from the world of 'One too many Pink Drink's.'

"Yes, he would." He replied to Shigure's question, all too aware that his cousin attempted this trick on him every time he was drunk. This is why Hatori hardly drinks.

Shigure vein popped and raised his fists to the sky. "W-Wha - ?! W-Why did you have to wake up Hatori?!!??!? I was finally going to win my bet with Aya!!"

"You and my _baka _brother bet on who could _rape _Ha-Chan first?" Yuki asked as Kyou wrestled with the wool in the background. "Why am I not surprised?"

Shigure nodded like an over excited child. "Yeah! Yeah! And I was _finally _going to seduce him and everything! Though, I would think by now I would have already managed it, because I mean, who can resist me? But since I can't remember doing it, and I obviously _did _do it, because there is no way that Hatori could have refused me, that must mean that Hatori erased my memory! GASP!!" He looked down at his cousin in exaggerated horror. "How could you do that Hari?! To me?! You're one and only love?!"

It was at this moment, that Ayame awoke from his coma, just in time to hear that last comment. Why now after all this time, you wonder? It is because I love cruel irony and we could use a little daytime drama in the middle of all this insanity.

****

DAY TIME DRAMA TIME:

Ayame's soft velvety blue stained head rose from the bare skin of Akito's shoulder. His temple still throbbed from where the family master had fallen on him but otherwise he didn't seem to have obtained any permanent injuries. (And let's face it, his brain couldn't get any worse then it already is.) The Clothes Designing snake, stretched his tired limbs and smacked his lips thinking back to the horrible nightmare he had just witnessed. 

~~~~~~~~~ _Freaky Dream sequence! ~~~~~~~~~_

He had been at his wedding, wearing the beautiful white gown he had made himself that really complimented his face and hair. A garland of white roses perched on the crown of this head and the usual array of sparkles hovered over his shoulders. He stepped out of his horse drawn carriage, into a field full of cutesy Bambi clones, pink fluffy bunnies and frolicking woodland creatures. Then... he had seen him... his groom.

Shigure.

He was a sight to behold; black hair slicked back, atoning wonderfully to the suit he had chosen to wear. He was running towards Ayame in romantic (More lovey dovey then 'Dramatic slow motion' isn't it?) slow motion, tossing flowers into the air and sparkling so much that the surrounding animals were blinded and fell to the ground twitching and whimpering.

Ayame ran towards him, silver/white (not blue) hair streaming out behind him like some gloriful ribbon of silk. The romantic music started up and fairies flew around in the sky, fire works exploded, the Bambi clones leapt joyfully through the grass and the readers got cavities.

Shigure drew nearer to his beloved and Ayame braced himself for the swaddling touch of his love sweeping him off of his feet and carrying him off into the sunset. 

But Shigure didn't stop.

He ran right past Ayame.

Ayame skidded to a halt, arm's still stuck out sideways like a pelican about to take flight. He didn't understand... Did 'Gure forget to put his glasses on or something? Did he not see him standing there? Ayame spun around to direct Shigure back towards him when he saw the most horrifying thing in the world.

Shigure scooped up Hatori into this arm's, Hatori who was wearing a wedding dress that looked strangely enough, just like his lab coat. Please envision this please. Ayame stared at the unfolding horror, with a look of thorough disbelief on his face. All around him the perfect blue sky turned blood red, the grass died, great crevices opened up in the earth's surface and cloven-hoofed demons spewed out feasting on the fluffy woodland friends of the animal kingdom. 

"I love you Ha-Chan!" Shigure said as the camera swooped in all dramatically, to focus on his totally over the top expression. Hatori gazed back, love and forced tears in his visible eye. The hair that hung over his other one was tied up, still over his eye, with a little pink ribbon. Eh...

"Oh Shigure... you know I always did love you!" He sobbed, rocking his head back and forth like daytime actors tend to do when they're speaking. "I just... just... didn't know how to say it!" He finished dramatically. Shigure sighed lovingly.

"Let us start a life together and have three children that you will inevitably die giving birth too, leaving me a suicidal wreak that sleeps with anyone just to feel like I'm worth something!" Said Shigure, extending an arm dramatically. Hatori squealed in delight... If you can even fathom the idea of Hatori squealing.

"I love you 'Gure!" He purred.

"I love you Hari!" Shigure cooed back.

"HEY!" Ayame yelled, leaping up and down whilst flapping his arms. His two cousins stared at him lackadaisically. (Cool word huh? Not quite sure what it means, but I think it would apply.) "What about me?! 'Gure! You always said I was your one true love! You promised to never leave me 'Gure!!"

Shigure shrugged. "Hey, don't get me wrong Aya. You're great to play around with, heck even better in the sack, but there comes a time when a man just wants something more then a bed buddy. And now is that time. Sorry."

"But you promised you'd never leave me!!" Ayame screamed in childish aggravation. His garland of flowers fell off and burst into flames as soon as it hit the ground.

"Oh yeah about that... I lied." Shigure said nastily, spinning on his heel and walking away into the sunset. Hatori peeped over his shoulder and stuck his tongue out at the poor downtrodden snake.

Ayame stared after them, tears carving rivulets down his face. He reached a hand out dramatically as beams of light shot out behind him. It was _so _Hollywood. 

"GGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" 

~~~~~~~~~ _End Freaky Dream sequence ~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

END DAYTIME DRAMA TIME.

"GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Ayame screamed as he woke up. He fell forward, tumbling away from Akito and leapt to his feet. "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

"What the Hell are you screaming about you ninny?!" Yuki scowled, wondering why his brother couldn't have fallen into a longer coma from which he'd never awaken. Nice little chap isn't he?

Ayame looked around, with a protruding wide-eyed expression much like Tohru if she had just sat down on a porcupine. Then he relaxed.

"Oh thank goodness!" He cried, tossing his long (blue) hair over his shoulder lovingly. "Why, I just had the most dastardly wicked dream ever! Shigure was running away to marry Hatori instead of me! Thank goodness it was only a dream though!"

Ayame gave a gay little laugh, and then happened to see the object of his love straddling the Sohma family physician who looked quite hung over. The laughter broke off into a high pitched girly scream of mortal horror.

"GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HOW COULD - *breathes* - YOU DO THIS?! I THOUGHT THAT YOU LOVED MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Damn! Has that guy got some fucking powerful lungs or what?!" Haru commented, calmly placing a pair of fluffy pink earmuffs over his ears. Yuki was desperately prodding at his ears to try and rid himself of the awful ringing sound that was reverberating through his skull. Kyou had abandoned the ball of wall and was standing up on the tips of his toes, cats ears and tail pointing up and quivering with barely suppressed feline energy.

"Oh AYA!" Came a joyful cry. Unfortunately for the snake, it was not from his love 'Gure. Akito leapt towards Ayame, in a way that defied all laws of physics and wrapped his entire body around the man's chest. "You have awakened! Let us never again let, something as insignificant and trivial as slumber, part us again!"

"Get off!" Ayame screamed for the first time in his life. He peeled Akito off of him like a sticker and then turned back towards the Inu, tears streaming down his face. "All I want to know is why 'Gure?! WHY have you forsaken me for this – this – this, this, THIS SEAHORSE?!"

"You better watch what you say to me about my Zodiac form Ayame, unless you want me to take your temperature Jyuunishi style." Hatori threatened, fishing a very large and very deadly looking phallic thermometer out of his dress pocket. Ayame gulped and back peddled quickly.

"Uh... what I meant to say is; DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE SHIGURE!!!???"

Akito latched onto his arm. "Isn't it enough that _I _love you, my love?"

Ayame shook him off again as he sobbed retardedly. "You don't count you crazy bird watcher!!"

"Now you all know how it feels." Kyou muttered, behaving normally know that the ball of wool had magically disappeared. Because she hasn't said anything for a while, Kagura made a special appearance just to throw her arms around Kyou and hug him savagely. 

"I LOVE YOU KYOU!!" She shrieked in his ear, just about deafening the poor cat. As he hopped about probing at his ear drum and trying to shake her off at the same time, Hatori went and had a shower, cleaned himself up, smoked a pack of cigars (WTF?) and made a batch of rice balls for everyone. 

Okay I was kidding. He didn't make the rice balls. That was Tohru's trivial attempt at trying to cheer everyone up, although Ritsu just started to apologize for making her do manual labor and Ayame was too distraught too eat. He did manage to glare at Hatori as the doctor swept back into the room, followed by an over the top cloud of grey smoke.

"Hari... I thought that you were far too mature to go around stealing other people's loves from them!" He snorted, tossing his rice ball at the dragon. It missed by a mile and splattered against the wall, sending rice flying like a mini-rice grenade. Hatori rolled his eye in response.

"For the love of God Ayame, I don't want Shigure!" He said, enunciating clearly so that the snake could understand him. "Shigure is my cousin and my friend (Hardly that) but that is all he is to me."

"Oh Ha-Chan! I'm hurt!" Came Shigure's voice from across the room. He was taking large bites from two separate rice balls that he held in each hand. All readers start having dirty thoughts and get nose bleeds. "I thought I meant more to you then that!"

"Shut up Shigure." Hatori said, nowhere near to forgiving the Inu for the indignation that he had suffered a good half-hour before hand. Ayame looked thrilled.

"They're already having their first lovers tiff!" He shrilled, standing on one leg and clutching his hands beneath his chin. "Soon, they shall break up! And 'Gure will be mine again!"

Akito snorted and spoke in that offhand way so that only the people watching the show could hear him. Although this isn't the show, it's only a lame fic but the same principle applies.

"Not unless I have something to do with it..." He muttered, doing his evil little grin. Ayame spun on him, with a confused expression on his face.

"Hmm? Did you say something, Akito?"

"I said; "And the man at the back said; 'Everyone attack' and it turned into a ballroom blitz." Akito said innocently, with the corner of his little finger in his mouth. He would have looked quite demure and cute had he not been mostly naked.

Ayame thought about this for a minute then nodded firmly. "I thought that's what you said. Anyway, Hari-boyfriend-theif-2003, would you like to select someone to go next?"

Hatori sighed and stuck five cigarettes in his mouth, lighting them all at once and puffing away. I swear this guy will be the next spokesperson for 'Quit' help line. "...I choose... Kyou..." He said emotionlessly. Why he had chosen Kyou is anyone's guess, but I, the author decided to do him next because he has thousands of fans out there and this will create good publicity for my fanfiction. God I'm so smart!

Kagura growled at all Kyou's readers and latched onto the _neko's _arm. "Kyou-kun is _mine!_" 

"No I'm NOT!!" Kyou insisted loudly as he tried to get away from the affectionate boar. An evil Satanistic theme of music started up and Kagura's eyes glowed red.

"YES YOU ARE KYOU!!" She screamed back, twice as loudly. She then proceeded to bash him senseless with her orange cat backpack. "YOU PROMISED TO MARRY ME WHEN WE WERE KID'S SO YOU BETTER NOT GO BACK ON THAT NOW!!"

Kyou started to cry as he was hammered into the ground like a nail. This was something no one in the entire world ever expected to see Kyou doing, alongside joining the Mardi Gra and offering to be Ayame's assistant at his shop. The other's all stood around watching with extremely shocked expressions, except for Tohru who was sighing and gazing at the two fondly.

"Ah! This is so beautiful!" She squealed, tears welling up in the corner's of her eyes. "Kagura and Kyou love each other so much!!"

Kyou screamed for mercy in the background.

Hiro looked out of the corner's of his eyes at Tohru, wondering just how badly she must have been treated as a child, if she thought that Kagura's decimation of Kyou was love.

"How can you call this love?" He asked, thinking that his tormenting of Kisa was much more romantic. Tohru sighed again with big googly hearts in her eyes.

"Well you know what they say! You hurt the ones you love!" She giggled.

Ayame leapt up in sudden realization. "THAT'S TRUE!! Oh 'Gure really does love me, he is simply breaking my heart to prove it! How romantic!!"

"Well, I guess you caught me out." Shigure grinned, pulling out a wedgie. Those bike shorts were really tight in all the wrong places...

Hatori ended the madness by stomping loudly on his cigarette. "That's enough! Now, we are getting this fanfic back on track and there shall be no more pointless interruptions before this dare! IS THAT CLEAR!!??!"

"Hmph! Hari is just jealous that 'Gure still loves me deep down." Ayame sniffed, flinging his hair back dramatically. It woomfed Haru right in the face.

"That's twice today!" The cow moaned and started up a record in a little journal to keep track of how many people tossed their hair into his eyes. He'd refer to it when he went on his next Black Rampage...

Kagura finally calmed down and let Kyou go, though he couldn't sit down without bursting into tears again. No one ever noticed that Kagura kept her brick collection in her little kitty bag...

"So Kyou... truth or dare?" The dragon asked in his usual monotone. If he was still hung over, he wasn't showing it.

Kyou considered for a long time. "Hmm... dare!" He said finally, puffing out his chest. He didn't want to look like a wimp infront of everyone else, especially Yuk- I mean, uh _Tohru. _*Cough*

Strangely enough, it was Hiro who came up with Kyou's dare. When Hatori told the _neko _what he would have to do the poor cat threw a temper tantrum that made even Akito proud, before he agreed to do it. This was somewhat due to Hatori suggesting that he instead marry Kagura for his dare and face a lifetime of torture and pain. Kyou chose the easy way out.

There was a second part of the dare however.

"You're kidding?" Yuki asked the group as Kyou stomped upstairs to get ready. "You want me to do _that_?"

"It will lack the effect that it would otherwise have if you didn't little brother!" Ayame chirped, trying to shake Akito off of his arm. "Just think of how much more interesting it would be if you agree to help!"

"I don't _care _how interesting it would be you snake!!" Yuki yelled, almost going supernova on his brother. "I'm not going to do it and that's FINAL!!"

Shigure just smiled and winked. "Very well Yuki. Momiji dear? Go fetch uncle Shigure the phone."

"Righto!" The young _usagi _yelled, racing off into the kitchen to fetch the cordless. He brought it to Shigure who started to punch in a number.

"Who are you calling?" Yuki asked, thinking that Shigure was up to no good as usual. He was right.

"Yes? Why heee~llo Ma'm!" Shigure sang down the receiver. "My name is Shigure Sohma! I'm Yuki Sohma's Guardian! I was just wondering if little Motoko was around by any chance? You see, Yuki is simply _dying _to see her and I thought maybe I'd just invite her around so that they could-"

Yuki snatched the phone and ended the call. "Point taken you evil Inu. I'll help with the dare."

Shigure just smiled and pinched the mouse's cheek.

A good half-hour later, they were all at the far side of the very crowded mall. Everyone minus Kyou and Yuki were simply milling around, making out that they were shopping or something when in fact they were there to ensure that Kyou carried out his dare correctly. Shigure was sitting on a little bench with a video camera filming the two teens that had yet to move from their secluded hiding place behind a pole. The pole was far too skinny to hide one person, let alone two but this is a cartoon and the laws of physics can be stretched and manipulated in order to provide an anime character with whatever he or she wants. Therefore both boys were sufficiently hidden.

Hatori and Akito were in a nearby cafe. Hatori was reading the newspaper and smoking, whilst Akito was just milling around, looking for Ayame as he sipped a hot cup of Java.

He was still only wearing his Card Captor Sakura boxers.

Ayame was wandering around in the ladies underwear section in a clothes shop somewhere. Tohru, Kisa, Kagura and Hiro were sitting on a bench just sort of waiting for something to happen. Momiji was doing laps around the mall, squealing at the top of his lungs and singing his little song at the same time. Ritsu was apologizing to a pile of dog poop that he had stepped in. Haru was checking out some trail bikes in a shop window and wishing that he had more money so that he could buy all the bikes in the world. And then sell them for ten dollars each! It was genius! GENIUS I TELL YOU!!

"Let's get something straight here, _mouse._" Kyou hissed, risking a peek around the pole. Shigure saw his crimson glare and waved cheerfully from behind the camera. "If you _ever _mention this event _again_, whether it be to me or someone else, I will throw you down to Hell. Understood?"

"I won't mention it, if you don't mention it, _baka neko._" The mouse agreed, straightening the neck of his shirt. "Well, come on. Let's just get it over with."

"Don't sound too eager or anything." Kyou growled and then, after a deep shuddering breath, stepped out after Yuki into the crowded Saturday mall.

A silence fell over the assorted people as everyone stopped to stare. You could have heard a pin drop the silence was that absolute. Kyou tossed his head, feeling his face burn with humiliation but he continued walking despite the weird looks both he and Yuki were getting.

Allow me to elaborate. 

Yuki, bless him, is wearing an old fashioned suit, much like you would see in 'Interview with the Vampire.' It had a frilly little lace tie thing tied around his neck, with pointy-toed boots pulled up over the tight red pants he was wearing. The shirt was white, but the jacket was a lurid green that only Ayame could have conceived. (I've actually seen a picture of Yuki dressed like this so that's where I got the idea.) He looked strange, but this didn't even compare to how Kyou looked.

The _neko _was wearing one of Ayame's most un-modest dresses, with slits up the side and a hem that barely covered his ass. (Sorry ladies but I want to keep the rating PG for now!) On his feet were a pair of six inch red high heels, that matched the elegant handbag swinging from his hand and the umbrella in the other. If this wasn't enough, there were flowers in his hair and his fingernails were pink. _Pink._

But amazingly enough, this wasn't what alarmed the Mall crawlers the most, oh no. What came as the biggest shock of all was not Yuki in Shakespeare attire and Kyou in drag oh no. It was the fact that the two cousins who so openly despised one another, who tried to kill each on a regular basis, who fought _constantly _for Tohru's attention, were in fact _holding hands. _

Yes, holding hands.

I'll give you all the next three seconds to get over that.

"Stop squeezing so hard _baka neko_, you're going to break my hand!" Yuki hissed, smiling at a little girl as they strolled past. Her mother quickly ushered her away to safety. 

Kyou snarled in response. "Gee and what a pity that would be. Can I help it if your hands are all sweaty? Are you nervous about holding someone's hand for the first time _nezumi_? Is that why you're dripping sweat?"

"Even if I did swing that way, I can assure you that I would not be getting all hot over a _baka _carrot topped loser like _you._" Yuki snitched, trying to break all of the bones in Kyou's hand with his own. Oh, yeah, can't you see the pheromones flying kiddies?

"Your dead as soon as this is over." Kyou promised and then concentrated on perfecting the girly walk Ayame had spent so long teaching him. His dare, in case you hadn't guessed by now, was to walk from one side of the mall to the other dressed as a girl whilst holding hands with Yuki. Kyou had yelled that it was closer to being suicide then an actual dare, but then again he had to be strong for his fans who by now I'm sure, are crying.

Oh by the way, please insert your own theme music for their stroll through the mall. I can personally see Kyou strutting along to "Vanilla Ice-Ice baby" but that's just me. 

"Oh yeah, that's the way boys!" Shigure cheered in a really pervy way. As per usual. "I'm going to play this tape again for their 21st birthdays! I _know_ they'll thank me!!"

Ayame waltzed up, carting a hundred or so bags from various underwear clothes and sat down next to him.

"Ah! My baby brother Yuki looks simply _dashing _in that suit I designed for him!" He cooed, sparkling madly. "Kyou could walk more lady like of course... But Yuki's a perfect little gentleman as is to be expected! It does run in the family after all! Just look at how tightly he's holding onto Kyou's hand, to keep him from tripping over and injuring himself! How gallant!" He obviously had not noticed the sour look on his younger brother's face that one could only replicate if they sucked on a lemon for an hour.

Shigure laughed. "Yes, Yuki is certainly a Prince! Though Kyou doesn't act much like a princess. What have you got in there Aya?" He attempted to peek into the bags Ayame was holding.

"Oh 'Gure! I found some simply _marvelous _underwear designs in this one shop! Though they were of course nowhere near as good as _mine_." He ego-tripped showing the Inu the bags contents. There were a bunch of lacy black bra's and panties inside that looked suspiciously Shigure's size. "I'm thinking of starting up a new line of clothes in my shop! 'Women's satin lingerie for men!' It'll be an instant success and will inspire all new trends of Manly Romance!" He screamed his logo with the passion of a thousand suns then quickly turned back to Shigure. "I thought maybe you'd help me design 'Gure? After all, next to Tohru you're my favorite model!"

"Yeah, yeah sure whatever..." Shigure said distractedly, staring back through the camera eyepiece. He suddenly whooped loudly. "That's the way Kyou! Show 'em what you're made of!"

"That was an accident you stupid mutt!!" Kyou yelled, quickly scrambling off of the pavement and pulling the dress back down to conceal his butt. His face was bright red. "You did that on purpose didn't you?!" He hissed to Yuki who was standing nearby clutching his stomach as he laughed. Tears rolled down his cheeks from his purple eyes.

"HAH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!! That wouldn't make it an accident then would it _baka neko?!" _He shrieked, trying to compose himself but failing completely. He fell to the ground and started rolling around, tears streaming from both of his eyes, as he laughed hard enough to cause an earthquake. 

"I hope Kyou's alright..." Tohru wondered, making as though to stand up then thinking better of it. Kagura was too busy drooling to make an articulate response.

Momiji suddenly dashed up beside Ayame who looked like he was on the verge of tears. Again.

"Hah! I didn't know that _baka neko _had frilly white panties!" He squealed, causing Ayame to up end all of his naughty underwear. "Does that mean that Kyou's a virgin?!"

"Of _course _he is Momiji!" Shigure said sounding as though the alternative was a truly ludicrous idea. "Who would want to hop into a sack with someone who coughs up fur balls for fun?"

"This coming from the guy who goes around sniffing other dogs butts." Hatori gruffed, not even looking up from his newspaper. Not that he was close enough to hear Shigure and Momiji's conversation but I figured that he was the appropriate one to make this comment.

Kyou was fed up. He was embarrassed, his head hurt from where he had hit the ground and he had the worst wedgie in the history of wedgies. He decided then and there to be a bad sport and GO HOME!

Which he did and the fanfic ended.

No not really. You should all know by now that I'm not that boring!

Kyou pointed a finger at the laughing mouse, trying to think of something threatening to go along with his accusing digit. Everyone who made a sick joke then can do themselves a favor from me and pat him or herself, on the back.

"I'M GOING HOME!!" He finally decided, because _God forbid _that Yuki wouldn't simply implode if Kyou were to go elsewhere away from him. With that being said, the neko spun on his red high heels, promptly tripped over them and landed on an old woman pushing a walking frame.

"Uh... Sorry ma'am!" Kyou prattled, trying to remedy the situation. Unfortunately neither the woman, nor the author was in any mood to make it better. The prior started screaming in the startled cat's face.

"HOOLIGAN!!" She shrieked, sending Kyou's hair flying back in the huge gust of wind from her lungs. "RUFFIAN! RUN ABOUT!! CRIMINAL! HELP, HELP!! I'M BEING HARASSED! SOMEBODY GET THE LAW!! HELP!!"

"What are you talking about lady? You didn't even fall over..." Kyou grumbled, as he looked around to see mall cops running from all directions. As they do in the movies but never do in real life. Like all random NPC cops, they looked exactly the same, which leads one think that they are either all related or all cloned. I'm going with that last one.

Yuki and Kyou exchanged a look. No not _that _look you filthy perverted people. It was a look that translated as; 'Oh-shit-we're-in-trouble' as music of the same name played in the background. I'm thinking the Matrix music in the second movie when Neo was battling all the million and one Agent Smith's.

"Mr. Anderson!" Yelled Mall Cop Clone 1 as he approached. The whole world stopped to stare at him. "Uh... I mean... It's him!"

"The anomaly." Said MCC2, straightening his tie as he spoke.

"Do we proceed?" Asked the third.

"Yes, he's-"

"-Still-"

"only human." Finished MCC1 with a devious look. Everyone continued to stare at them as though arms were sprouting out of their heads.

"What the hell...?" Kyou muttered, wondering if perhaps all the abuse he had suffered that day was finally getting to him. He'd heard that being hit around the head that much would do him brain damage some time soon.

MCC1 suddenly leapt into a full out karate stance, by standing on one leg with his arms extended like an albatross about to take flight. He also made that stupid stereo-type karate noise, the closest written approximation being; "Waaaaaaoooooooohhhhh...." To add to the effect he bobbed his arms up and down a bit. Oh, yeah I feel the power.

Yuki and Kyou looked at each other then back at the cop then everything went into dramatic slow motion. (I can afford it again.) Yuki, thinking on his leather booted feet, snatched the old woman's walking frame off of her and started lunging at the cops with it.

"Back! Back I say!!" He bellowed like a lion tamer. The cops screamed girlishly and ran around in circles, forgetting that they outnumber the skinny kid four to one, that they have guns _and _batons. Meanwhile, Kyou leapt forward towards MCC1 and poked him in the eye with his umbrella.

"HIYA!" He screamed and then proceeded to whack the shite out of the coppers with his lovely little handbag. MCC1 rubbed at his eye and scowled.

"Great! Now you've made my mascara run you little punk!!" He yelled, stepping on the old woman that had fallen over thanks to Lion Tamer Yuki. "Right! You've asked for it now!"

Suddenly, a million and one identical Mall cops spilled out of every shop in the mall, running in dramatic slow motion as the camera did all these tricky 360 spins around the action. Kyou was spinning full around full out ballerina style (but in a much more manly way of course) knocking cops left and right with his handbag and umbrella, as though they were in fact nunchaku's. Yuki was pushing MCC's back by the dozen, whilst screaming various shit like; "Get thee behind me Satan!" and "Down! Down you fiends!"

The crack of a whip caused everyone to look up. Yep, there was Akito Sohma, _in his Cardcaptor Sakura boxers,_ whipping the Mall Cops with a look on his face as though he were doing a load of washing on a sunny afternoon. He was humming cheerfully as two dozen Mall Cops lay bleeding to death on the floor at his feet.

"~_I see a man at the back, as a matter a fact, he's eyes were as red as the sun! And the girl in the corner let no one ignore her, cause she thinks she's the passionate one! ~" _He sang, as he whipped the whiskers off of the Cops. Hatori suddenly appeared from nowhere and dragged Akito out of the fray, muttering about how his singing was better when he was completely smashed.

"Hatori how _dare _you stop me from having fun! It's a good thing that you're out of reach of my bull whip sonny Jim or I swear I'd-" Hatori finally shut Akito up by shoving a ludicrously over sized needle into his neck and shooting him up with God knows what.

"Baka..." He muttered as Akito fell twitching to the floor.

Back in the Matrix fray, one Mall Cop had managed to dodge the wild attacks of Yuki and get close enough to bitch slap the young mouse. At the sound of the nasty hand striking Yuki's face, Haru glanced up from admiring the bicycle that he had been staring at for the last ten minutes and twitched.

"Yuki...?" He wondered, as the camera zoomed in all fantastically to show a stinging red mark on the _nezumi's _face. Haru started to shake as though he were in an 80's disco. "THAT'S IT!! NOBODY TOUCHES MY YUKI, AND LIVES TO SEE THE LIGHT OF THE NEXT DAY!!!" There was a blinding flash of light and the earth erupted beneath the cow's feet, carrying him dramatically upwards towards the roof as blood rained down from the heavens and the Virgin Mary started to weep. Black Haru posed all dramatically as the sudden wind from nowhere and pointed down at the milling Mall cops below. "FEEL THE FURY OF KUNG-COW!!" He screamed and suddenly leapt from the mound of earth, spearing towards the ground like a meteorite. He rammed into (heh, heh... Ahem, sorry) the cops sending them skittling like dominoes and proceeded to tear all their heads off in typical Haru Homicide fashion.

Kyou suddenly flew through the air towards a mall cop who was leaping towards him with a fist raised all evil like. The action paused long enough for a complete 360 spin around, and then Kyou smashed the cop into the ground with his handbag. The one after him suffered a similar fate with the umbrella and was sent careening up through the roof, screaming like a ninny. Yuki was spinning in a circle, knocking mall cops off of their feet and knocking over the special 360-spin camera. Shit, that thing was like sooo~oooo expensive.

"This is great!" Shigure cheered, as he ran around the action, doing his own cheap 360 special effects. Only someone with as much energy as he, Ayame or Momiji could have managed this and not passed out. "Excellent Haru! But you don't have the right _feel _for the moment! I want to see your _anguish_ over the mortal _dread_ of you _beloved _Yuki! All I can see is... erm, lots of blood and-"

Haru leapt up and grabbed Shigure's collar. "If you want to see anguish, how about I imprint it in your face you DAMN MUTT?!"

Shigure gulped and shook his head. "Well... uh, keep up the good work Haru!" He saluted then ran off quickly to film Kyou.

Meanwhile outside, a bunch of vans had pulled up with 'S.W.A.T' written on the sides of them. Butch looking guys in gas masks and body armor, hop out and professionally spread out.

"Secure the perimeter!" The Squad leader yelled, because he's squad leader and he gets to make the decisions. "There's a massacre of our fellow law enforcement officers going on inside! Exercise extreme caution men-"

"And women." Piped up some chick who's name badge read, "Loretta."

"Right... and women." The Squad leader corrected. "Evacuate the citizen's! Do not hesitate to kill! Remember that these are maniacs you are dealing with! They have already taken out many of our men inside-"

"-And women." Loretta corrected.

" – right, _and women, _and they will show you no mercy! MOVE OUT MEN!!"

"_And _women!" Loretta whined as she raced off towards the building.

"Oh shut up Loretta!" The Squad leader yelled.

Suddenly a helicopter also with S.W.A.T written on the side, flew up over the roof of the mall and shone its searchlights through the sunroof even though it was daytime and they didn't need to use them anyway. The roof had been shattered by Haru's tower of unholy earth and thus every scream, cry of rage or pain could be heard floating up from inside.

A guy in the helicopter raised a large megaphone to his mouth and started shouting in a stern voice, such as a mother would use when you've failed to hand in your homework for the fourth week running and your teacher has called them to complain.

"SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY!!" He yelled, as the searchlights zoomed all over the place crazily. "YOU ARE SURROUNDED FROM ALL SIDES!! IF YOU DO NOT GIVE IN AT ONCE THEN WE WILL BE FORCED TO OPEN FIRE!! WE WISH NOT TO RESORT TO SUCH EXTREME METHODS BUT-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M SO SORRY!!"

The searchlights came to focus on one single kimono donned individual. Ritsu was standing in the middle of the mall, staring wide eyed up at the helicopter as its blades sent his hair flying all over the place. 

"GOMEN-NASAI!!" He apologized in the only way he knows how too: Loudly. He was even louder then the guy with the megaphone and that's telling you something. "I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU ALL WASTE PETROL AND PRECIOUS TIME BY COMING OUT HERE TO DEAL WITH MY RIDICULOUS PITIFUL SELF!! I'D ASK YOU TO SHOOT ME BUT I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO WASTE BULLETS ON ME!! YOU MUST PUNISH ME!! PUNISH ME NOW!! PUNISH ME!!"

"It's attacking!!" The Pilot deduced as Ritsu's screams threatened to send the helicopter careening into oblivion. 

"OPEN FIRE!!" Another screamed, shouldering his machine gun. A million guns started firing at the poor innocent monkey, who despite his eagerness to be punished didn't seem too thrilled at the idea of having a bullet in his butt.

"GOMEN-NASAI!!" He screamed, running for his life. "I'M SORRYYYYYYYYYY!! I DIDN'T MEANT TO MAKE YOU WASTE BULLETS!! GOMEN-NASAI!!" He screamed again, leaping headfirst into the indoor fountain as bullets careened off of its marble surface.

Hatori glanced up from the magazine he was looking at and sighed. "Damn, this is going to be a lot of work to clean up..." He grumbled wondering just how he was going to erase a million and one S.W.A.T members memories. He returned his attention to the magazine whilst Akito continued to spaz around on the floor by his feet, still suffering the side effects of the medication.

"BEAUTIFUL!!" Shigure cried with tears in his eyes. Yuki had managed to pull off a perfect Scorpion Kick that had managed to knock down several cops at once. Unfortunately the cops had all landed on Shigure who was sent crashing into a large potted plant. "OWCHIES!! That was... urg, ... great Yuki!" 

Ayame meanwhile, was helping lead some female civilians to safety. (AKA: His car.) Kyou and Yuki had all but disappeared in the midst of MCC's, which had finally spurred Kagura into action. With he beloved kitty-cat in mortal danger, she snapped into full out 'Crazy Kagura' mode and started to beat the crap out of the cops.

"NEVER FEAR KYOU-KUN! I WILL SAVE YOU!!" She screamed, picking up a S.W.A.T member and throwing him up into the air. He careened off into the sky and there was a little ding signaling that he had gone pretty much the same way as Team Rocket in ever episode of Pokemon. Another S.W.A.T member leveled his gun at Kagura, inching his finger towards the trigger. Haru jumped on his back from nowhere, grabbed the semi-automatic weapon and proceeded to snap it in half. Then he broke the half into another half and those halves into more halves, and then he took all the pieces and shoved them down the cop's throat.

"MWAAA HAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAA!!" He cackled, sounding like Akito when he hasn't taken his medication. "THAT'LL TEACH YOU BASTARDS TO HURT MY LITTLE YUKI!!" 

Meanwhile, an entire line of soldiers were going trigger-happy on little Momiji.

"He's just a kid!!" One of them yelled, above the sound of gunfire. "How hard is it to hit a _kid?!_"

But Momiji is just a tad more hyperactive then normal kids. He was dodging all the bullets full out matrix style and squealing like a hyperactive child. Which he is.

Suddenly in the background, elevators cable snaps and the elevator plummets twenty stories down to the base level killing everyone inside. This has nothing to do with anything else that's going on at the present time but it seems to happen in all horror movies so I thought it should have its own spot here in my little fanfic.

Whilst all this great action was going on outside, you might be wondering where our little kiddy friends are; Hiro and Kisa? Well since you asked so nicely I will tell you. They are doing what all kids do when they go on a trip to the mall...

"Hatori can I have an ice cream?" Hiro asked, tugging on the doctor's sleeve.

Hatori didn't even look up from his magazine. It looked suspiciously like a porno. "..No."

"But Ha~taw~reee~!!!" Hiro whined, pronouncing his name as annoyingly as possible. "Kisa and I are hungry! We wanna ice cream!" He stomped his foot as though to emphasize the point.

"I have to go to the bathroom!" Kisa whimpered, hopping back and forth from foot to foot. Hatori finally looked at them, but he did so with his hands on his hips.

"Well you should have gone before you got here!" He scolded the young tiger. "Now you're just going to have to wait until I'm done reading!" With that, he returned his attention back to the magazine.

"But I really need to go!" Kisa sobbed and then suddenly pointed at Akito. "See?! Akito needs to go too! He's doing the pee-pee dance!"

Akito was in fact twitching around on the floor in circles and acting as though he was possessed for a change. Paint me surprised.

"I WANNA ICE CREAM!!" Hiro demanded, more... eh, demandingly. 

"No." Hatori said, starting to sound annoyed. In the background Tohru was reading a cooking magazine and 'oohing' at all the recipes and thinking about the great dinner she was going to cook that night for everyone. Erratic killing sprees were sure to work up an appetite!

"I need to go PEE!" Kisa cried, beginning to spaz out in a totally un-Kisa like manner.

"I WANT A GODDAMN ICE CREAM!!" Hiro screamed at the top of his lungs.

"No." Hatori repeated, still monotonously but with a sharper edge to it.

Kisa suddenly lunged forward and grabbed Hatori by his collar. "Listen Mother Fucker. Take me to the toilet, _right this second _or I will carve out your one good eye and make Hiro an ice cream out of it." She snarled in a tone that would have made Hannibal Lector wet his pants.

Hatori gulped and gently picked her up. "Uh... I'll take you to the toilet then shall I?"

"Thanks Hatori!" Squealed Kisa, suddenly all sweetness again. "And can Hiro get his ice cream on the way?"

"Of course..." Hatori said sweat dropping as he grabbed the kids and weaved through the battlefield to get to the toilets.

"YAY!!" Hiro yelled. He had to duck to avoid being hit in the head by a cop who Haru was holding around the ankles and using as a bludgeon to smite down anyone who got in his way.

"FOR MY LOVE YUKI!!" He roared smacking five or six cops flat with his human baton. "I SHALL STRIKE THEE DOWN!!"

"This is _excellent!_" Shigure sighed, feeling as though all his Christmas's had come at once. Suddenly, a Mall cop came barreling up to him and attempted to push him back.

"Sorry Sir! No reporters here!" He shouted, trying to shove the camera out of the way.

"I'm not a reporter!" Shigure yelled, offended at not being recognized as the famous author of trashy love stories everywhere. "I'm Shigure Sohma! Author extrordinare!"

The cop blinked at him. "Uh... okay... Well, author, reporter no ones safe around this lot so I suggest you leave..." He reached down and tried to push the camera away again. Shigure leant away from the cop and tripped the eyepiece of the camera bashing him against the nose and causing it to bleed.

"Ouch!" He cried girlishly, touching his nose. "OH MY BEAUTIFUL NOSE!!" He wailed.

Ayame heard of course and turned from the girl he had been 'escorting' to safety to see his one and only love 'Gure... BLEEDING!

"Gure-San's been injured!!" He screamed, shoving the girl aside and running toward the dark haired Inu all dramatic like. "RETREAT!!!"

The music switched from 'Oh-shit-we're-in-trouble' to 'I-love-you-you-love-me-yes-I-do-no-you-don't' romantic shit. With no consideration for the million and one bullets flying around him, Ayame ran forth bravely and scooped up Shigure in his arms. How, we don't know but he _did. _Don't argue if you know what's good for you.

"Don't worry 'Gure!" Ayame screamed above the roar of gunfire. "I'll protect you!"

"Oh Aya!" Shigure sighed.

"Oh 'Gure!" Ayame sobbed back.

"Oh brother..." Hatori muttered as he dashed past with Kisa and Hiro in tow. Ayame followed with Shigure in his arms and they ran off into the sunset, back towards the Sohma house. Hatori meanwhile had run back inside and was now dragging out Momiji and Akito. Momiji by his rabbit ears and Akito by the hem of his boxers. Ritsu made a wild dash from the fountain at the scream of retreat but still couldn't resist the chance to apologize once more.

"I'M SORRY I DIDN'T RETREAT SOONER!!" He dorked, holding up the dripping hem of his kimono as he ran. "I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE SWEET AYAME WASTE BREATH BY YELLING OUT THE ORDER TO RUN AWAY!! I'M SO USELESS!! I'M SO-"

"Shut up!" Hatori cried in exasperation as he returned inside the building for a third time. Kagura and Haru were still on rampage and showed no signs of slowing down in this millenium. Hatori ran up to each of them and injected them each with several tranquilizers. When this proved unsuccessful, he just threw them both over his shoulders and ran out the door with them.

"THIS ISN'T OVER!! WE'LL BE BACK!!" Haru cackled and then inexplicably calmed down. "...mooooo..." He drawled lazily at all the dead cops and soldiers on the ground.

"Well... that was awfully exciting!" Tohru chirped to Hatori as they all clambered into his car. (Except for Ayame and Shigure who were off somewhere in the horizon.) Hatori just sighed thinking about all the memories he would have to erase and how much cleaning he would have to do after everyone dripped blood and water all over the car seats.

"... Yeah... exciting..." He muttered.

They all arrived home in one piece and tromped inside to clean themselves up. After they all sat down in the living room Momiji bounced in all happy like. 

"All right!" He squealed leaping wildly into the air. "Let's do that again!"

They all chopped him on the head, yes even Ritsu though he apologized immediately afterwards for it.

Tohru gazed up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "I wonder if Shigure and Ayame are okay?" She murmured innocently.

As though her words were some kind of signal, a loud moan suddenly came from upstairs followed by, "Oh 'GURE!!" Hatori shook his head whilst Kisa and Hiro looked at each other puzzled.

"Guess they made up then!" Kagura said cheerfully then looked around as though suddenly noticing something. "Hey... where's my precious Kyou-Kun?"

"Yuki and Akito are missing too..." Tohru noted as Haru suddenly got bad thoughts about the implications of what those three missing could mean. Hatori grumbled audibly.

"I knocked Akito out with some drugs before hand but I dragged him out by his boxers. See?" At this the physician held aloft a pair of Card Captor Sakura boxers that everyone knows very well by this point. The only difference now is that Akito is not wearing them.

Hiro was smart enough to realize this. "Uh... not to be smart ass Hari... but isn't Akito-San supposed to be _in _the boxers?"

Hatori finally clicked. "Kuso..." He mumbled lowering the boxer shorts to the floor.

Everyone in the room looked back and forth at each other and sweatdropped.

__

Meanwhile...

At the malls front entrance, Akito is lying face down on the floor being trampled over by the fleeing pedestrians. He wakes up and slowly climbs to his feet, noticing a large crowd forming around him.

"What are _you _lot all looking at?!" He snapped, brushing off his arms and chest. "Geez, you'd think I was weird or something. STOP LOOKING AT ME!!" He screamed, getting paranoid.

Suddenly a woman near the back of the congregation started screaming something. Akito couldn't make it out very well since his ears were ringing, but it sounded like, "Indecent exposure." Whatever it was, it was enough to herald a fresh army of MCC to come running in at him from all directions. De je vu anyone?

"_Kuso..." _Akito sighed, to himself as the cops proceeded to tackle him in a completely over the top, football type way. They all piled up on top of him because, as we all know, Akito is such a huge muscle whore and thus needs millions of people to keep him restrained.

__

Flash back to the Sohma house...

"Hmm..." Haru said thoughtfully, having just witnessed the previous scene through what means we don't know, but we'll just pretend that somehow they all just managed to see it. "Akito's gonna be pissed as soon as he gets back home."

__

Huge freaking understatement. Hatori thought, rummaging for a fresh pack of cigarettes. 

"Well, know we know where Akito is... WHERE, WHERE, WHERE is Kyou and Yuki?!" Momiji yelled jumping all over the place. At this everyone proceeded to stand around, scratching their chins and going "Hmm..." All except Momiji who was thinking lewd thoughts about Yuki in a skirt.

__

Meanwhile back at the mall behind a door marked 'Private'...

"Got any more bright idea's _baka nezumi_?" Kyou hissed as and Yuki stood back to back in the dark room.

"None." Yuki snapped back, then offhandedly. "You?"

"Nope. I'm completely at a loss at where to go from here. Although it originally _was _a good idea to duck in here to get away from the guards I'm starting to think that being out there was safer then being in here!"

"Quite right." Yuki whimpered, and swallowed dryly. A girls hand brushed up against his chest and a seductive voice whispered; "Hello ~"

Yuki and Kyou both started backing off towards the door, trying to keep from making any sudden movements as a figure stepped out of the shadows. It was none other then Motoko, self elected President of the "Princesses fanclub."

"Oh Yuki!" She shrilled, extending a hand lavishly around the room. "You've found our head quarters! Welcome to the Yuki/Kyou fan club."

"The what!?" Yuki screamed as Kyou face faulted.

"Since when was I part of your freaky obsessive little fanclub?!" He blanched, as the blood drained from his face. "I'm gonna have nightmares now, I just know it!!"

"I think we're already in a nightmare!!" Yuki cried, desperately trying to open the door. It was locked of course because it would be no fun at all if it just opened and they got away, oh no.

The fangirls started to move in saying; "~ Hello ~" over and over again, reaching toward the two bishounen's with gang rape in mind. Yuki and Kyou screamed in fear and hugged one another as the camera faded out.

"Hey! Don't you dare fade out and leave us here like this!!" Kyou yelled from somewhere in the blackness. "YUKI! That had better not be your hand that's touching that!!"

"I cant see a thing in this dark _baka neko _and as if I'd really just grope you there!!" Yuki screamed back.

"WHY YOU-!!" **SMACK! "**TAKE THAT YOU LITTLE PUNK ASS BITCH!! Oh sorry, about that... no not you ma'am... Yuki?! Where the hell did you go?! I swear to God when I get a hold of you I'll cut _your _tail off with a carving knife!! Hey, who's touching that?! Dammit let go that's my belt buckle! YIKE!! Not even my doctor sees that! .. That had better not be a cucumber or something... hell if that's you Yuki your DEAD you hear me DEAD!! HEY, DON'T YOU DARE TRY AND TAKE MY DRESS OFF!! YUKI?! DAMMIT NEZUMI YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE AND SAVE ME!! YUKI!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

(WILL YUKI AND KYOU ESCAPE THE FANCLUB'S CLUTCHES? HAVE AYAME AND SHIGURE FINALLY ENGANGED IN THE YAOI THAT EVERYONE JUST KNEW THAT THEY WERE DYING TO GET AROUND TO FROM DAY ONE? IS AKITO REALLY DEAD AND GONE FOREVER? FIND OUT NEXT TIME IN CHAPTER FOUR OF FRUITS BASKET: TRUTH OR DARE!!)

Phew! Well, was that an insane chapter or what? Sorry it took so long to update y'all but I've been busy with a lot of schoolwork and I only just got around to finishing the chapter. Haru's dare will be up next so please review and any suggestions at all for dares of any kind are helpful. I haven't done any truths so far because I think they'd be a little less interesting but you can still suggest those if you like. Hash I hope I made you happy, you got your bit of Shigure/Ayame yaoi. They make a great couple don't they? Sorry all Hatori/Shigure, Hatori/Ayame, Hatori/Shigure/Ayame fans but I don't really think that Hatori is gay or bisexual he just doesn't strike me as the type! And this is coming from someone who hardly even likes the guy! But I did _actually _feel sorry for him after I saw some screenshots of him and Kana. Yeah, I know me. Popsicle heart. So I've got a bit of a soft spot for him now. Don't get me wrong though, Akito's still my man!

Akito: You just tortured me all throughout this fanfic!

NaPap: But that's because you hurt the ones you love! *Snuggles him* So soft...

Akito: GET OFF! *Runs away* Crazy girl!

NaPap: Oh I love it when you play hard to get! Oh, and yeah if anyone wants to email me about Fruits Basket feel more then free too! Especially you Akito fans but anyone who is as Furuba crazy as I am is welcome! Oh Akito ~!! (Gives chase.)

Akito: (Holding up crucifix) Get thee behind me Satan!

He


	4. Haru's Truth: I love you baby

**__**

Fruits Basket: Truth or Dare.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fruits Basket. Fruits Basket owns me. How's _that _for a disclaimer?!

(Thankyou to everyone for your reviews and my sincerest apologies for not updating sooner. I have been busy with a stressful one exam and mourning over my (non-existent) love life. But now I'm back, (general polite applause) and insanity shall rule over your petty existences once more! MWAAA HAAA HAAA!! *Cuddles plushies that Kewie gave to her* Ooh Akitty in boxers plushy... I wonder if this is one of those ones that you can change the clothes on? *Wide eyed expression* N E way, this is Haru's chapter and I was having a lot of trouble deciding what I was going to make him do but I eventually came up with something that doesn't involve boxer shorts or guys in dresses... All those who are disappointed please raise your hands. (Looks at all the raised hands and sighs.) Oh well... back to the drawing board...)

__

"'You are the night and the night alone understands you and enfolds you in its arms. One with the shadows. Without nightmare. An inexplicable peace.' Quote: Louis; Interview with the Vampire.'' Hatori phrased randomly, standing with one leg extended and the toes pointed in a very campy-ish fashion.

The Sohma's stared at him oddly.

"I hate to ask, but did that have any relevance at _all_ to the upcoming fanfic?" Hiro asked, probing at his eardrum with a pen lid. [Note to readers: Probing at your ears with pen lids is dangerous. Do not do it.] Hatori pivoted on the spot and gazed down at the young sheep thoughtfully. 

"I thought the readers might appreciate a little classical literature to help counter balance the impending insanity they are about to be put through, after they've waited God knows how long for the lazy author to update." He glared upwards as he said this because as we all know, people tend to do this when they are referring to omnipotent sources and fanfic authors. These can be one in the same.

Hatori suddenly got hit in the head with a plushie of himself.

"Ow...." He grumbled picking himself and the offending soft toy off of the floor. "Figures that she'd use _my _plushie to maim me with. And while we're at it, why doesn't my plushie have an eye underneath the hair? Were the makers just so lazy that they forgot to put one there or do they really think that I had my eye completely removed?" He shook the Ha-Chan plushie around as though it were a maraca. "I still have both eyes!! The other one JUST DOESN'T WORK RIGHT!! I DIDN'T ASK TO BE THIS WAY! I DIDN'T ASK TO BE THE BORING CHARACTER. I WANTED TO BE SHIGURE BUT THEY SAID I WASN'T HORMONAL ENOUGH!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT OLD MAN!!!" Then Hatori fell to the floor and proceeded to have a mental breakdown. As this was such a regular occurrence in the Sohma family household, no one even bothered to look up.

"Hey, hey _HEY!!" _Momiji squealed randomly. "They should make Fruits Basket action figures! Wouldn't that be cool, ya'll?!"

Before anyone could offer their opinion on this fascinating subject, the front doors were thrown open and Yuki and Kyou both rushed in with a general crowd of screaming fangirls hanging off of their every limb.

"Help me! THEY'RE OUT OF CONTROL!!!" Kyou yelled, thinking of himself for a change. Yuki was busy trying to pry a random fangirl called Kireina off of him with a crow bar but she was proving resilient.

"But Yuki! We're meant to be together!" She cried in a tone of voice that made even Kagura proud. "You told me in my dreams that you loved me!!"

"And that's the only time I ever would!!" Yuki yelled back, giving up on the crowbar and grabbing a conveniently well placed Fire Extinguisher that just happened to be on the wall. ""Well don't just stand there staring. Help us!" He snapped at the rest of the Sohma's who were standing around and staring like stunned mullets.

Haru snapped into action. "Of course I'll help you, Yuki!" He said striding towards the fangirls with a determined look on his face. Hatori, recovered from his little mini-drama, was in his face before he could get another step further.

"After the stunt you pulled at the mall I think not." He preached taking hold of his arm and leading him away.

"But Yuki neeee~eeeds me!" Haru cried, struggling like a ferret in a sack. Hatori accessed the situation of current teenage molestation and made an educated decision. 

"He's fine on his own."

And he was. Using his amazing rodent powers of pre-pubescent mouse hood, Yuki set the fire extinguisher on the fangirls and escorted them out the door in a wave of fluffy white stuff. There was lots of screaming, which would undoubtedly go hand in hand with multiple Yuki fangirl suicide later on that day. I don't think that they would be able to handle the rejection.

"The authors just gone... weird..." Hiro muttered, finally removing the pen lid from his ear cavities. "She's trying in vain to sound smart and later on, when she's older she'll look back at this story and think to herself, 'I used to let people read this crap?' and then she'll kill herself."

Hiro then suffered a long slow painful death from piercing his eardrum with the pen lid and filling his head up with blood until it came out his nose.

No just kidding. I wouldn't do that to my fifth favorite character. I would however, hit him with a Hiro plushie.

"At least mine has both its eyes." The Sheep commented thankfully.

Kyou was having a little more trouble with his fangirls. They down pat just refused to let go of him despite his countless death threats and pointless screaming.

"Dammit Nezumi!! Do your cousin a favor and spray these fangirls!!" The orange haired neko cried, as he bashed his girl-laden leg up against a wall. This did little to deter her incessant humping of his appendage.

Yuki eyed off his dripping fire extinguisher, then looked over at Kyou's plight with a very smug expression.

"Nah..." He said, setting the Extinguisher down against the wall. "Don't feel like it Kyou..."

Kyou glared at him with murder in his eyes. "YOU ARE DEAD, DO YOU HEAR ME YUKI?!! DEAD!!" This threat out of the way, the neko looked around for anything that could save him. He spied a crucifix that just happened to be hanging on the wall in a Japanese house and pulled it down. "HA!! I have a CRUCIFIX!! Be aware all ye fangirls!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!!" 

Kyou thrust the crucifix forward, a deranged look in his dilated eyes. The fangirls stared at him in wonderment, not sure what to make of their beloved cat's crazy behavior. Momiji giggled and bounced over.

"YEAH!! You'd better leave Kyou alone!" He leaned in all menacingly as lightening flashed in the background. "He's got the power of God behind him..."

The fangirls looked back and forth at each other then instantaneously decided that they should go in search of less insane people to hang out with. So with that, they left the Sohma household in peace. ... Well, it wasn't exactly peaceful but it was back to normal. Whatever they considered normal anyway.

"Wowee Kyou! You sure showed them!!" Momiji squealed, leaping up to give Kyou a high five. Kyou hit him with the crucifix.

"SHUTTUP!! I hate you all! You all made me walk through a crowded mall dressed as a woman!! Shigure filmed me! People laughed at me! The entire army turned up to try and kill me! I was molested by five bazillion and one crazy fangirls who wanted to see me and Yuki get down and dirty!! And worst of all-" Kyou's rant broke off into a series of incoherent sobs. "-A-All the readers know I'm a v-v-virgin now!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!" With that, he threw himself to the floor and began to beat it with his fists in child like aggravation. Yuki looked on, not caring a jot.

"Well... my only concern is that it inspired countless Yuki/Kyou Yaoi authors to pick up their crusty pens and start scribbling out the lemons..." He commented, brushing out the lapel of his green suit. "Otherwise I don't really care. Everybody loves me regardless of what I do. Bet Kyou wishes he could say the same." This caused Kyou to cry ever harder.

"You bet we love you Yuki!!" Haru cried, no longer resisting the urge to keep his eager little hands off of the spunky hunk of mouse meat. He broke free of Hatori and threw his arms around Yuki's midsection, almost lifting him off the ground in his passion. "But next time, you should hold _my _hand instead of Kyou's! I wouldn't struggle against my urges like he did."

This comment was enough to make Kyou stop crying for three seconds. He leapt to his high-heeled feet and pointed accusingly at the love-struck cow.

"Now hold on just one cotton picking minute! I did not have any urges to struggle against at all!" Kyou screeched, making all the other characters prod at their ears to stop the woeful ringing noise it produced. "Unlike a certain Octopus Head, whom I feel it would be indelicate of me to name right at this moment, I am not a flaming homosexual!"

Haru gasped in shock and possibly horror. "How could you say that, Kyou? I'm not gay! In case you'd forgotten, oh forgetful one, _I _dated Rin who is a _girl_. That's more then you could ever say." He added with a sneer.

It was Kyou's turn to gasp. "Rin doesn't count! She's in the manga, and she's a ho _and _the author hates her." He quipped as though that somehow ended the question of Haru's involvement with her. "But as of now, it would seem that _I'm _not the one cuddling up to the loser nezumi. But... you know what they say; Who's the bigger loser? The loser or the loser who's in love with the loser?"

This last remark from Mr. Articulate himself was just too cutting. Haru gave a furious cry and went Black, charging Kyou head on and pushing him flying through the window. The two started brawling and exchanging blows on the front lawn.

"My poor house!" A familiar voice cried in anguish. They all looked up to see Shigure trot down the stairs in his earthy brown kimono. Hey, it was a hell of a lot better then the Village People ensemble he was displaying before. Ayame followed suit, donned out in his usual flamboyant pink leopard skin coat... and nothing else. Oh and for those of you that missed that last chapter, or read it months ago and have since forgotten what happened, well these two did it. Yes, did it. Ayame and Shigure did it. It bears repeating until it sinks into your denying minds. Ayame and Shigure yaoi-ed each other until they died and went to heaven. But they got better. And yes, you can expect me and author Hash to go into this in graphic lemon detail very soon. 

"I didn't need to know that..." Yuki grumbled.

"Neither did I." Hatori agreed, whipping out a pack of cigarettes to smoke in under 30 seconds. He will most likely have lung cancer by the time this fanfic is over.

"My house is _so _abused!" Shigure complained as he eyed off the shattered windowpane with a critical air. Ayame giggled at his displeasure and bounced down the stairs, causing them all to rattle jarringly.

"It looks as though Kyou and Haru are fighting for my dear baby brothers affections!" He sang gesturing to the dueling pair outside. At this, Kyou stuck his head back in the window and screamed; "I don't want that damn mouse's affections!!" before Haru pulled him back out by the hair.

Kagura snorted and tossed her head. "Hmph. Yuki and Kyou, how ridiculous. Everyone knows that Kyou belongs with me."

Everyone stared at her for a few seconds then broke into raucous laughter. Kagura stared at them confused.

"What?" She wondered.

"No offense doll but - *chuckle* - I don't think that _baka neko's _- *chuckle* - going to agree with that anytime - *snicker* - soon!!" Ayame managed to wheeze between giggles.

"In other words; "In your dreams." Hiro translated to the confused boar.

Kagura just stared. "You guys are mean..." She stomped off towards the kitchen. "You just wait!! One day, Kyou and I will be together and happily married with five children called Janet, Persephone, Steven, Lulu and Bobby Corwin! _Then _you'll all see how stupid you were you... you... BIG MEANIES!!" With that she stalked into the kitchen where Tohru was busy concocting something that smelled vile.

All the Sohma's stared in silence for a few minutes.

"I... guess she's put plenty of thought into it then...?" Ritsu said at length. Everyone else just nodded lightly and mentally put it under the Sohma's list of; "Things that don't make any fucking sense and therefore we shouldn't even try to understand it."

There was a loud yell from outside and then Haru marched through the doors, head held high in triumph. Shigure noticed and clapped loudly.

"Ahh! Hatsuharu returns I see!" He said, as Haru took his place back on the floor looking extremely smug. "I must say I'm surprised. How did you manage to beat Kyou this time?"

"My thoughts exactly." Hatori added, chewing on the end of his cigarette thoughtfully.

Haru waved a hand lightly. "Oh... I didn't beat him. Akito just got to him first." As if to clarify this, there was another scream of pain from outside and then the resounding thud of bare feet coming towards the house. Everyone paled simultaneously. 

"Oh God..." Momiji squealed latching onto Hatori's arm. " What are we going to dooo~ooo?"

"Akito's going to kill us!!" Hiro summarized for the readers, just in case they were drooling morons who couldn't tell that Kyou's screaming was a bad omen. Hiro fell to his knees before Kyou's crucifix and folded his hands in prayer. "Please oh please Oh mighty Father. Don't let Akito kill me. Let him kill Hatori instead, nobody likes him!"

Hiro was bombarded with flames and abuse from a thousand and one Hatori fans whilst the author remained safe behind her supposed non-hand in Hiro's statement. Hatori was thinking of who he could give up first in order to gain a few precious seconds to escape with his one good eye and had just settled on Ayame when the doors blew open and Akito stormed in.

He was a scary sight. Scarier then anyone had ever thought possible. If you want to visualize lets just say that he made the Aliens on Alien Resurrection look like cute friendly little lap pets. He was pissed. And it didn't help that he was completely naked either. Hence Kyou's screaming.

"All right..." He snarled, cracking his blood stained knuckles as he surveyed the terrified assembly. "Who dies first?"

"Ooh! Me! Me! I wanna!" Momiji said trying to imitate Shigure's voice as he waved the authors hand around. Shigure quickly snapped it back to his side, managing to brain the jovial _usagi _in the process.

"Um... no Akito. I do not want to die first. And why would you want to kill _me _anyway? Especially after we got so cosy in the manga that one time..." Shigure tried unsuccessfully to flirt with the genocidal family master. "You _love _me, right Akito? You _love _me..."

Ayame's eyes filled with tears. "You cheated on me with Akito, 'Gure? Oh GAWD I can never trust you to behave when you're out of my sight!"

Shigure latched onto his arm. "I didn't cheat on you Aya!! I was only being a ho so that I can be on Akito's good side and eventually manipulate my way into becoming leader of the Sohma family and having everyone kowtow to my whims and obey me as their master 4EVA!!"

Everyone stared at him, including Akito.

"Erm..." Shigure tried to think of something witty to say. "I um... need to... gotortureMit-Chan!!" With that, he took of running. Akito predictably, gave chase.

"Didn't anyone ever tell Shigure that the worst thing you can do when faced with a predator, is run?" Kisa asked softly as Shigure zoomed up the stairs like a bat out of Hell. Hatori shrugged.

"Don't know, don't care. How's that?"

Hiro patted Kisa's back as she lowered her head obviously upset. "Geez Hatori. It's no wonder nobody likes you..."

Hatori glared at him from behind his wall of smoke.

"Don't make me sic my fangirls onto you, Hiro." He warned, pulling out a laptop computer and logging onto a Live Journal sight. "Because I'll do it. Though they're probably all still recovering from Chapter 2 but I'm sure some of them are still willing to fight to protect me."

'Some' of course entitled 'Four thousand and fifty.' Hiro lowered his head, defeated.

Akito suddenly jogged back into the room and started to look around. Haru noticed and took his eyes off of Yuki for a few vital seconds to see just what it was the family master was searching for.

"Excuse me Akito, but... what is it you are searching for?" He wondered politely. Akito sniffed and picked Haru up to check underneath him. Then he picked Yuki up too, probably just for the Hell of it.

"I lost my boxers. Has anyone seen them?" He asked, his tone close to despair. Hatori decided to give in to the author's fantasies and handed over the Card Captor Sakura boxers. Akito put them on and all was right in the world.

"Yippee! I missemed my boxers!" Akito cried ignoring the spell check that said 'missemed' wasn't a real word. If Akito said it was, then it was. He danced around the room happily with the rest of the family looking on apprehensively. Akito's moods seemed to jump from cranky, to crazy, to lovey-dovey, to silly, back to cranky, then homicidal, and then back to silly. It was exhausting trying to keep up.

"Tra la la la la!" He sang, dancing around on the couch. "I like fairy cakes! Tee hee hee!"

At this point, all the readers must assume as I have, that these are a magical pair of boxers that make the wearer act like a total nut case. Then again, it could just be proof that whilst I have my favorites, I don't favor them.

"Bangers and mash! Bangers and mash!" Akito screamed in confirmation. Everyone paled and considered therapy.

"Is it safe to come out yet?" Shigure yelled from the hall closet. Ayame almost considered wrapping some wire around the door and keeping him locked in there as punishment for his whorish behavior. But then again if he did that he wouldn't be able to have yaoi with him and that would just never do. And shuttup all you damn Hatori/Ayame, Hatori/Shigure, Hatori/Ayame/Shigure fans I am not one of you, I am a SHIGURE/AYAME fan and since this is _my _fic, I will put whatever couples in here I want. If you don't like it, don't waste your time reading it and flaming me. Go away and read another authors work, one who is willing to put _Straight _Hatori with any of his _bisexual_ cousins.

"The authors kind of touchy isn't she?" Yuki marveled as Haru spooned him from the side. Hatori stumped out his cigarette, wondering if for once luck was running his one-eyed way.

"Miss Author Person? Did I ever tell you I have a penchant for fangirls who don't like the idea of me pairing off with either Ayame or Shigure?" He asked, close to what could be considered flirting. The author, breaking his heart and ignoring him, was not about to degrade herself by doing a Mary-Sue self-insertation into the story that would pair off with Hatori and eventually marry him and have his children. One; because self-insertations suck and two; She didn't like Hatori.

And a billion and one Hatori fans cried out in anger and got their fingers a typing on their keyboards and flamed the author until she died. 

"Okay..." Yuki mumbled as Kyou crawled into the room, bloodied, bruised and currently trying to remove his eyeballs with a dull spoon. "Oh what's wrong with you _baka neko?_"

"I s-s-saw Akito's—my eyes!!" Kyou screamed, convulsing on the floor like a sprayed spider. Yuki hit him, kindly.

"Get up you damn fool! You weren't the only one!" He yelled, then as an afterthought, "And undoubtedly not the last, way he's acting..." 

As if they needed anymore proof, Akito slung his arm around the couch and grinned at it sleazily.

"So... what's a good looking couch like you doing in a lounge room like this?" He sleazed, stroking the sofa hornily. Hatori once more considered ritualistic suicide and much death by burning. It was times like this, he knew he would get along well with Mit-Chan.

As though sensing his anguish, Shigure sashayed down the stairs with Ayame in tow who was taking the opportunity to scope out the _inu's _butt. 

"Come on now everyone!" He cheered, striking what he considered to be a studly leader pose. Ayame practically got off whilst everyone else just stared in disgust. "The readers are undoubtedly getting bored with all this crap! Come! We must get back to the point of the story! Truth or Dare!!"

And so they did, since the author couldn't be bothered stuffing around anymore. So when the scene reopened, all the Sohma's were set out in their little circle again, wearing their usual clothing (Akito is the except because I said so) and completely healed. They were even enjoying the little meal Tohru had prepared for them.

"This is exquisite Tohru!" Ayame cried, shoveling down food like a dying man. 

Shigure puffed out his chest. "Ah but of course! My wonderful wife is quite the culinary genius you know Aya!" Tohru blushed modestly. "What did you call this again, Tohru?"

"Oh it really is a quite simple recipe." She said cutely, batting her overused eyelashes for effect. "I found it in a recipe book during our delightful day trip! It's called... hmm ... _French Fries and cheeseburgers _I think..."

"WHEE!! Ketchup blast!!" Momiji cried, bombarding his 'French fries' with an entire bottle of ketchup. "Yay! Now my fries can go swimming in the sauce!!"

"Why don't you put on your swimsuit and join them?" Kyou asked, taking a meaty bite out of his cheeseburger. His suggestion turned out to be a bad one, because Momiji followed it and started to roll around in his plate covering himself in sauce. Yuki sprayed him with the fire extinguisher.

"Down boy!" He commanded to the two eyes blinking out of the foam and sauce. He set the extinguisher down and picked up his cheeseburger. "So _baka neko... _seeing as how it was your turn last time, you get to choose who goes next."

"Don't call me _baka neko _it really hurts my feelings!!" Kyou screamed, spraying cheeseburger all over the place. Naturally, everyone stared at him, though you'd think by now they'd be used to such crazy behavior. "Uh... I pick... Octopus Head." He back peddled quickly.

Haru huffed. "Don't you think it hurts _my _feelings when you call me Octopus Head?"

"Dude... no one cares about your feelings. I mean, just look at the limited amount of Yuki/Haru fanfics there are out there in comparison to all the Tohru/Yuki ones." Kyou stated the obvious through a mouthful of food.

Haru hang his head. "Boy... that guy sure knows how to hit you where it hurts." He snuffled.

Kyou didn't care. "Truth or Dare?"

For some odd reason, Haru decided that he was going to go out on a limb and be an individual, so he chose 'Truth.' This marked the beginning of The First ever Furuba character to pick Truth so far. It was very exciting.

Kyou of course could always be counted upon to use it to his advantage, and decided that he'd use this one of a kind opportunity to embarrass his favorite Octopus Head.

"Truth... okay. Tell us, _truthfully, _how you really feel about Yuki!" Kyou cried, praising his own genius. He was meet with more condescending stares. "GAWD!! I wish you people would stop that already!! GEEZ does this family have a staring problem or what? Stare at Haru! Haru's about to horribly embarrass himself by admitting his secret feelings about Yuki to the world! Stare at Octopus Head!!"

Haru, thinking that he'd already made his feelings on the matter perfectly clear, decided to get it over and done with. "Well... I um... I love him." Boy, did that feel good to get off of the chest.

Yuki stared at him in shock. !Shock! I say!

"Do you really?" He asked, in all seriousness. When Haru nodded, Yuki looked down at his hands a contemplative expression on his face. "Wow... I never knew that..."

Now everyone stared at _him _oddly.

"You never _knew?!_" Hiro snitched. "How could you never know? It's _soooooo _obvious! I mean, in episode 10 he sleazes up against you in the fight scene, he turned into a cow and let you ride on his back when he got sick, (And I'm sure some dirty bastard has written a lemon about that somewhere) he told Tohru that you're his one true love and then he said that he liked you to your face when you woke up! HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?!"

Yuki just continued to look oblivious but in an adorable way. "I just never really considered it... I suppose..."

"It's nice to know you're so considerate of Haru's feelings Yuki." Shigure muttered as he cuddled with Ayame in the corner. Kyou, who was sitting nearby, was dry retching. 

Yuki gazed at Haru who was still huggling his arm, not in the least bit embarrassed about admitting his feelings. "Haru... are you sure you love me?"

"Um... pretty sure!" Haru chirped. Akito suddenly chucked a fit and threw a vase to the floor.

"No! I won't allow this marriage!" He shrieked as he pointed his finger dramatically at Yuki and Haru, a twisted look on his evil, EVAL face.

He was only wearing his Cardcaptor Sakura boxers.

"What are you talking about you idiot? Haru only said he loved Yuki, it's not even like the feelings mutual..." Kyou muttered coming to the realization that he was about to lose the two guys who he was usually paired with in Yaoi fanfiction, to each other and feeling very open to the idea. Akito continued to glare.

"I don't care! I've been _so_ OOC for _so_ long I feel like I'm going to EXPLODE!!" The family master yelled, looking like a kettle that was about to boil over. Then he saw Ayame cuddled up with Shigure. "WHAT THE HELL?!! IS _EVERYBODY _GETTING MARRIED WITHOUT MY CONSENT??!! IS THIS THE TWILIGHT ZONE??!!!???"

"Kyou! Darling, we should get married too!" Kagura trilled as Momiji hummed the Twilight Zone theme in the background. Kyou suddenly felt as though a Yaoi relationship with Haru might be the way to go. Akito jumped around crazily.

"NO ONE IS GETTING MARRIED WITHOUT MY CONSENT!!" He shrieked, because that's all he can do. "Doesn't Episode 8 scare anyone, anymore??!! What do I have to do to earn some respect around here??!!"

"Why not try... PUTTING YOUR DAMN CLOTHES ON BIRD BOY???!!!" Kyou yelled back, jealous because he wasn't the loudest in the room at the moment. Akito stepped up to the challenge.

"WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OVER HERE AND MAKE ME CAT LOVER??!!" He shouted, causing furries everywhere to start writing out Kyou/Kitty Kat lemons. "YOU HAVEN'T GOT THE GUTS TO TAKE ME ON, EVEN THOUGH YOU TEND TO BREAK MY NOSE IN EVERY OTHER FANFIC BECAUSE I'M THE MOST HATED CHARACTER IN FRUITS BASKET AND EVERYONE BUT A SELECT FEW LIKE TO VENT THEIR ANGSTY ISSUES TOWARDS ME BY MAKING SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPEN TO ME, LIKE MY NOSE BEING BROKEN!! HELL I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES THAT'S HAPPENED BUT I'M GETTING SICK OF IT!! EVEN MORE SO THEN YUKI AND KYOU WORKING TOGETHER TO BEAT ME UP!! IT'S NOT FAIR!! JUST BECAUSE I'M THE ONE CHARACTER THAT HATES TOHRU AND THE ONE THAT HURT HATORI, _AND _THE ONE THAT HURT KISA _AND _THE ONE THAT'S JUST A BASTARD IN GENERALEVERYONE PICKS ON ME!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!" Akito grabbed the camera and pressed his face right up against it, scaring the crap out of all the viewers. "WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU, HUH??! YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELVES!! I'LL BE COMING FOR YOU!! YOU'LL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN BOYS AND GIRLS!!! MWAA HAA HA HAAA!!"

"Come on Akito, come and have your nice medicine..." Hatori simpered dragging Akito away by the hem of his boxers. Akito struggled and cried.

"No I don't want my medicine it tastes funny!!" He sobbed as he was dragged out of shot. Shigure looked up from playing tootsies (hint to future lemon!) with Ayame.

"Hey... where'd Yuki and Haru go?" He wondered looking around for the two teenagers. All the Sohma's + Tohru, only then realized that they were missing.

"_Oh no! I wonder what happened?" _Tohru thought as she searched under the cushions for Yuki and Haru. "_I hope they're alright..." _

On the contrary, Yuki and Haru were more then all right. They were strolling in the garden, for random plot reasons. Actually, Yuki felt as though they could use a little privacy to discuss the !shocking! revelation and didn't feel as though that would be possible inside. What with Akito's cackling and Kyou's wise cracks and Shigure's echi jokes and Tohru's well... Tohru-ness. That and the fact that the script said that he was supposed to end up with Tohru and that made his own true feelings a little hard to decipher.

"So... in what way do you love me Haru?" He asked, looking at the white haired cow out of the corner of his eye. 

"I don't know, I just do!" Haru snapped, annoyed with Yuki's tendency to ignore the obvious. "Do I need to love you in any particular way?"

"No... I don't suppose you do. It's just that..." Yuki sighed and lowered his head, his purple eyes trained on the ground. "You do know what the script says right? That I'm supposed to..."

"Get with Tohru? I know..." The Cow muttered, hating the scriptwriters more and more by the second. Suddenly, he whipped out his pen and notebook and added them to his 'Who-to-kill-next-whilst-in-Black-Haru-mode' list. Yuki caught a glimpse over his shoulder.

"Is that your shit list?" He asked, though it was pretty obvious what it was from the big thick title he had scribbled on the top. "There's so many people on it..."

"Yeah, well... a lot of people are getting on my nerves lately..." Haru replied, scribbling down the authors name and anyone who wrote Yuki/Tohru fanfics as well. Then he slipped the notebook back into his trenchcoat pocket and looked Yuki in the eye. "Don't worry though. You're not on there."

Yuki chuckled. "I trust I wouldn't be. I wouldn't be much of a First Love in that case, now would I?" If this charming quote wasn't enough, a halo of orange sparkles appeared over Yuki's shoulders as he gazed into Haru's eyes. Haru felt his knees go all weak and he was suddenly imagining Yuki in a high school girl's outfit again. Somehow he didn't think that this was going to do his hormones any good and they were already in full swing.

"Haru..." Yuki whispered, taking a step closer. "I- I..."

Haru shook himself free of his fantasy to focus on the grey haired beauty before him, who was suddenly looking very demure. This made Haru's hormones misbehave even more. Hey, that sorta rhymed!

"I ... I..."

"Out with it, Yuki." Haru said, feeling strangely enough like Ryan on the last episode of the Bachelorette. And whoever laughs at the author for actually watching that gets hunted down by Akito. 

Yuki, though clearly more nervous then a mouse in a room full of cats, reached out and took Haru's gloved hands in his own. Cue romantic music and Instant Sparklies.

"Haru I- ... I'm glad you told everyone that you loved me. ...I really am..." Yuki whispered, trailing one hand upward to rest on the cow's chest. He could feel his heartbeat speed up through the wall of his black shirt. "Because now it means that I can tell you... that I... ...love you too."

This was clearly the greatest moment of Haru's life. A huge grin split across his face, so wide that it was a wonder his whole head didn't turn inside out. He whooped loudly and leapt into the air, pumping his fist like a guy at a football match. Yuki had to smile.

"Really?? You do?! Oh, YEAH!!" Haru turned to the camera. "Granted this would never actually happen on the show can all the reader's cut me a break? That would really make my day, thank you." He then turned back to Yuki and the mushy music started up again. "Oh Yuki... I... I don't know what to say... maybe I'll just babble some illiterate dribble at you that really enhances the moment and makes my sudden shyness even more sexy by comparison?"

Yuki swept in all dramatically, pressing a long finger to Haru's flapping lips. "Don't speak.... for some things in life, there are no words..." He quoted from Willy Wonker. Haru fortunately had never seen the movie, and was so stunned by Yuki's beautiful words that he was compelled to step even closer to the older boy's svelte figure. Yuki closed his eyes, leaning in as Haru's lips neared his own, their breaths brushing each other's cheeks as-

"Romance..." A familiar voice, said from beside Yuki's ear. The mouse spun around in horror, coming face to face with the towering figure of his older brother. Ayame, not seeming the least bit apologetic for breaking up the love scene, simply smiled and pressed his index finger to his temple knowingly. "Manly romance in the garden... it's so beautiful! If only we had some pink cherry blossoms to compliment the scene! And I must say Yuki; you really surprised me with that poetic phrase you just belted out it simply blew my mind! I wasn't sure you were capable of such emotions as love, _seeing as how you try to kill your dear brother at every chance you get, _Still you know what they say; 'You hurt the one's you love!!'" He then proceeded to laugh his campy gay cackle that sucked the soul out of people's bodies. Yuki scowled and rolled up his sleeves.

"If that's the case then I love you to _fucking death._" He hissed as Haru stood with his back to the non-existent camera, trying desperately not to go Black. It really wasn't all that charming, or so he'd been told.

"Hey, we've been looking for you two." Shigure called as he walked into shot. "Um... Yuki... What _exactly_ are you doing to Aya?"

What Yuki appeared to be doing, was making a pretzel out of his older much pervier brother. But since Ayame was so flexible, he wasn't nearly in as much pain as he should be; though it looked pretty awful to anyone watching.

"Stay out of this Shigure! Unless of course you want a go too?!" Yuki exclaimed with an insane glint in his eye. Akito would have been so proud.

Shigure chuckled nervously and took a few steps back, knowing he couldn't bend in as many places as Ayame could. "No thanks Yuki. Maybe later. Listen, we've come up with a good dare for Momiji, but we kinda need Haru's help to execute it. Seeing as how, he only had a Truth and that was kind of lame, so we're giving him a dare as well."

Haru looked over from pouting off screen and raised an eyebrow. "What do you want me to do?"

Shigure just smiled. "Inside, we'll tell you then-" He winced as Ayame screamed in pain, a sound like snapping bones echoing throughout the garden. "- Yuki... I think he's been punished enough, don't you?"

"He won't be punished enough until he's in HELL!!" Was Yuki's response as he twisted Ayame's arm practically out of its socket. Shigure sweat dropped, sending sympathy to his mutilated boyfriend.

(WHAT WILL HARU'S DARE BE? WILL AYAME SURVIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE IT? AND WILL THE AUTHOR ACTUALLY UPDATE MORE FREQUENTLY AND NOT BECOME A LAZY ASSHAT? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON CHAPTER FIVE OF "FRUITS BASKET: TRUTH OR DARE!!")

Like I said, sorry everyone for taking so long. And sorry about the short chapter it's sort of like a filler until I can get back into the routine of writing it. I've actually been working on an Ayame/Shigure romance fic - (Everyone including Ayame and Shigure stare at her and laugh) – hey shut up alright?! I know the idea sounds ludicrous and that's exactly why I've been working on it so hard! To make it sound believable! Still, regardless I hope someone at least enjoys this chapter but with a bit of luck I'll do better in the next one. R and R and even flame if you feel like wasting a spare few seconds of your time to rag on me. It makes me feel even more special! ^^ (Oh and on that note: Don't be offended Hatori/Shigure/Ayame fans you guys have the right to write whatever you want! I was just having a bit of fun! Don't hate me. (Shigure eyes.)

__ __


	5. Yuki's Dare: A little less conversation ...

**_Fruits Basket: Truth or Dare._******

****

DISCLAIMER: I don't own it. I wanna own it, but I don't. Therefore, it is not mine. To me, it does not belong. In my possession, it is not. Though I want it, I can't have it. The only thing I own is this little fic that occasionally makes people laugh. That is enough for me. Amen.

(Once again, sorry for the late update. I have a very busy school life people and writing chapter's for my fanfics, though being what I prefer, is not going to earn me any money in the long run. Hope you enjoy this next chappie. Especially you darling Kireina. I believe you have been waiting for this one, for a long time! )

"Has everyone given Haru their money?" Shigure asked for like the thousandth time. All eyes turned to Hiro, who was standing to the side hands deep in his spacious pant pockets. Finally their stares became too much for him to handle, especially Tohru's and he surrendered his 20 allowance money.

"This had better be damn worth it." He grumbled, because all he can do is grumble. Oh and complain. Shigure smiled brightly as he passed the note over to Haru, who quickly stuffed the money into his overflowing wallet and slipped it back into his trench coat pocket.

"Now remember Haru, we want as much candy as you can get. Preferably the cheap sort, since it will allow you to buy considerably limitless amounts." The Inu chirped as Haru swung his leg over his bicycle and pulled his goggles down over his eyes. "Ayame says that sour types tend to make you more hyperactive so you may want to take that into consideration."

"That's my dare? You want me to go and... buy candy?" Haru asked dubiously from behind the goggles that made him look like Anakin Skywalker off of the 1st Star Wars Movie. All right, calm down all you Science Fiction freaks. Shigure gave a very sly grin that made the wolf from Little Red riding Hood seem like a misunderstood puppy dog.

"Well... no. There is a far more interesting element to this little dare than just that. For one thing; you can't visit the closest convenience shop, oh no. How simple and boring that would be! You must peddle your little legs all the way to the next town over where you will proceed to buy copious amounts of sweets, lollies and candies. To name a few. Oh and you can't use a map."

Yuki hit him on the head with a mallet.

"You cruel bastard! You know Haru has bad sense of direction!" He snapped as Shigure rolled around on the ground, cradling his head in his hands. "What happens if he gets lost! You know him; it could be days before he gets back!" And we all know what a big disappointment that would have been to Yuki, considering the last chapter and all.

Shigure, being fully aware of this and milking (no pun intended. Okay, Hell there was) it for all it was worth, just chuckled loudly as he applied a bandage to his bruised head.

"Never fear, it's not my custom to keep such blossoming young lovers away from each other for so long!" He avoided a well deserved upper cut from Yuki and skipped over to Haru's side like an expert ballet dancer. "Haru has our permission, vested in us by the Holy author, to ask anyone he meets for directions. Though of course this comes with an itty bitty string attached... As do all things in life."

Chuckling sadistically, the Inu leant in close to Haru's ear. The other Sohma's leaned in, trying to make out what he was saying.

"Whisper, whisper, whisper..." Shigure uh whispered. Haru nodded wisely.

"Hmm... what is this, 'whisper, whisper, whisper' you speak of?" He wondered aloud. Shigure slapped his forehead.

"Oh come on! In episode 10 all you said in Tohru's ear was; "Coonie, woonie, woonie" yet she got the general jist of things! He snapped, grabbing Haru by the inside elbow whilst pushing the rest of the Sohma's back with his foot. "Listen again; 'Whisper, whisper, _whisper_... whisper, _whisper_, whisper..." He leant back, staring expectantly at the white haired Ox. "Okay now?"

A light seemed to dawn in Haru's eyes and he nodded briskly, though he seemed none too thrilled about his additional aspect to the dare.

Apparently satisfied, Shigure smiled and ruffled his hair. Hey, that rhymes! "Good. Now you'd better be going if you want to get back by dark!"

"Shigure... it's eleven-thirty AM..." Hatori said as he checked his very atypical doctor's going-through-a-mid-life-crisis-even-though-I'm-not-middle-aged-yet watch. Shigure stared at him from the corners of his eyes and Hatori got the hint. "Ah... of course. Considering that Haru is indeed impaired in the spatial-intelligence field it may take him that long to actually return from his errand."

"You can't half tell the author just had a psychology exam..." Kyou muttered generally. Tohru just nodded dumbly and waved her hand in a wide arch in the air, braining the poor cat on the cranium. As if the guy hasn't suffered enough brain damage throughout this fic.

"Bye Haru, be safe!" She called loudly, even though Haru hadn't even left the front porch yet. "We'll leave the light on for you!"

"I feel so comforted." Haru grumbled shifting around to try and make his bicycle seat more comfortable. Perhaps he should have considered changing into track pants or some sort of material that breathes for his excruciatingly long trip but, _no. _Because Heaven forbid if Haru didn't stay badass and gothic and leather for just one scene where he wasn't required to wear the school uniform.

"Did anyone else ever notice how much Haru's shirt looks like mine?" Akito asked, wide eyed from the back of the assembly. Everyone turned to look at him in unison.

"I swear that I just left you drugged, doped and tranquilized on Shigure's bed, in that order..." Hatori uttered in something that sounded like wonder.

"I always knew Hari was into date rape..." Ayame whispered in Shigure's ear. Shigure elbowed Hatori jock-ishly in the stomach whilst making the 'Ay? Ay?' noise.

"And what the Hell is he asking about the shirt for anyway?" Yuki mused from over by Haru's bike. "It's not like he's even wearing one, all he's wearing are those damned awful-"

"-Card Captor Sakura boxers." Everyone finished in unison. Hatori rolled his eye, scorning all the comments that were being made in one fluid movement. Let's just say that if rolling eyes was considered a sport, Hatori would be the Captain of his team, owner of three trophies for winning three Grand finals and his body would be as finely oiled as a freshly prepared Big Mac.

"Now, let's get something straight-" He said in that 'I'm about to make a speech' voice he saves for very special occasions. Such as when he's unconscious in seahorse form with Tohru on top of him. "Just because I used a highly dangerous, highly potent, fast acting date rape drug on Akito it does mean I took advantage of his unconscious state-which lasted about, oh I don't know- FORTY SECONDS!" He glared at Akito who simple shrugged and started whistling the 'I'm innocent' tune whilst striking a Yuna pose. A puppy in a field full of flowers couldn't have looked cuter. Even if it was wearing a pair of Card Captor Sakura boxers itself. "It's not my fault that you've put me on SO many Drugs Hatori that I am IMMUNE to them by now!" Akito puffed out his chest in a mock manly way that really wasn't manly at all. Hatori cleared his throat to silence the room, even though it didn't work "mm...Mm!" he did it again, hoping that for once, the group would pay heed to his mighty masculine presence. It didn't work again, he stole a pointer from the current authors Mass Media teacher and smacks the table. "Quiet!"

The entire outdoor assembly felt silent. "Now I have a very important public announcement, but first we should take a look at Haru's current state." He walked to Haru's side and pointed with the pointer he stole, almost managing to put the poor Cow's eye out in the process. Guess that's the 'eye for an eye' policy for you. "This is a bike rider, what is he missing that will make him all the more safer on the way to the candy store?" He waited for a response from his captive audience of the Sohma family. Nobody raised their hands. Akito made an anxious, 'Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!' noise, and bobbed up on the tips of his toes, raising his hand above the sea of uncaring, uncomprehending faces. After all, as family master it was his job to be the omnipotent, all-knowing GOD of the family. Even though he looks like a five year old preschooler who just wet their pants. In or in this case, boxers. Cardcaptor Sakura boxers as it were.

"Yes Akito?" Hatori pointed to him with his cool STOLEN pointer. Akito threw down his arm with immense gusto and struck a Watari pose; one finger extending in that perpetual 'I have all the answers!' manner.

"A small animal to ride on his shoulder!" Akito held out Q-Chan from PSOH and it flew over to Haru, making itself a cozy roost on his wide manly shoulders. Yuki was immediately jealous that he couldn't do the same. "Kyu?"

Hatori sweatdropped. "True…but not what I was looking for…what he is missing-" Hatori swung the pointer around accidentally hitting Haru in the head with it "-is a helmet! Remember kids, never ride without one, it can keep you safe from accidents."

"And randomly flying pointer sticks" Shigure whispered to Ayame, who was attempting to undo his kimono without the author noticing. Hatori handed Haru a helmet remember Hatori's preaching kids. For once he's right! and Haru put it on. It was a lovely little plastic pink number, with bright flower decals, glitter integrated into the paint and Cardcaptor Sakura planted right in the center of the whole gaudy arrangement. Yuki sweatdropped in embarrassment for his heifer lover.

Suddenly, an almighty scream emitted from the back of the assembly as Akito launched himself through the air like Puss in Boots (minus the bitch boots themselves… although… that would look kind of hot) and latched onto the helmet, managing to sink his nails into Haru's face in the process. Like most instances where he is mortally injured, Haru just took his lumps and played the good sport. Even with great rivers of blood running crimson trails down his face.

"Akito? Just what in God's name are you doing?" Hatori monotoned, cracking his cool STOLEN pointer threateningly over one knee. Methinks someone is going the right way for a smacked bottom.

Akito, hyperventilating and foaming at the mouth, threw one rabid glance over at the dark haired doctor. In his crazed state, he looked remarkably like that girl Sadako from The Ring. So much so that Hatori started to feel a little queasy. Than he just remembered that he was hangover.

"Haru cannot wear this helmet!" Akito shrieked, trying to pry the _precious _helmet off of Hatsuharu's head. Try saying _that _ten times in a row when you're drunk!

"Oh really?" Hiro asked, crossing his arms over his chest as though he were cool or something. "And why not?"

Akito's bottom lip trembled, great beads of tears hanging suspended on the corners of his eyes. He was becoming so emotional he could barely articulate himself.

"Buh-b-because…" He attempted to choke out. "Be-because…" He broke off wailing like Sailor Moon, except with even less dignity then our dear Selena ever had. "Because it's MY helmet! MY HELMET! And I dunna wan it to get all dirty and scratched!"

Silence fell across the assembly.

Kyou sweatdropped. "In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ-'' He advanced on Akito wielding the aforementioned silver crucifix. Yuki did the honors of holding him back.

"No _baka neko. _You remember what happened the last time we tried to exorcise him?" Much shuddering ensured, especially on Hatori's part, who had expended thousands of yen into cleaning the green vomit off of the carpet and booking Akito in to a chiropractor. He'd been complaining of a bad crick in his neck or something. Man, exorcisms just don't work like they used to even with the all compelling power of Christ and the fanfiction author to back you up.

"Huh. I don't know why he even has a helmet in the first place." Kyou muttered, watching the barbaric struggle between the skinny psychotic family master and the protective headgear. "I mean, it's not like Akito even engages in any physical activities…"

Finally, Hatori got the hint and pried Akito off of Haru's helmeted head with much difficulty. The family master wailed and carried on a treat until the doctor distracted him by putting on an episode of Card Captor Sakura. Akito merrily made his way to the Living room to perve on Tori. I mean… _uh_… to enjoy some good clean family fun. Thus Haru was eventually able to depart in peace.

"Ahh… parting is such sweet sorrow…" Yuki mused as delicate dew drops of tears slid across the porcelain arch of his cheeks. Momiji held up a box of Kleenex.

"Nothing feels soft anymore." He murmured, thinking about how much he was going to overcharge the tissue manufacturers for product placement. In case you hadn't noticed dear readers, there has been quite a large amount of free advertising going on in this fanfic already. Not to mention blatant fan service but that's another story. Literally I mean. Read The Game We Play if you don't get it yet.

Haru smiled tenderly and reached out to run one worn knuckle over the soft cheek of his lover. Shreds of cheap tissue paper clung in soggy clumps to Yuki's skin but to Haru he still looked like the most beautiful plague infested rodent he had ever seen in his life. Don't hurt me Tara.

"Yes beloved. But you know what they say; '_Absence makes the heart grow fonder.'_" Haru whispered, feeling in a poetic mood. Yuki's gay pride eyes flashed in recognition and he latched onto Haru's hand, pressing it against his temple and dramatically rubbing his face against it like one of those cheesy soap opera actors.

"Then how much fonder my heart will be by the time you return to me my love!" He spouted the nauseating dribble like a burst fire hydrant. Ayame meanwhile was gloating at the fact his little brother was finally starting to loosen up and live up to the tailors own eccentric standards. Ayame couldn't have been more proud of his little mousy sibling.

"Oh Yuki!" Haru gushed.

"Oh Haru!" Yuki gushed back.

"Oh GOD!" Kyou exploded, finding this whole affair a very religious experience. "Just get GOING already!" With that declaration he forcefully pushed the back of the bike seat, causing it and the mounted Hatsuharu to wobble along unsteadily for at least five or six feet, before tipping over on its side, crushing Haru's leg beneath it. Typically though, the cow didn't even make a noise to announce his discomfort. His face had that perpetually glazed look that all Yuki fangirls seem to posses. Sort of like a zombie, only a little more spaced out. Q-Chan had managed to get out of being squashed at the last second and was happily bouncing up and down on the pavement beside Haru's head, poking his prone cranium with one small foot.

Yuki smashed Kyou in the face with the STOLEN pointer stick. "YOU BAKA! (Translation to those who speaka de Engrish: I am displeased with your actions, sir.) "You could have killed him! Even with the cheap, pink and plasticy piece of-'' Yuki swallowed dryly as Akito's warning eyes peered out from the front door with promise of much violence dancing in their murky black depths. " – um… I mean that absolutely fashionable _fabulous _protective headgear." Well of _course _it's fabulous Yuki. It's a Cardcaptor Sakura helmet. How can Cardcaptor Sakura be anything _but _fashionable?

"OMG! I think you broke my nose you damn rat!" Kyou howled, falling to the ground and clutching his bleeding smell stimulus. (Translation: May God adhere to this misery. I disapprove of your methods in resorting to violence in order to solve your interpersonal relationship issue's, Yuki.") Kyou glared at the author, not whole heartedly agreeing with her conveyance of his current feelings. But what can I say? I've never been a very good translator.

Yuki threw the bloodied pointer onto Kyou's curled cadaver and his eyes creased affectionately as he made his way over to Haru, who hadn't yet moved to raise himself from his crippling position. The silver haired boy lifted the bike off of the white haired ox, helping his smooth down his leather pants. Particularly around the ass area. Hey, what are you people thinking? Don't, that's sick. This fic is nothing but good clean fun and here you are misinterpreting everything I say as per usual. You make it sound as though Yuki just wanted an excuse to grope Haru's buttocks. Why does he need an excuse? He can do that any time he wants.

"Are you all right?" Asked the concerned rat, rubbing his hand through Haru's messy head of hair. Haru was about to reply in the affirmative, when he was interrupted by none other than Ritsu and Tohru.

"I'M SO SORRY! FORGIVE ME!" Ritsu screamed, running towards the two boys with both arms swinging in circles at his sides. He looked like a little toy airplane about to take off. "I should have made sure that Haru's bicycle was stable before Kyou tried to considerable send him on his way! It's all my fault! Here!" With this, he threw himself to the cement with cranium cracking force, aligning his head with the currently horizontal front wheel of the bike. "Run my head over as punishment! Let me wear the tire marks as proof of my repentance! Or even better, you could bounce the wheel on my temple a few times and you could just splatter my useless brains across the concrete! I cause nothing but trouble! DO THE WORLD A SERVICE I BEG YOU! PUNISH ME LIKE THE SOCIAL CRETIN I AM! GOMEN-NASAI!"

Before Yuki and Haru could politely enquire that he would do well to tie his lips in a knot for a good twenty-four hours, Tohru intervened, insistently wrapping about a years supply of bandages around Haru's head and helmet. Now he looked like a walking advertisement for Sorbent. That or a direction impaired Mummy with the ability to turn into a peaceful grass grazer.

"Uh, Miss Honda? I really don't think that's necessary-'' Yuki began but was interrupted by another string of determined suggested implements for evil monkeys who stood by and allowed the evil of the world to strut its stuff without even raising a hand. Yuki fumed and wondered if anyone would hold it against him if he bound Ritsu's mouth up with bandages. Unfortunately Tohru had used them all on Haru's seemingly unbruised skull. The rat hung his silver head and made a vow there and then to enter therapy once this whole fic was over and done with. Similarly, Haru suddenly felt glad about his unexpected detour to the next town over, even if it meant he would have to part ways with his first and only love for good while. Damn this is sadder than the scene in Titanic when Rose hopped in the life boat and was about to leave Jack behind. … Oh who am I kidding. This scene is a hell of a lot sadder.

Before Yuki could descend any further into angst, Haru smiled his plaintive and gentle smirk and quickly leaned forward to deposit a kiss on his beloved's lips. Then he climbed to his feet and winked down at him.

"Well, looks like I've got me some candy to buy. See you when I get back." He said in a tone so seductive it would have made Madonna slither out of her cone cups. Yuki's mouth was slightly agape, drool hanging from one corner eloquently. He absently wiped it on the hem of Tohru's dress (who naturally let him do so without a single word of objection) and tried to talk without fumbling his words.

"Shmoovle doyble drabble wallop ddadiffa sciffa." Said Yuki. Which translated means: 'Shmoovle doyble drabble wallop ddadiffa sciffa.' But Haru understood.

For some things in life there are no words.

With that sexiness so well displayed in his very first appearance, Haru swung his leg over the bike, pulled on his bike goggles and struck a complimentary pose as the camera panned over his delectable profile and the bright purple bicycle, complete with white whicker basket and little tassels hanging off of each handle. Q – Chan chirped merrily and hopped into the whicker basket, looking quite pleased at being included in this little adventure. He was in Akito's possession after all and who knows what our favorite family bully does to that cute little critter in his spare time. … Forget I asked. I don't wanna know anything about Akito's kinks.

… Then again… maybe I do…

With one last wink at Yuki, Haru turned and cycled into the sunset, ringing his little bell as he went. His journey to North Dakota had begun!

…wait…I mean the next city over.

Yuki looked dramatically into the sudden morning wind from nowhere. A little saliva shone on his chin but it could have easily been missed if I hadn't pointed out. Call me cruel… but I did. Sue me

"Good bye… Haru…"

SNAP, Crackle, POP-

"Calling all comedy fans, calling all Fruits Basket fans! Rice Crispies, they make noise in the bowl!" Shigure held up a bowl of Rice Crispies.

"Part of this complete breakfast!" Aya added for good measure. Hatori sweatdropped "I knew letting them listen to those old Dick Tracy tapes was a bad idea."

Yuki sighed, watching Hatori apply plaster to Kyou's broken nose with thinly veiled amusement. "I know this is a really bad subject to bring up but don't you think we should continue the game' till Haru comes back so the readers don't get bored?"

Because woe descend if the readers ever got _bored. _Not on my dragonfly shaped watch, sonny Jim!

Shigure and Ayame stopped their shameless advertisement and walked back to the sitting area. However, they made sure to keep up the 'subtle' product placement by pushing a bowl of Rice Crispies into every shot. Hey, how do you think they managed to find the money to repair Shigure's house all the time? You didn't _really _think the Main House actually funded that shit do you? Ah my naïve young ones. Would Akito be wearing those Cardcaptor Sakura boxers for anything other than advertising?

… Why are you all looking at me like that?

"Uh… so whose turn is it?" Shigure muttered, pretending he didn't know the author as he looked around the room. This sort of snobbery was usually extended towards him rather than the other way around. Now that's telling you something.

Ayame had a brilliant solution. "Well since he suggested it, I say Yuki goes next!"

Yuki looked around startled "Me? Oh no." Yuki started to back away slowly only to be caught by an energetic Shigure.

"Alright Yuki; Truth or Dare?" The dog had a scary grin on his face, kind of like the dentist used to give you whenever you turned up to an appointment without your parents. The look that said 'I've-got-me-a-new-set-of-hooks-and-scary-metal-instruments-and-we-need-to-ration-our-laughing-gas-so-there'll-be-_no-_piss-weak-numbness-today!' This sort of expression is usually followed up by some clumsy advance but fortunately Yuki was a big boy and knew how to handle himself. He also knew where Shigure slept and how to apply a pillow to a slumbering persons face. Shigure and Kyou had already learnt this the hard way. Not that Kyou would try to hump Yuki, no. Kyou _hates _Yuki. He _haaaaaates _Yuki. He definitely does not want to yaoi or shounen-ai or hentai with him. (Translation: No eating here tonight.)Yuki quivered at the idea of the type of Truth Shigure and Ayame would come up with him, Dare didn't seem like much of an alternative but it was better than having to admit to any number of his embarrassing secrets. Such as his hidden stash of 'Fake' manga's, hidden underneath a loose floorboard in Akito's room. Or the late night 'tickle sessions' he and Kyou engaged in. Or the time he put salt in the milk. Or when he sold Shigure's smut on E-Bay so that he could afford more episodes of Fake. Or the time he visited "Muraki's Doujinshi delight' to look up the amount of doujinshi there was that involved him and Haru and him and Kyou… and even more disturbingly, him and Ayame. No, he most definitely didn't want anyone to know about _that. _There was only one solution. Besides imminent homicide, suicide or fainting. That solution was…

"...Um…dare?"

Shigure let go of Yuki and started to think, pacing back and forth across the room in a very indecisive and in Ayame's opinion (not to mention the authors) kind of arousing manner. Shigure thought for a long time. So long in fact that the winters blew by, summer came, the cherry blossom front moved up and down the country thrice, Akito grew out of his Cardcaptor Sakura boxers and…no I'm kidding! That would imply that Shigure was thinking for a century and I don't think my bladder (not to mention my sanity) has that kind of a stretch in it to keep this fanfic going for that long. Moments later, Kyou had come up with a momentous idea. Momentous I say! It came to him whilst he was staring at the empty and still dripping fire extinguisher propped by the front door. A light bulb came on over his head. It was 74 watt. Kyou resolved to have a little word to the animators about that, just as soon as this fanfic was over.

"I say we throw him to the fangirls in the nude!" Kyou bellowed, grinning just like the scary dentist. Whether it was because he was about to do something indecent to a poor, helpless and naked Yuki is merely just wishful thinking of many Kyou/Yuki fangirls. Because the whole rivals secretly wanting each other thing _so _doesn't work ladies. I mean, look at Muraki and Tsuzuki. They have no chemistry whatsoever.

Shigure waved his finger like a disapproving parent. "Now, now Kyou, ratings dear. (Unaware that this fic should actually have a higher rating as a result of the swearing, adult content, sexual references and indecent exposure already) But that is a good idea. How about in his boxers? Like Akito is." They all looked over to Akito who was still attempting to look manly despite his Card Captor Sakura boxers. Which was no difficult task. I mean, it's not like Akito's a girl or anything.

"Sounds good to me." Kyou shrugged, secretly just wanted to see Yuki in his boxers because we all know he is secretly digging on our sweet little mousy-poo. Whoops, did I just spill the baked beans? Yuki blushed, wondering if there was anything behind Kyou's choice of words. 'Sounds good to me' sounded like something his fangirls said as news spread about him being dressed as a girl that one unmentionable occasion. Gross… he actually said Tohru would look cute in that episode. COOTIES!

"Well I uh…"

Ayame positioned himself in front of Yuki and pointed down upon him all dramatically.

"Yuki, as your older brother, I command you to strip for me!" Came the inappropriately booming voice from somewhere deep in that pretentious snakes chest.

Everyone morphed into little sausage people with the random beeping noise you hear like when the fangirls found out Yuki ate leeks in the dub. This means the general population is completely and utterly… baffled. Or maybe they're turned on. Though the image of wobbly sausage people doesn't exactly spell out arousal to me, though it _is _somewhat Freudian. What do you guys think? Get back to me on that will you?

"That sounded dirty" Momiji giggled, referring to Ayame's command and not the authors' musing's on sexual representation in anime. Or he could have been referring to both. Why not? Hatori was too amazed by Aya's stupidity to say anything as per usual and Shigure was trying, not succeeding in the urge not to laugh. He cupped a hand over his mouth, attempting to smother his escaping chortles and only managed to produce an eloquent series of raspberries into his palm. This just made him laugh even harder, causing even bigger and more slobbery raspberries. Finally, he couldn't handle it any more.

"...b…bw…bwhahahahahahahaha" Shigure feel over clutching his sides. Yuki gave Ayame a look that could kill then started to strip down to his boxers blushing. Tohru covered her face and all the fangirls reading this thought she was nuts and started staring indecently at Yuki stripping. Perverts. You should be ashamed of yourselves. And don't even think about using my crude obsession with men wearing women's clothes and underwear against me. It won't work. I'm not ashamed of my addiction. I enjoy it. You're all just jealous you didn't think of dressing Akito up in a maid's outfit first.

Akito looked up confused. "Huh? B-but… I'm not wearing a maid's uniform…" He looked down at himself to confirm this and starting screaming his pretty little head off. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! I _am_ wearing a maid's uniform!"

"Well… spank my ass and call me bitch, so you are." Shigure chirped, praying Akito wouldn't actually take him up on his offer. There'd already been way too many fanfics like that, not to mention fanart and doujinshi visually demonstrating it for his, not to mention Ayame's comfort. But Akito was too busy having a hissy fit to bother exacting his evil sexual urges over his favorite doggy. Besides that relationships primarily centered in the manga anyway and lord knows they don't know what the hell they're doing.

"But… but… why am I in a maid's outfit?" He extended running over to a mirror to look. The outfit was black, lacy around the edges with a little white apron down the front. There was even a little bonnet hat on his head and a feather duster in one hand. It was a harassment suit waiting to happen. It was naturally short enough that _nothing _was left to the imagination. Akito turned around, trying to see what kind of underwear he had on. He paled. It was underwear as disgustingly pervy as anything Ayame would make, sell and wear. Some sort of lacy thong number. Akito fell to the floor, modestly somehow and started wailing at the ceiling. "WHERE ARE MY BOXERS! I WANT MY MAGIC BOXERS BACK! GIMME MY BOXERS BACK YOU UNHOLY SADISTIC BITCH!"

Akito soon learnt that _that _kind of language was not appropriate, especially in reference to the author who had you in her power. After a polite 'Ka-ching' wipe that replaced a small censored period of foul language, much plushie throwing, adult content and a bit of quite necessary uke whipping, the scene reopened on everything as it was before. Only the author was sweating a little and Akito was the cute and perky model of cooperation that had nothing further to say on the issue of his sexy boxer less predicament.

Which, as it is, has to do with the fact that my friend Tara wrote the following strip scene of Yuki Sohma and I, not being a drooling, squealing Yuki fangirl myself, needed something to occupy my attention whilst this blatant extortion of the Princes body is going on. It's only fair.

"Yes it is, ma'm!" Akito perked, striking a cute schoolgirl pose and resting the fluffy duster on one shoulder. Kyou tried to rotate his attention between Nemesis No. 1 and 2 like he was trying to decide which one was better to look at. Kind of like comparing infinity with infinity and one. He finally settled on Yuki, because he was going to be showing more flesh than Akito presently was. There can only be one boxer donned person in this fic at any given time (except for the beginning when Akito and Shigure were having the Tarzan stand off) and Yuki was about to become that lucky individual.

He undid the ties on his Chinese shirt and began to strip his shirt off, revealing his creamy white skin I'm going for a bit of fan service. His white oriental garment fell to the floor as a slight flush played along Yuki's cheeks.

"Wow the authoress is really getting into this description isn't she?" Shigure commented. Ayame went to reply when a bright light flashed from the kitchen and he and Shigure were lured inside as though pulled by an invisible hand. Meanwhile Yuki was involved in the tenacious task of undoing his pants, the tight blue ones that show off his perfect (skinny) figure. Showing us just the top of his white boxers, his blush turned harsher as he slid down his pants to show what he was wearing. Was it boxers or briefs? Were they black or 'Like a Virgin' white? Were they print or were they polka dotted? My dear readers they were –

"HELLO KITTY BOXERS?" Kyou exploded and then died laughing at the Hello Kitty prints on Yuki's boxers. Hiro and Momiji started laughing into tears, as Tohru and Kisa tried to maintain a polite silence. Ritsu started to cry because he hadn't found a reason to apologize to anyone for a good ten minutes and it was making him paranoid.

"Someone has a cat fetish! Perhaps the author put you with the wrong guy?" Hiro snickered.

"It! It's not like that" Yuki blushed harder.

"Right, right, whatever you say Yuki." Hiro waved his hand in the air.

"Really! They were on Sale at JC Penny's!" Yuki insisted, going redder than a Frankfurt in ketchup. Kyou rolled in laughter, tears streaming down his creased expression. Though deep down he was actually quite flattered that Yuki was wearing boxers that sort of related to him so well. Still, it would be a while before Kyou would ever admit to wearing Tom and Jerry boxer shorts no matter how soft, silky and manly they were.

Momiji wiped away a few stray tears and tried unsuccessfully to compose himself. It was difficult though considering that there were currently two teenage men in the room, one who was wearing a maid's outfit and the other who was standing there near-to-stark with only a pair of pink and white boxers keeping him from complete and censored nudity. This was the thing that family soap opera's were made of.

"Now all you have to do is walk to the president of your fanclubs house and knock on the door!" The bunny squealed as though this was as easy and biking to the next town over for candy or something. "I'll call before hand and make sure she calls the other girls over!"

As Momiji ran off to add a couple of dollars to Shigure's already insulated phone bill, (phone sex with Ayame isn't as cheap as he is, you know) the owner of the establishment suddenly came staggering back into the Living Room, a bottle of something that smelt dangerously of alcohol clutched in one hand. He took a swig of it and pulled a stupid drunken Kaoru expression.

"GUESS whut!" He said, pronouncing the 'what' like a hill-billy. Everyone obligingly enquired as to 'what' this 'whut' could be. Shigure grinned like a maniac and jerked his thumb over his shoulder, nearly putting out Ayame's eye as the snake bounced into the room, clutching at least two bottles in each hand. Probably one in his foot as well.

"Someone left like a … like a… _forever _supply of alcoholic beverages in the kitchen!" Shigure hiccupped, bouncing around like the queer little hyper-holic he is. "It's just- sitting there on the floor. All lonely and by itself! Aya and I just HAD to help it!"

Ayame nodded and hiccupped. "Call it a - hic- adult obligation!"

The others looked back and forth between each other and slowly shook their heads. Yuki smacked his face down into the palm of his hand.

"They're drunk. Great… this dare just got a whole lot scarier than it seemed ten seconds ago…"

Hatori pulled out his cigarette packet only to notice that he'd smoked every single last lovely stick of cancer his possession. He cursed internally, wishing he'd requested Haru make an unannounced detour to stock up for him. Even though Haru was underage. Hatori wasn't sure how he would be able to handle a drunken Shigure and Ayame out in broad daylight. Unless he got drunk himself and there was _no way _he was doing that with the intoxicated presence of his two ambiguous friends, both who still had their on going dare on who was going to do him first. Besides he still had a hangover.

"How did a… uh… forever supply of alcohol, manage to get in our kitchen?" Kyou wondered, clearly underestimating Shigure's hoarding ability. That and the authors' ploy to keep the readers interested by introducing as many hindering elements into this fic as possible. Not to mention fan service and product placement.

"I dunno!" Ayame trilled like the little boy on the tricycle in The Incredible's. "It was like a… MIRACLE!" He sighed. Then he drained the two bottles in his hand and morphed into a giant expando head, complete with a scary toothy grin. "You know Kyou, after a few drinks you look kinda hot. Wanna get a room? He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he…"

"Oh God… now he's turned into Hakushaku…" Hatori moaned as Ayame started to chortle lecherously in the background. Ritsu in the meantime was hyperventilating. Finally! Something he could hate himself for! He interrupted the whole happy affair by throwing his arms skyward and screaming in that feminine tone of his that makes Michael Jackson sound like a manly baritone.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'M SORRY! I can't believe I let Ayame and Shigure get drunk like that! _I _should have taken responsibility of that poor defenseless alcohols loneliness! Allow me to drink it all, that I might get blood or alcohol poisoning and die as some small way of forgiving my egregious act!"

Under normal circumstances, Shigure wouldn't have let Ritsu within twelve feet of his booze without a handy safety harness. But at the presence moment, he was simply too drunk to think rationally. Amazing how quickly he put away all that plonk. In 2 minutes he drank enough to completely trash himself and in Shigure's case you know that has to be a damn lot. Oh my…

"Sure Ri, you go right ahead!" Giggled Shigure, waving a hand about lambently. Hatori tried to stop him but alas, it was too late. In his desperate quest to punish himself for being a hideous pimple on the butt of life, Ritsu had unloaded what remained of the liquor into his until now, healthy and functioning liver. This changes his role considerable and allows the author a bit more flexibility from now on. Hey, it gets boring just having him apologize all the time! Now, he's the new and improved; 'DRUNKEN MONKEY!' Observe:

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYY! Hey baby!" Ritsu sang as he can-canned his way out of the kitchen. Everyone stared at him in mortal dread as he pelvic thrust-ed to the 'Ooh! Ah!' part of the song. He danced over to Akito, who was busy dusting some incredibly high surface and went down on his knees before him. "I wanna knoOOOOOOOOoooooooooWWWWww! OHHHhhhh! If you'll be my girl!"

Akito quickly concealed his buttocks with what currently existed of the skirt (let's just say the bottom half of this maid's outfit was so… MIA, it could have passed for a belt) and batted Ritsu over the head with the feather duster.

"No I bloody well will not!" He snapped as Ritsu's allergies began to react to all the dust in the fluffly implement. "Because for one; I'm not a girl! Where the hell do these rumors get started! WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I'M A GIRL OLD MAN! PEOPLE HAVE BEEN CALLING MY PRIVATE NUMBER FOR MONTHS NOW AND ASKING WHY I'VE HIDDEN THE FACT I'M A GIRL! I'M NOT A GIRL! I'M A MANLY BOY! MANLY I SAY! WHAT THE HELL IS _WRONG _WITH YOU PEOPLE!"

He was wearing a maid's outfit.

Ayame pelted across the room and threw himself happily about Akito's waist, burying his face into the soft fabric of the maid's outfit. Akito shrieked, no longer favoring Ayame's advances now that his Magical Pair of Cardcaptor Sakura boxers were on ice until Yuki's dare was finished. It just wasn't the same in an itsy bitsy teeny weenie black and frilly maid's outfit.

"Don't worry Pretty Akitty! _I _think you're VERY manly! And very sexy in frills!" The amorous snake squealed, rubbing up against Akito like a dove in heat. He was even making the crooning love sick noise. "All this silky fabric, those long slender legs, the cute little thong – OH I must have you! Kiss me you fine looking man meat!"

Ritsu tugged Akito back firmly. "Ayame! How _dare _you try and steal my fine-looking and striking family bully from me! I'm afraid I don't approve of this union! I wouldn't send you a postcard on your honeymoon if you decided to marry!"

"Ayyyaaa" Shigure whined from somewhere in the background.

Kyou sweatdropped and put on his best negotiators face. "Uh… guys? Shouldn't we let that _damn nezumi_ do his dare now? We've been screwing around here for god knows how l-'' Whatever he had been about to say was somewhat obscured as the author suddenly remembered that Kagura was in this fic too and the ardent boar came flying back in from nowhere and wrapped herself around Kyou like cheap wrapping paper.

"My love!" She crooned.

"My GOD!" He screamed back, reminded all too well of his prior experience with the awful and terrible fangirls of the Yuki/Kyou fanclub. Not that they didn't have the right idea but… they were just so damn creepy! Not that Kagura was any better mind but still, the preference is usually the evil you know whence compared to the evil you usually cross the street to avoid. Yes my dears, that is the evil of the obsessive fangirls.

Tohru watched the whole debacle unfold with that usual strained and stripy expression. She took a step forward, one hand raised diplomatically as Kyou and Akito found themselves at the mercy of sexual molestation in individual corners of the room. You may think me for instilling the image later. I'm free tonight.

"Um… excuse me?" She meeked but was held back by a brighter faced Yuki. Her face flushed as her eyes caught site of his presently unclothed stature but she tried to be mature about it. Damn, that girl's had the good fortune to see members of this household naked _how _many times and she still reacts like someone just pressed a burning hot iron to her face. Something I would like to see but I digress…

"Let them squabble Miss Honda. The longer they behave like this, the more likely the chance that they'll forget all about this stupid little dare they're going to make me do."

Ha. You think so baby.

"Dammit Ayame! Get your face off of my crotch!"

"But Akito! It's not _on _your crotch! It's on your tummy! "

"You call _that _my tummy!"

"Well… maybe if you would stop squirming…"

"AYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMOOOOOREE!" Shigure howled in misery. Ayame spun on him in a movement even more dramatic than was usual for him and tossed his head in a wide silver arc. Luckily Haru wasn't around to be maimed by it this time.

"Gure! Of course I love you! But you need to understand that I must sate my insatiable appetite… my _craving _for men in maids outfits! It's an urge I can't deny!" He declared with passion.

Shigure fell to both knees. "AYA!" He moaned, but not in a sexual way. At least not yet. "I can wear a maid's outfit! Just give me a chance to loose these love handles and I _swear _I'll be able to squeeze into one! I'll look even sexier than Akito too!"

Akito would have rebuked this but he was too busy dissuading Ritsu with his feather dusty to keep his grubby little paws out of his skirt. Damn, who ever knew the monkey would be so… gropey under the influence of the good old saké?

Ayame knelt before Shigure and grasped both of his hands with his. Sakura blew up in the background, the wind threatening to almost blow the men's clothes off. I love when that happens in anime.

"Gure! I believe in our love! I believe that you will look sexy in a maid's outfit! But if you truly loved me… how could you make me wait!" He sobbed dramatically into Shigure's palm as Kyou tried to keep from throwing up all his fries and cheeseburger at the site. Damn it was sick when cousins got it on with one another. "I need you here for me _now! _To hold me back from this… temptation…" He cast a glance back at Akito who was whacking Ritsu continuously over the head. "How can you expect me to deny myself of this unearthly beauty?"

"HANDS OFF, BITCH!" Akito shrieked.

"Aya! I love you!" Gure sobbed. He threw himself into Ayame's arms and the two of them rolled around the Living Room like a bishounen tumbleweed. Momiji had to step over them as he re-entered the room and then dodge them again as they hit the reverse. Shigure pinned Ayame down and gave him 'the-sexual-molester-dentists-look.'

"Ayame! You're the only snake in _my _Eden!" He cried with the line that undoubtedly will be quoted by Aya/Gure fans forever now. Yeah, I'm trying to endorse my own lingo. Leave me alone. "I must have you now!"

"Oh Gure!" Ayame sobbed back. "Your sloppy disheveled lazy author look has always been sexy to me! I just love to make you jealous! GIVE IT TO ME BABY!"

Shigure then proceeded to propel his tongue down into Ayame's lung, with many interesting sound effects to go with it. If Kagura hadn't been pinning him down, Kyou would have fled the scene for the toilet a long time ago. As it was, he was forced to swallow back his bile and remind himself that there were worse things in the world. … What they were he didn't know but he was sure there had to be something.

Momiji, oblivious to all the pheromones currently drag racing around the room, pointed a finger at Yuki commandingly.

"Well Yuki… all the fangirls are at President Motoko's. Now's the time for us to shakey-shake our way on over to the White Radish House and shake your grove thang!" He bonked butts with Yuki as some sort of encouragement but the mouse instead looked even more morose. The mall experience had been bad enough. How _this _little mis-demeanor was going to end he didn't want to know. But he figured it wouldn't be good.

-SNORK-

Haru peddled his little legs along the street past the school. He came to a sudden, lurching halt as he happened upon a four way intersection. Not his favorite place to be in the world, I can assure you. He looked this way and that, judged by the angle of the sun, turned and faced outwards to where the thought the ocean was, examined the street signs and finally came to an educated decision. He got off of his bike and fell to the ground dramatically like that ant in the beginning of 'A Bugs life.'

"I'M LOST!"

Luck was on Haru's mis-directed side however. It just so happened that at _this_ particular moment so passed the random Yuki fan girl from before; her name was Kireina if you couldn't remember.

"Excuse me miss?" Haru looked at her, she looked down at him in absolute disgust because he took HER Yuki. Though she shouldn't really know that because technically, it wasn't like it was a public announcement at this point. Not like; "Akito's dating the Devil's son!' for instance.

"What?"

He looked at her and Shigure's profound command of 'Whisper, whisper, whisper' rang in his ears. Haru didn't particularly want to risk impeding the authors wrath (he may be out of the reach of the Sohma's, but he was still dedicated to following his dare whilst the author was around) so he had no other option. He had to go through with it and hoped no one carted him off to the nearest mental asylum. Unless of course it was near the candy store, in which case it would have been really useful.

Haru's dare was, in a sense… the 'In my pants' game. Only, Shigure gave him another lingo to say at the end of every sentence whenever he asked for directions. Haru took a deep breath and then just blurted it out.

"I need directions without my pants!"

She looked at him like he was nuts and slowly started to back off, reaching for her pepper spray. This was usually reserved for perverted rapists and whack jobs who spoke to voices in their head. She got the feeling that this guy may have just qualified.

"To where?" She asked somewhat hesitantly. She half expected him to bring up the nearest mental asylum. Maybe he was that escapee she kept on hearing about.

Haru could read her fear like he could read a kiddies picture book. No matter though. He had a dare and he aimed to carry it out. He bravely persevered.

"To North Dakota…I mean the next town over without my pants!"

She continued to back away slowly from Haru, all the while reaching for the comforting phallic shaped protection of her pepper spray. This guy was clearly a nut job! She couldn't see what the valiant, beautiful, glamorous- Akito: I thought Shenai told you not to glorify Yuki- Kireina: nope-Prince Yuki would see in him. Regardless, she figured the sooner she sent him on his way, the sooner he would be out of the picture and the more time she'd have to have her wicked way with the prince! HA HA HA HA HA! "Well you need to go left, turn around the school, go up the magical hill of doom and then go down waving your arms screaming; 'I'm a bucket of nuts and then you'll be in the town next door…but remember, you must scream and wave your arms going 'I am a bucket of nuts, then you turn the first left you see, then the next right, tilt your pelvic axis slightly at a 60 degree angle, put your left foot in, put your left foot out, put your left foot in and shake it all about. And that-'' She concluded. " –_ is_ what it's all about. Got that?"

Haru nodded as he quickly scribbled this down onto his convenient scented notebook.

"Thankyou very much, you've been a great help without my pants!" The cow said reaching into his pocket. He retrieved a snazzy white card with black splotches all over it. Smiling genuinely he extended his arm out and gave it to her. "Here, give me a call some time without my pants. I want to repay you for helping me out today without my pants."

The girl took the card but continued to back away, waving her arms in a sporadic matter.

"No that's okay. I don't think that's really necessary."

Haru looked confused. "But you were so helpful to tell me the way to the next town without my pants. I'd like to extend a token gesture of gratitude without my pants. I could just buy you a cup of coffee and we could hang out, without my pants?"

But the girl had no reply. She was already a mere dot in the distance.

Haru shrugged and leant forward to pat Q – Chan on the head. "I guess some people just don't want to be rewarded for their kindness. Isn't that noble without my pants?"

Q –Chan squealed expectantly.

With another baffled expression at the currently retreating Yuki fangirl, Haru jumped back on his bike to continue on his way.

_KA –CHING!_

"Hey, I just remembered something!" Shigure shrilled as the Sohma's stood lined up outside of Motoko's Radish shop. "_I _was wearing Hello Kitty boxers in the first chapter and now Yuki's wearing a pair all of his own! Mine were orange though, see?" With that he pulled apart the halves of his yukata, revealing a toned and angular body and… not much else. Tohru and Kisa both went an unhealthy shade of scarlet and turned away to afford the poor drunken man some privacy. Ayame, Akito and Ritsu (?) all took a closer look.

Shigure finally glanced down. "Oops…" He mumbled, adjusting the angle of his head as though this may have aided in the task of locating his currently AWOL orange Hello Kitty boxer shorts. "Oh… that's right! I used them to tie Ayame up to the railing in my room!"

Both men beamed at solving this near to impossible mystery and all was right in the world. Except for the fact that Shigure was revealing full frontal nudity to a fairly crowded street. The audience had turned up because news of Yuki Sohma strutting about in pink and white Hello Kitty boxer shorts was too much for the general society to bear. Simply _everyone _had to come and have a look. The entire school population had shown up. Tour guides from various facilities all over the country had redirected their group tours to this one particular historical event. Secretaries with bagged lunches were seated on the opposing sidewalk, pouring coffee from warm thermoses. Venders were set up. Children ran around with helium balloons. Marching bands paraded down the street. Satellites had swung in their orbit to capture this amazing moment. Planes landed and tourists from all over the world made their way to that one street. Aliens hovered in orbit for a better look.

Yep, that Yuki Sohma sure is a popular guy.

Kyou sweatdropped. "Shigure, whilst I _desperately _needed to hear the details about yours and that damn snakes love life, could we please keep it on a strictly 'need to know' basis from now on? And for God's sake would you do up your damn kimono! The censor bars don't work for me you know!"

Shigure looked kind of hurt but did as he was told, sulkily tying his kimono about his modesty. Ayame beamed and gave him a sideways hug.

"Don't worry Gure! _I _like seeing you naked!" He assured.

Kagura hugged Kyou. "You could be naked for me ANYTIME!" She offered. Kyou didn't even bother to dignify this with a response, which is just leading the girl on really.

Hiro gave Yuki a little nudge in the calf. "So? You didn't drag us all down here for nothing, did ya? Go on. Get it over and done with. I'm sure it won't be as bad as you think it is."

Yuki cold sweated and gulped, thinking that anything _half _as bad as what he was thinking of was bad enough. Ayame saw his chance to play the supportive big brother and immediately jumped into the role as quickly as he jumped into Shigure's yukata. He pranced up behind Yuki and planted his hands firmly in the center of Yuki's back.

"Now, now Yuki! There's no need to feel embarrassed!" He said, leaning forward with all his weight in the effort of sliding Yuki's _slender_ young nubile body towards the door. The fangirls beady eyes were pressed to the upstairs window, eagerly awaited his indecently exposed arrival. "Just keep reminding yourself; _'It's all perfectly natural and I'm having fun! It's all perfectly natural and I'm having fun!'"_

"How about; '_When I'm finished being thoroughly groped and humiliated against my will, I'm going to march straight back out here and have fun putting my fist through my annoying older brothers face!"_

For once Ayame backed off. He looked unusually irritated. "Well _excuse _me for wasting my encouragement where it's clearly not wanted!" With a diva like 'humph!' he turned on his heel and stalked back to Shigure's side. The inu gave him a little pat on the shoulder and flashed a confident grin in Yuki's direction.

"Knock 'em dead kid!" He enthused. Akito nodded agreeably and then skipped up to Yuki's side. He leant down to whisper in his ear.

"I don't think I need to remind you what will happen if any of these girls find out about our secret…" He hissed, the threat that much more malignant as a result of the maid's outfit. "You just watch yourself in there and try not to do anything stupid."

Yuki would have pointed out the hypocrisy of this, considering what Akito's role in this fanfic has been reduced to but he knew from personal experience that the young family master was lethal with a whip. Kind of makes you wonder what kind of bed companion he would make, huh? Oops… once again I am getting off track.

The mouse put on his most obedient face, realizing that behaving himself meant that this humiliating affair would be considerably shortened. He sighed, wishing he hadn't laughed at Hatori all the way back in chapter two. Yuki now understood how it felt to be that… exposed.

"I'll be careful, Akito." He said, sounding like one of those sulky kids when they're made to apologize to their teacher for being a smart-ass. Akito seemed satisfied by this. But of course we all know that Akito is satisfied very easily. What a ho.

"Good!" He sang patting his favorite mousy-wousy on the head. "Now you go and have a lovely time, play nice with the fangirls, unless one of the fangirls tries to hug you and then you have to shove the fangirl away and mince to safety in a very gay toe-tapping manner."

No one ever gave Yuki a break about that 'Princes crab-walk' scene in episode one. It wasn't his fault the animators made him look so camp!

The crowd was starting to get restless. They were squirming around like a monkey on heat, which is quite easy to visualize if you took a yonder glance at Ritsu who was jigging around as he stared at Akito in sudden lusty infatuation. The family master was pretending not to be flattered by the attention. But who was he kidding? We all know he likes to get dressed like a lady. … Not to imply that he is one or anything…

Yuki Sohma took a deep breath and thrust out his slim and not very well defined chest. Time to grab the bull by the horns! (Yuki made a mental note for later bedroom antics with Haru once he had returned) Our fearless, unadulterated hero started to slowly make his way up to the front door of Motoko's house. Each step was tiny, barely covering around an inch of ground. At this rate it was going to take him a year to get to the door step.

Not that anyone in the audience seemed to mind. They all had an unobstructed view of Yuki's Hello Kitty emboldened behind, which was certainly enough incentive to miss their education and forfeit a day of beneficial duty in order to enable Japanese society to function. Shigure, still quite geezied up from his little endeavor with the Randomly Appearing Beer, skipped his merry way over to one of the many bands and made a song request. It seemed he'd considerately decided that Yuki was in need of his own personal introductory music. Ayame soon joined him on the apron of the stage (the sidewalk) and both men began to sing Yuki's brand new Theme Song. A haunting rendition of 'Push Up.'

Yuki cringed at the wobbly lyrics being belted out by his older brother and cousin. What they were singing sounded inherently wrong when used in reference to him:

_"Your body, your body next to mine –_

_PUSH UP!_

_I gotta make that sexy booty mine –_

_PUSH UP!_

_And shake it, baby shake that ass –_

_PUSH UP!_

_I love it when you feel like getting nasty!"_

The highlight of the performance had to be when Ritsu joined in, all three grown men performing lewd dance movements that seemed to evaluate to; 'Let's have cheap and meaningless sex right here in the middle of the street.' All the blood drained from Kyou's face as he attempted to back away and deny his association with his intoxicated relatives at the same time. Hatori escaped back into his thoughts of black bleeding angst and never melting snowflakes, a place he frequented as religiously as some men rocked up to their favorite bar to drown their sorrows. Angst was cheaper and depending on what kind of fangirl you are, it could be considered quite sexy. FANSERVICE ALERT!

Yuki was fit to be tied. He couldn't decide which was worst; staying outside and listening to this ridiculous attempt at Karaoke or place his ass in the hands of his drooling moronic fanclub whilst only wearing boxer shorts that could have passed as a postage stamp.

Yuki knocked on the front door of Motoko's house. "Excuse Miss Minagawa?" He called meekly.

The last thing he saw before four pairs of hands descended upon him was the snarling deranged faces of the four Primary members of the 'Prince Yuki' fanclub. Then he was yanked into darkness.

_KA-CHING!_

"Excuse me sir?"

The middle aged store attendant looked up from the cash he had been squandering, to meet the eyes of an impassive white haired bikie with some mutant (but kinda cute) animal on his shoulder. The leather donned individual glanced down at the 'Candy List' Shigure and Ayame had made out for him and then raised his head again as the attendant tried to hide what he was doing in a very unsuccessful and highly suspicious manner. Not that that was any of Haru's concern. If people wanted to rip their employers off, that was their business. The only thing on this cow's mind was to load up his girly white whicker basket with a gargantuan amount of saccharine produce and cycle his way back to where his beloved young rat awaited him. He sighed, sparklies and love hearts popping around his head like champagne bubbles. He hoped nothing _too _disastrous had befallen his rodenty love in his absence. Otherwise there would be hell to pay!

The attendant blinked at the young man who appeared to have lapsed into an alternate state of consciousness in the doorway. He rang the annoying little service bell that seems to appear in _every _movie or show shop, but never in real life, to get his attention. Haru snapped back from Yuki land at the insistent trilling and flashed his little passive smile, best recalled from his first appearance when Yuki turned into a rat because Tohru called him his nickname. The little smile that said; _'As soon as you turn your back missy, I'll be bringing a two-by-four down between your pretty shoulder blades.'_ At least, that's how _I _interpreted it.

"Beg your pardon, sir. Could you please direct me to the candy isle without my pants?"

The attendant opened his mouth to reply when his brain caught track of the last half of Haru's sentence.

"I'm …. S-sorry… … …. Could you perhaps… run that by me again?"

Haru sighed impatiently. He didn't have time for this! He had a Yuki to be getting home to!

"I said; 'Could you please direct me to the candy isle without my pants? Geez, maybe next time you should pay more attention to me without my pants? I'm only five feet away… perhaps there's something wrong with your hearing without my pants? Maybe you should see a doctor about that? My cousin happens to be a physician and he is always complaining that I never come around to see him enough without my pants. He's the family doctor but lately he seems to be having some problems without my pants. I guess he's just going through an early mid-life crisis without my pants…" Haru mused forlornly.

The attendant nodded sympathetically as his hand edged slowly towards the shotgun he kept hidden under the bench. _Just keep eye contact and make no sudden movements…_

"The candy isles down that way," He said, pointing in a direction that vaguely included most of the right side of the store. "It's full of sweets and candy and other teeth rotting goodness. You can't miss it. Just look for a bunch of kids running around."

Haru smiled cheerfully. "I love hanging around with kids without my pants! I often go over to visit Kisa without my pants. She's twelve and she's the cutest little girl you could ever imagine without my pants. We always have a good time without my pants."

The attendants head was spinning. His hand closed around the handle of the shotgun as he let out a very unconvincing chuckle. _'Pervert! This guy's a PERVO!'_

"Well uh… isn't that nice for you… eh heh… now you just run along now and get… what you need…"

"I will without my pants!" Haru chirped making his way over in the general direction of the candy isle. "Thankyou very much for you help without my pants! I'll be back in a minute to pay for my candy without my pants!"

Q-Chan cooed approvingly as Haru weaved his way through the fruit and vegetable trays, hoping he was headed the right way. Stopping for directions was just getting dangerous. Though it couldn't really be helped in his case. He was suitably direction impaired, so much so that he couldn't even find his way to the bathroom in his own house in the middle of the night. More often than not he ended up urinating in a pot plant, which didn't exactly do the flora a world of good.

A loud 'OOF' caught Haru's attention from somewhere down the left isle of the fruit and vegetables section. A cabbage rolled into view, clearly having escaped from some poor unfortunates shopping basket. Haru gently restrained it with one foot and then with the tip of his toe, flicked it into the air and caught it hackey sack style. Or is that basketball style? Oh, whatever the case, let's just say it looked sweet.

The cow made his way up the isle with the cabbage. A young man with dark brown hair, possibly in his mid twenties was busy trying to gather the other escapee's from his upended basket, his face a darling shade of puce. Haru smiled and knelt down beside him, holding out the cabbage like it was a bouquet of roses.

"I believe this is yours without my pants?"

The young man didn't even seem to register the last part of Haru's sentence. He looked up and was reunited with his missing cabbage. He smiled as he ensnared it like his long lost child.

"Thankyou so much! Oh, I'm such a klutz. … Falling over like that..."

Haru waved a hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it without my pants. You probably just tripped on a loose board or something without my pants. These things happen; it's nothing to be ashamed of without my pants."

The young man blinked and sweatdropped. He smiled uncertainly at Haru but didn't run screaming into the night like he was inclined to at this point. Brave lad. "Uh… okay." He took a closer look and then exclaimed loudly, drawing the current shopping populations' attention to that particular part of the fruit and veg isle. "I know you!" He was pointing at Haru, his finger and arm quivering like Kyou's when he reminded Yuki that yes indeedly do, one day he was going to have his wicked way with- _ahem ­_kick his ass and become a fully fledged member of the Freak Family.

"You're Hatsuharu Sohma!" The older man ureka-d! still clutching the cabbage under one arm and the full basket in the other. Haru nodded certain that he had missed something along the way.

"Uh… yep, that's me without my pants. Who are you without my pants?"

The man dropped the cabbage into the basket and run a hand through his hair, smiling a little shyly. "Me? I'm Kureno."

Haru blinked. "Um… Kureno without my pants?"

The man looked hurt. "Kureno _Sohma?_"

Haru shook his head. "Kureno Sohma… no bells are going off without my pants…"

Kureno glanced back and forth as though to assure no one was in earshot and then lowered his voice, one hand cupped around his mouth, which of course only made it look like he was trying to conceal something even more. _"The rooster?"_

Haru bit his lip, looked slightly upwards as he tried to recall which member of his family was the rooster. He couldn't match a face with the animal. "Sorry… I'm not familiar without my pants."

Kureno's shoulders slumped, his face taking on that shaded, disappointed look. "Well I guess I shouldn't _really _be surprised. I didn't even make the anime and my role in the manga was reduced to being Uo's love interest and Akito's man slave. Everyone pairs me up with Akito anyway, no matter how much emphasis they put on mine and Arisa's relationship."

Haru sweatdropped as he watched Kureno mumble something about his contract and how he needed to hire a better attorney to push his case along. The clock was ticking. As delightful as it was to meet a new member of his own family, there were more pressing matters at hand. Like an exhilarating game of truth or dare. He had to get going so that Momiji could fulfill his own dare! And Yuki… Yuki was all alone in that house with his older brother who harassed him! Shigure who tormented him mercilessly! Kyou who he was most often paired with in doujinshi! Tohru who he was in the main canon coupling with! OH GOD HE HAD TO GET OUT OF THIS STORE!

"Well, it's been very pleasant chatting to you Mister… uh… Whatever without my pants!" Kureno fumed at being referred to as 'Mr. Whatever.' "But I have to go now without my pants! I need to buy Momiji some candy without my pants!"

I just realized how child molesterer that sounds.

Kureno grunted and stuck his nose in the air. "Oh I see. That's how it is, huh? You think you're better than me, just because you can move in your frames and I can't, is that it?"

Haru tried to casually shrink away as the rooster flared up more and more violently. Clearly this was a 'Sensitive Point' tm. Q-Chan quivered on his shoulder and tried to hide his face in Haru's lovely white locks.

"Uh… I really have to-''

"Oh sure, sure! Run along! I'm sure ALL you characters who made it into the animation studio have better things to do with your time then slum it with a black and white model from the manga!" Kureno shrieked, on the verge of pelting Haru's poor stunned expression with groceries. The ox was being steadily backed out of the isle with Kureno converging upon him like a fangirl upon the first ever copy of Kingdom Hearts 2. "You could at least show me a little respect you leather pant wearing, rat humping hippy! I work my ass off to keep the Sohma house supplied with food. I cook, I clean, I put up with Hatori's boring wangst about snowflakes every second day, I smile like some gassed up guppy, I care about how everyone feels, I console my very limited list of friends when one of them has a nervous breakdown _(which in this series is EVERY FREAKIN DAY) _I put everyone else's feelings first without complaint, I have _no _social life to speak, I practically always have to be in the presence of Akito unless of course I'm out shopping right now, _half _of Fruits Basket fans don't even know who I am and those that do know, _half of THEM _still manage to spell my name wrong – '' He grabbed Haru by the scruff of his shirt and shook him until his brain just about came out his nose. "DO YOU HAVE _ANY _IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE THE MALE VERSION OF TOHRU DAY IN DAY OUT AND STILL NOT HAVE A QUARTER OF THE FANS SHE DOES! DO YOU OLD MAN! DO YOU! THE ONLY THING I DO DIFFERENT IS THAT I'M NOT REQUIRED BY SCRIPT TO HAVE THE TWO LEAD MALES LUST ALL OVER MY ASS AND I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR AN ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY SCHOOL UNIFORM! WHY THE HELL DOESN'T ANYONE LIKE ME! I TRIED MY BEST MOM! I TRIED MY BEST!"

With this he proceeded to throw himself to the floor and have a mental breakdown. Anyone who can recall off of the top of their head how many times a character has had a mental breakdown in this fic already gets a prize!

Haru straightened his disheveled jacket and knelt down beside Kureno, patting his twitching back comfortingly.

"Don't be upset without my pants!" He murmured, moving his hand in circles on the roosters' lower back. That was what Haru's mother used to do for him when he was little, whenever he got scared or he had bad gas. "I'm sure that lot's of people know who you are without my pants! Trust me; I know how it feels not to be appreciated without my pants. Despite the popularity of yaoi, people still seem to pair up Yuki with Tohru and Kyou in fanfics way more than they pair him up with me without my pants. I don't know why… it's not as though Kyou has shown that much interest towards Yuki without my pants."

Kureno sniffed and wiped his nose on his sleeve. (Note how Kureno hasn't even remarked once on Haru's current speech impediment.) As soon as he seemed composed however, the rooster just burst out into another long despairing wail.

"Oh Haru!" He moaned in an appropriate and non-sexual way. "Hold me my cow like companion!"

Haru barely had time to reply to the very firm NEGATIVE of his intention to do so, (he was a one cursed family member cow after all) but Kureno didn't even give him the chance.

"HEY!" He bellowed as Kureno leapt onto him, throwing both men to the floor in a not so innocent like fashion. Possibly enforced by the fact that Kureno had his legs flung around Haru's waist and was gyrating his hips against his own. "Mr. Whatever! Would you please stop crawling all over me without my pants?"

The rest of the shoppers did their bit by diverting their eyes and continued shopping in a very polite and non-obtrusive manner. … Ah, who am I kidding? When two guys that hot are rolling around on the Supermarket isle together in a compromising position who, the hell wouldn't stop and stare? But then again… maybe you're all better people than I am.

… _Maybe…_

_KA-CHING!_

Now, it's back to the Yuki show!

Yuki awoke to find himself tied to a chair in the middle of the most luxurious prison cell he had ever laid eyes on. Not that Yuki had laid his eyes on the interior of many jail cells in his time but Shigure had told him all about it, so he felt like he had a pretty good understanding.

It seemed as though Motoko had converted the basement of her parents' vegetable store into a prison shrine, especially dedicated to the worship of Prince Yuki Sohma. In a scene as disturbing as something from a horror film, Yuki's eyes panned over each of the four walls he had access to, only to see pictures of himself, hair samples, skin follicles, cutlery he had touched, slaps of concrete that had been extracted from the footpaths he had stepped on, wrappers that had been extracted from the bin that contained traces of his fingerprints, love poems and so on and so forth (each item more disturbing than the last) covered each and every last blank space. He hung his head low and sighed. Man… now there was obsessing and there was _obsessing_. Something was inherently wrong with this situation and it wasn't just the fact that he was wearing a considerably tiny pair of Hello Kitty boxers. Weirdly enough that seemed to be the least disturbing aspect of this whole predicament.

The lock from the door on the far side of the room clicked open and someone entered the room. Yuki looked up in hope, thinking that perhaps his duplicitous family had finally deigned to save him from this derogatory but his face fell when he saw it was Motoko, followed by her labrodoriosly loyal fanclub members Minami Kinoshita, Mio Yamagishi and Mai Gotou. Hey, I just noticed how all their names start with M! Call me unobservant if you will, but you don't really comprehend these things unless you write them down. I would have thought they'd all have secret code names started with 'Y' in honor of their beloved Prince Yuki and they'd have some sort of ridiculous handshake that involved slapping hands, bumping elbows and then standing on one leg whilst sticking your arm underneath the raised leg in order to shake the other persons hand. But that's just me.

"Well Yuki… you've led us on a wild goose chase since you wandered into our Secret Headquarters in the mall," Motoko purred in a predatory tone of voice. Comparable to the tone of voice a priest would use as he lured an altar boy into the back room of the Chapel with candy. "But now that we have you here, we must insist that you renounce your canon hetero relationship with the witch Tohru Honda, or else you will find yourself subjected to a protracted list of nauseating love songs, all sung to the tune of Brittany Spears; 'Sometimes I run.'"

Yuki found himself grinning in that deranged, strained way people do as a gag reflex. The bile rose in the back of his throat like a standing ovation, sending shivers of disgust and violation down his spine. This was the worst! This was even more horrendous than the time he'd been made to dress in that ridiculously cute and gaudy Cardcaptor type maternity dress as a favor to the seniors. He wondered if Akito had ever seen that photo…? Still, what did it matter? Akito wasn't one to throw stones in a glass house. That little homicidal twit was currently parading around like an ill invested addition to the Mardi gras, wearing a maid's uniform! At least the maternity dress covered Yuki's ass. (A factor many fangirls lamented)

Yuki huddled down in his little pink and flowery restraining chair, flexing his fists in the suspiciously well tied bounds. This was all too much like that game Shigure once played with him in Primary school. Only Shigure had 'forgotten' to untie him and Yuki had been left outside in the rain and caught pneumonia. He'd nearly died but Shigure thought it had been pretty funny, so no harm done right.

"Fine," Yuki surrendered without much resistance. "I promise to renounce my canon relationship with Miss. Honda."

The three members of the fanclub prepared to celebrate but Motoko was quick to cut them short. She held up a hand to silence them and then turned back to Yuki, her plum colored eyes stern.

"That is exactly what we were hoping to hear Prince. But I'm afraid that due to unforeseen circumstances in the last chapter of this lazily updated fic, we have had to reconsider our priorities." A dramatic wind blew in from nowhere, sending goose bumps rippling down Yuki's creamy white flesh; the tone as pale and rich as Devonshire clotted cream. The fangirls stopped to coo at him as though he were some cute button eyed puppy dog in the window of a pet store before returning to the dilemma at hand. Motoko's eye's got that scary firm look again. "It has come to our attention that our beloved Prince has entered into a…" She struggled to say the evil, _evil _word that denied all her dreams and beliefs as a certain episode 97 did for a particular fanfiction author. The pain and agony on her face was palpable. " – a… homo-homo-s-se-sexual relationship with… with…"

"Another man?" Yuki suggested helpfully. Motoko nodded spunkily.

"Mmm-hmm! That's right!"

"Prince, how could you!" Minami whined, hands clasped together before her like she was praying. You could practically hear the; '_Dear God, please make his gayness go away' _ringing out from her mind. "How could you have involved yourself with that white haired… relative of yours when you know how much we love you?"

"Well… well I… _oh shit_." Said Yuki, forgetting for a brief slip that he was supposed to be the relatively clean spoken half of the 'Slapstick-Rivals-Love-Triangle' couple. But what else was he supposed to say in this disagreeable circumstance? He knew what was coming.

Motoko slapped her hand down forcefully on Yuki's thigh, causing the silver haired bishounen to squeal in horror. Not to mention pain. That bloody woman would have been brutal in a bitch fight. Motoko enjoyed her momentary roost, her eyes fluttering as she obviously envisioned how much further she would have liked to take this contact, before her thin eyebrows creased down again.

"Before we begin our… _ahem _appropriation of you Prince Yuki, we must ask now that you too renounce your affair with this… this…"

"Man." Yuki sighed, wishing she'd stop wriggling her fingers like horny worms against his thigh. It was kind of distracting.

"Yes. With this… man. Will you do that Yuki?"

Yuki looked around, taking in his situation at second glance. He was tied to a chair, trapped in a jail cell in the basement of his most ardent fangirls house with no hopes of rescue, no sign of an escape route and no possible method of breaking free from his restraints even with his Rodent charged SPESHUL mouse powers. His situation looked pretty bleak. He could see no other way out of this… unless…

The sweet music came on. A beautiful perfume filled the air with its divine scent. Yuki's eyes got the big dewy look that worked its stuff so well in classics like Bambi. He put on his cutest and most practiced, 'I'm-so-lovely-and-innocent-' look and tilted his head to the side.

"But… Miss. Minagawa… I'm…" He paused and sniffled, a perfect silver lining arching down his cheek. "I'm… I'm in love with Haru… I don't want to let go of what we have together…"

Unfortunately, Yuki's hormone charged powers of cuteness worked just a _little _too well. The fangirls all made the cooing noise again and then they jumped him, hands roaming all over his underage body. Yuki shrieked as he tried to hop to safety, the chair nearly tipping backwards in his failed escape attempts.

"No, wait! Stop! Don't DO THIS TO ME! I HAVE TO SAVE MYSELF FOR HARU! I don't wanna lose my innocence to a bunch of fangirls! Miss. Minagawa, would you please move your hand?"

Pause.

"… ! Not _THAT _way!"

Enough was enough. Desperate times called for desperate measures and Yuki couldn't think of a better time to qualify than _this. _Mustering all of the unmolested strength he had left, the poor mouse tilted his center of gravity and started to hop away from the fangirls, still firmly tied to his chair. The fangirls chased him round and around the room, finally subduing him and the chair with much effort. To Yuki's horror, he found himself being dragged to a previously unseen part of the Mouse de Molestation Room of Doom, hidden from view by a large black curtain. When pulled back it revealed a shiny and somewhat familiar lab table with many sharp and pointy instruments, not to mention an uncanny likeness of his head floating in a large jam jar. Yuki was unequivocally baffled.

Motoko turned on him, her face more innocent and happy than you would have thought possible in this disconcerting situation.

"It's time to start the experiment!" She hissed in an affected tone that sounded more pervy from where the source actually originated. (Another prize for those who can guess where this was ripped from.) "Girls, we know what has to be done. Or Prince Yuki must know how completely we adore him and we must prove so by harvesting from him, the part of him that he denies to us! What he seeks to condemn us from ever knowing!" She thrust her fist in the air and declared with much bravado. "We _shall _prevail!"

"WE SHALL PREVAIL!" Chorused the fangirls in a brainwashed zombie fashion.

Yuki fainted.

_KA-CHING!_

"Gee, Yuki's taking an awfully long time." Shigure mused, stuffing another handful of popcorn into his mouth. Ayame nodded as much as he could from his current position around Shigure's waist.

"Do you think he's in trouble?"

Kyou made a violent gesture with his hand, which seemed to convey his fondest wishes for our intrepid little rats' safety. "Ah, who cares? It's his own damn fault for not being firm enough with those damn groupies in the first place. If you ask me, he got exactly what he deserved!"

Tohru, who had taken a seat on the curb near Kisa and Kagura, looked up worriedly at the windows above the main door of the shop. She hadn't seen anyone moving around in the upper rooms and wondered if this should be a cause for concern. She didn't want to seem as though she was overreacting though, this tended to make people uncomfortable so she didn't mention it to any of the others. Hatori was the one who decided to hog the brilliant deduction to himself however. Hey, he's the boring one! If anyone's going to be rational in this situation it's him.

"Yuki has been gone for quite a while…" The doctor checked his mid-life crisis watch and then glanced at the upper windows. "I think it's time we call this dare off and head home now."

Momiji bounced up to him, eyes wide and despondent. "Oh Hari! Don't be so dull!" He squeaked, ignoring the baleful look the dragon shot him with his one good eye. "Yuki's probably having a great time in there and you'll just ruin it for him if you drag him out now!"

"Yeah I'm sure he's having a great time!" Kyou mocked, though of course we know he's secretly pining to see Yuki in those sexy non-existent boxers again. Kyou suddenly turned his face skywards and stuck his hands on his hips.

"Now lets get something straight you no-life, sit at home on Saturday night and write smut instead of going out and making friends loser!" He quipped to someone he obviously figured was hovering on a cloud somewhere above. I'm beyond knowing who. How does one rationalize Kyou when the man is completely irrational himself?

Kyou pointed upwards. "STOP MOCKING ME!" He roared, veins popping out bulbously in his neck. "And since we're having this discussion, why don't you just quit it with the whole 'I secretly want Yuki' thing! It's getting seriously old!"

Well excuse me Kyou but _you're _the one always obsessing about him.

Kyou's face flamed red. "I am NOT! I just wanna beat him so I can become a member of the zodiac! You make me sound so perverse!"

You make yourself sound perverse my dear. You don't need any help from little old me.

"Now look here you-''

Shigure raised an eyebrow as he glanced over at his orange haired cousin who was proceeding to yell, curse and scream abuse at the sky. "Uh… Kyou? You _do _realize you're having a conversation with someone who isn't really there, don't you?"

"Tell that to HER!" Shrieked Kyou as he pointed directly up in the air.

'POINTING IS _RUDE_.' Boomed the author hollowly, giving Kyou a first class demonstration in etiquette. The poor cat clutched his head as he fell to the ground and started going insane on the spot. If things weren't bad enough, now he was hearing voices in his head that didn't seem to posses the capacity to whisper. He doubted what was left of his already useless brain would ever recover.

Akito had been staring at Motoko's house with a stroppy look on his face as though willing Yuki to exit would somehow make it happen. Unfortunately, apart from their striking similarities, Akito is _not _related to Hanajima and doesn't have dempa powers and no amount of glaring and willing and constipated expressions was going to have any effect on Yuki or the house in which he was being held. After blowing a blood vessel or two, Akito finally got fed up and spun on his heel to face Shigure.

"This is ALL your fault Shigure! If Yuki loses his innocent virginity to those fangirls before he loses it to me, it will be all your fault! I'll hold you responsible if I'M not the first to deflower him!" He hollered, pointing a shaky finger at the reclining figure of our manipulative canine.

He was wearing a maid's outfit.

Shigure yawned lazily and rested even further back into the comfy pavement, Ayame's head residing on his stomach and his hand attempting to inconspicuously creep up the other side of his 'author' kimono. Maybe he'll find that pen Shigure was talking about in the first manga. …Not that I read the manga or anything because the manga _lies._

"Akito, even in the remotest desert island with no hope of rescue chance that Yuki would ever find himself in a compromising position with you… how in _god's name _would you know what to do?" Shigure winked and snapped his fingers as though he were god's gift to virgins. "I mean, you've certainly _been _in plenty of lemons, but the truth's a little flatter now isn't it my skinny friend?"

Just as Akito was about to deflower Shigure with his feather dusty, Ritsu reappeared from the curb where he had collapsed a good fifteen minutes ago. Sadly (or not sadly depending on whether your like horny Ritsu or not) the unconscious tour into the filthy world of cigarette butts and broken bottles hadn't assisted in sobering the monkey up at all. Right now his beady little brown eyes were focused back on Akito, who he seemed suddenly fascinated with. Perhaps that's the _real _reason Ritsu wants to be like Ayame. He wants to be able to make kinky outfits. Ritsu has a secret maid's fetish, EGADS!

Akito noticed him staring again and squirmed. "Hello…" He said about as cheerfully as someone who'd just found out they were pregnant with ET. Ritsu just stared at him in a creepy way that may have been because he was possibly on LSD. Or boringly enough, simply because he was drunk. Ignoring the family masters discomfort, Ritsu picked up the struggling Akito and said; "Awww! Isn't it cute?"

Kyou looked as though that was the last thing you would call it. You may as well have called Hitler a pacifist. But none the less, Ritsu was hugging and kissing the squirming family master, running a hand through his bonneted hair and perched him on his knee like some kinky mannequin. Akito looked extremely ungrateful. "Aren't you sweet? You're so Nice and Pretty and pink! I love you!"

"Now why does that sound familiar?" Hatori wondered as Momiji rationalized that the 'pink' Ritsu had been referring to was the color of Akito's cheeks while Ritsu had been cuddling him. Shigure was too busy rolling around laughing to say anything constructive and Ayame was still busy trying to tear upon his kimono and have his savage and unbridled way with him.

It was amazingly enough at this point that Haru turned up with Kureno in tow.

_Ring, ring! _Went the little bell on Haru's bike. Everyone looked up and pulled a face at the traveling arrangements. Q-Chan was happily perched on Haru's shoulder whilst Kureno was sitting in the whicker basket, legs strung at a ridiculously high angle, holding onto the copious amounts of candy. Haru leapt off of the bike, sending it and his passenger crashing to the ground and posed in the dramatic wind as Final Fantasy victory music played in the background.

"Mission ACCOMPLISHED without my pants!" He cried performing a little victory dance. Q-Chan clapped his praise, or maybe he was just humoring Haru you never know. Kureno moaned as he pried his ass out of the tiny basket and handed over the bags of candy to Haru. Haru presented the loot to Shigure with much flourish. "Here is the candy without my pants."

Shigure beamed and jumped up, bringing Ayame with him. "Ah, good work Haru! The dares over now, so you really don't have to keep saying 'without my pants' anymore."

Haru blinked and looked a little sad. "Oh yeah… man and I'd just gotten used to saying it too."

Hatori didn't seem happy with him for some reason. He strode on over to the leather clad cow and struck him forcefully across the cheek with the STOLEN pointer ruler which he'd pulled out of his ass at the last second. … Okay, not really folks. Don't take it literally, you know what I mean.

"Hatori!" Tohru gasped in horror.

"Hari!" Ayame whined jealously. Hatori had never hit _him _before with the STOLEN pointer ruler and he was the most annoying character in the cast.

Hatori ignored them all and fixed his scary gaze on Haru like a big (boring) scary parent. As he scolded him, he continued to wave the stick pointedly in the air above Haru's head to really drill the point home.

"Young man, how many times have I told you not to talk to strangers when you go out! Much less bring them home!"

Kureno sank to the pavement with a despondent sigh. "Ho-hum."

Haru made note of this valuable information (as should we all. Remember kiddlets: don't bring strangers home.) and gestured to the house the crowd was congregating around with the hand that wasn't currently soothing his aching cranium.

"What's going on?" He asked conversationally. He noticed one very key member of their group was missing. "Yuki…?"

"Is currently completing his dare." Shigure offered, hiding the bag of sugary produce from Momiji who was staring at it very rabidly. When Haru raised an eyebrow, Momiji took it upon his little blonde self to explain with outrageous arm movements and special effects.

"See, Kyou suggested that we throw Yuki to the fangirls in the nude because, well, you _saw _how they reacted at the mall, right? Well Shigure thought that was a bit too risqué for this clean and family friendly fic so instead, we made him come over here and go inside only wearing his boxer shorts. But he's been in there an awfully long time…"

Ayame suddenly leapt up as though he'd come to a decision. His eyes gleamed with realization.

"THAT'S IT!" He declared. "If I rescue Yuki's from his adamant fangirls clutches, then he'll be _begging _me to bond with him! _That's _the master plan! God my genius outstands me sometimes!"

He slapped the palm of his hand resolvedly and then dashed to the doorway of the Minagawa residence. "Hang on Yuki, I'm coming!"

"Something I'm sure Yuki _never _wants to hear…" Hatori grumbled, watching with marginal amusement as Ayame squatted and attempted to pry open the large steel enforced shutter. He heaved and strained. He pushed and lifted. He groaned and grunted.

Nope. That thing was just not going to open in a million years. The fangirls brains weren't so completely eroded by Yuki love that they'd forget to nail that thing into the ground so no one could rescue him.

Ayame stepped back, dabbing at his slight perspiration with the hem of his expensive garment. His stained blue hair shone in the hot sun, giving him a vague angelic look. An angel who didn't know the first thing about hair dye but an angel regardless.

"Well, I won't be getting in that way…" He deduced running his finger along his chin thoughtfully. A second later he forcefully thrust his finger skyward, his expression so enthusiastically genki he almost put Watari to shame. "EUREKA! I have it! I'll simply break into the house next door and swing from the upstairs window through the opposing window in Motoko's house! Like Tarzan and Jane! It HAS to work!" He cupped his hands around his mouth, forming a primitive sort of microphone. "HOLD ON YUKI, I'M COMING!"

Kyou prodded his ears. "Something you really don't have to hear twice…" He complained.

Ayame spun on his heel and wiggled his finger about to include half the assembly of the Sohma's. His face had a forceful and determined look on it. A look that usually ended with him being hurt by someone half his size and strength. Namely his brother.

"I shall require assistance in this tenacious task!" He explained to the blinking, concerned faces that were all praying he wouldn't pick them. "Okay! _You, you _and… _you _with me, now."

The whole group nodded reluctantly and moved off towards the house to the right of the Minagawa's.

Ayame waved his hands. "No, wait, wait, wait… _who _did I tell to come with me?"

The whole group pointed at themselves. Then, they looked uncertain and pointed at each other. Ayame slapped his forehead.

"No Haru… you're with me. Yuki's your lucky lover after all! You can't _possibly _bypass this chance to save him, now can you? Akito, you're also with me. I may need a distraction to buy me time whilst I whisk Yuki away to safety."

Akito didn't like the way he said 'distraction.'

"Shigure, sweetie, I need you to stay here and keep an eye on everyone. Especially Hari, you know how frisky he gets this time of day. (Hatori: … ) Ritsu…" Ayame stopped mid-sentence as he saw Ritsu gyrating his hips against Akito's frill clad buttocks whilst trying to entice him to 'Shake his tail-feather.' Akito had an exasperated expression on his face as though he were on the verge of doing so, just to get the insistent monkey to leave him be. Ayame sighed and continued to divide up the 'forces.' Shigure was to stay outside with Tohru, Kisa, Hiro, Momiji, Hatori, the strange weird guy Haru had picked up and Ritsu (basically all the useless combat impaired ones) whilst Haru, Kyou, Kagura, Akito (who is useless and combat impaired himself but he has an alternative role in this little rescue attempt. Besides he needed a good reason to escape from Ritsu) were to storm the fort. Operation: RESCUE YUKI SOHMA FROM MULTIPLE FANGIRL MOLESTATION had begun!

Ayame turned to wave goodbye to everyone (especially his beloved Shigure) and caught sight of Ritsu patting Akito whose eyes were glowing red and mouth was frothing. He heard Ritsu say; "Oh you're so cute. Yes you are!"

Akito growled threateningly.

Ayame swallowed and tried to remain positive. He waved merrily. "Well, we're off to save my little brother from perilous peril! Wish us luck!"

And so, they entered the house next door…

_KA-CHING!_

"MWAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAAAA HAAA!" Motoko laughed like a maniac.

"Oh would you just shut up already!" Yuki snapped, losing his patience. He was tied up to the sterile surgical table with red ribbons around his wrists and ankles that for some kinky plot reason, he hadn't been able to escape from. "You've been laughing like a whacked up moron for the last half hour, it's getting on my nerves! If you're going to cut me up and clone me all for your sadistic, perverse fangirl pleasure, then go for it! But _no one _not even that stupid _baka neko _deserves to listen to your LSD induced witches cackling!"

The author would like to take this opportunity to advise that drugs are very bad and you shouldn't do them. Regardless of how drugged I myself sound when I write this, I do not in fact take drugs. Surprising I know. Consider this a little public service announcement.

Motoko's eyes iced over. Big goopy tears formed in the corners. "Prince Yuki… how could you say something so… cruel…" Her face took on a malicious tint. "Now you shall have to be punished. Number 1? Scalpel."

"Right!" Mio chorused, slapping the shining tool into Motoko's outstretched hand with surprising delicateness. It was almost like they had practiced this or something. Hatori would have been aghast at the sight, perfectionist that he was. Dear Lord, they weren't even wearing surgical masks, the fiends!

"I think, we shall start with a vertical cut straight down the solar plexus…" Motoko murmured, lowering the scalpel with deranged accuracy. Yuki's eyes widened as the scalpel cut deep and his mouth opened in a horrified scream of mortal terror.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

_KA-CHING!_

Just one house away, Ayame Sohma could detect the pained scream of his brother Yuki's protests! It must have been that deep brotherly bond he knew they shared! That or the fact he shrieked so loudly the entire freakin' neighborhood heard him.

"Yuki!" Haru gasped, on the trembling verge of going black. If those damn fangirls had hurt his Yuki, he'd wring their skinny mal-nutritioned necks and stick their obsessive memorabilia up their stalker asses!

Ayame thrust out his chest, trying in vain to look heroic and failing miserably. "Boys! It's time to do our best! Let's kick some groupie booty!"

"Finally. Some violence…" Akito purred as though he had been reunited with his long lost lover. Ayame, clearly into this whole Team Sohma thing, placed his hand out straight palm down. He grinned at them all like a retarded geffling.

"A!"

Kyou groaned and gave in, knowing they weren't likely to get anywhere if he didn't. "K."

"K!" Kagura agreed, slapping her hand over Kyou's and squeezing it over affectionately. Kyou twitched and paled as the bones cracked in his hand.

"A!" Akito squealed getting into the swing of things. Haru lastly added his hand to the pile, thoughts of sweeping Yuki up into his arms and carrying him off into the sunset where they'd find a convenient place to make mad passionate love, spurring him into this greater act of retardedry.

"H."

"Let's go TEAM AKKAH!" Ayame trilled loving how he managed to make it sound so hip. Like ABBA. He pumped his arm in the air and started singing 'Dancing Queen' much to the others bane. Kyou glanced out at the window from the opposing building, trying to figure out how to span the distance. It was too far for him to jump and besides, he'd need to break the window first.

He sighed and vein popped. "Why am I even wasting my energy on this? It's not like I care what happens to that stupid rat…"

Haru rubbed his chin with the flat surface of his index finger. "Just _how _are we going to get across there Ayame?"

Ayame flashed a pleasant grin, which was usually a sign that something not so pleasant was about to happen. "Why, I'm so glad you asked…" With that little misleading enigma of an explanation aside, Ayame then proceeded to rip off his clothing revealing a tight and ill fitting Spider Man suit underneath. Kyou gulped and nearly fainted. Akito took a better look. "We'll fly through the other window using spider power! SPIDY POWER DON'T FAIL ME NOW!"

Kyou finally dragged himself off of the floor, rubbing his fairly bruised cranium. "And I thought Akito's maid outfit left nothing to the imagination…" he grumbled. If you really need to visualize ladies and gentleman, let me just say that spandex and groins do not mix. Really. I don't understand why some people try to pretend it does when it clearly doesn't.

Kagura smiled benignly and locked her arms around Kyou's upper body in a passionate embrace. "Oh darling… don't you fret over that! There's no need to be jealous! I'm sure that you would look just as good in a Spiderman suit as Ayame does!"

"DAMMIT WHO THE HELL ASKED YOU?"

Haru scratched his head. "Whilst that's all very well and good Ayame, it still doesn't solve the problem of how we're going to actually get through the glass. We'll probably need to break it with something…"

"Yes… but what?" Akito mused, scratching his chin and trying to ignore the author's beady little eyes as she perved discreetly on him.

It was at this point that Kagura finally erupted into one of her full blown 'love-hurts- tanties' and punted Kyou hard like a football. Our resident furball went flying through the air, shot straight through the open window and crashed through the glass of the opposing one, landing in a bloodied heap in the far building. Ayame beamed and clapped his hands together.

"Like THAT!" He elaborated in case anyone had missed the sight of the orange haired Kyou Sohma flying through the air like a brick. As Kagura fumed in the background, Ayame produced a spool of complimentary Spider Web tm and pressed a little button on the side, a long thin sinew of the sticky substance flying out and catching on the next door neighbors' roof. Haru and Kagura looked mildly apprehensive at what the silver haired queer was going to make them do but Akito looked downright terrified.

"But I'm _scared _of heights!" He insisted, looking down at the ground with knocking knees. "And besides, we're so high up! What if people look up my skirt?"

Ayame waved a hand as though he'd never heard of anything more ridiculous in his life. "Akito, don't be so absurd. You may not believe this but you really aren't the center of the Universe. _I _am. And everyone will be staring at _me _in my spidey outfit. Now come on, we've got no time to spare! Yuki's in danger!"

Kagura, Haru and Akito found themselves slung around Ayame's body like bicep clinging wenches as the snake tested the hold of the web. Haru prayed the stuff supported value for money and the cheap shit wouldn't tear through. It was a _long _way to the ground.

"Hey! This is _just _like that Stars Wars movie, where Luke Skywalker had to swing across on the sand hover thing to rescue Princess Leia from Jabba the Hut!" Ayame enthused as he climbed up onto the window ledge. Haru raised an eyebrow.

"What? So _you're _Luke Skywalker, Yuki's your sibling so he'd be Princess Leia and Motoko is… Jabba the Hut?"

Ayame nodded. "Yep! And I'm going to rescue him from life as a slimy slugs' sex slave!"

Haru considered. "The scary thing is… that symbolism kind of works."

"YEAH! Now let's go! DA DA DA DA DA, DA, DA, DA!" Ayame tried to badly imitate the Star Wars theme music as he gripped the web firmly and swung them across the dangerous chasm between the two houses, Akito screaming like a sissy the whole time. Meanwhile, the people in the house they'd come from tried to figure out just what those cross dressing men had been doing there in the first place.

_KA-CHING!_

"OMG! I could _totally _see up Pretty Akitty's skirt!" Momiji squealed like a fangirl.

"Yeah!" Tohru cheered and then quickly back-peddled as everyone looked at her weirdly. "It's… um… very disturbing…"

_KA-CHING!_

Motoko had just finished making the final incision when a silver haired man in red webbed spandex came spiraling down from the ceiling like some bad footage from _Mission__ Impossible. _He seemed about to say something but at the last minute, the cord of the cheap string he was hanging from snapped and he landed on the ground with a hard 'OOF!'

The fangirls stared as he clambered to his feet like a brave little soldier and then quickly got over his current injury and embarrassment. He pointed a finger at the girls and struck a dramatic pose.

"AHA!" He bellowed. "I _knew_ it was YOU; DELILAH!"

Motoko blinked. "My names not Delilah."

Ayame blinked back. "It's not? Oh, excuse me, my mistake. Let me try again." The Spiderman wannabe then left the room by the convenient staircase and then proceeded to reenter the scene, just as dramatically as before but with none of the falling flat on his face shenanigans this time around. He posed once more and stuck his erect finger out. "I _knew _it was YOU, MOTOKO!"

Motoko sweatdropped. "Um… no."

"Damn!" Ayame cursed, slapping the palm of his hand. "I thought I had her!"

Kagura came running into view and struck a complimentary pose beside Ayame, hands on hips and one knee extended. "Prepare for trouble!"

"This is stupid." Kyou bitched predictably as he trudged up. Kagura kicked him in the ass.

"KYOU! You didn't say your line, why!"

"Because this is STUPID!" Kyou emphasized, rubbing his bruised posterior. Kagura's eye's flashed demonically.

"Kyou… say your line…"

"NO!" Kyou screamed. "Gone are the days that you could just heft up some giant bolder and threaten to crush my skull if I didn't go along with your sadistic demands!"

Kagura picked up a conveniently placed boulder and balanced it precariously above her shoulders. Her eyes continued to flash. "Kyou darling… say your line…"

Now Kyou had his pride. But to be honest, what was left of it was taking a severe beating from that sissy rat boy walloping his ass everyday and going along with the script writers designs on his and Tohru's relationship. There really wasn't any point getting killed over something that was already giving out its' death rattle as he lay there quivering and begging for mercy. With an ambient sigh, Kyou struck a camp pose you wouldn't have a hope in hell seeing in the manga or anime.

"And make it double!"

Kagura grinned, knowing victory when she saw it and tossing the bolder aside, resumed her position next to Kyou. "To rebel the fangirl population!"

"To save the rodent from degradation," Kyou sang striking a pose and trying to look sexy. He looked like a Barbie doll dipped in starch. Never mind that. It turned Kagura on. Though Kagura could be turned on by Kyou announcing that he did a poopie so that's not really saying much.

"To denounce the evils of puppy love!" Said Kagura, latching onto Kyou and proceeding to hug him until his head just about burst like a zit.

"To extend our reach, to every night club!" Kyou choked out, trying to push his own fangirl away. Kagura leapt into his arms and posed with one finger in her mouth, wriggling her legs and managing to bunt Kyou in the face at the same time.

"KAGURA!"

"Kyou." The cat muttered with a lot less flair as he dropped Kagura. She didn't seem dissuaded and instead jumped on his back, flinging her arm in the air like a cowboy riding a buckin' bronco. … Oh God… I just gave Yuki/Haru fans even _more _inspiration.

"Team Sohma's here so prepare to fight!"

"Surrender now or I'll pull off my tights…" Kyou blah-ed looking bored. Haru ambled up and made a half-hearted attempt at a pose. To be accurate, he stuck one leg in the air and made 'Spirit fingers.'

"That's right." He monotoned. The fangirls sweatdropped.

Ayame made a dramatic gesture and thrust his knee into the air, bringing it down all forcefully whilst his hair whipped in that handy dandy Symbolic Wind from Nowhere tm. His voice took on the persuasive and assuring tone he's so (not) well known for.

"Don't worry Yuki!" Camera swoops in all dramatically. "We'll save yo- AAAAAAH!"

Ayame screeched to a halt in mid-sentence as he noticed the scalpel clenched in Motoko's hand and the fangirls hankered around Yuki's deathly still body. He slapped his hands to his face in horror. "OMG! You MONSTERS! What have you done to my baby brother!"

"YUKI!" Haru howled desperately, about three captions away from falling to his knees and inquiring the sky as to why this terrible fate had befallen his beloved. Mio gave a chortling little cackle that boiled down to the fact she'd gone off of the deep end.

"The experiment was a success, President Motoko…" She creeped, placing the used scalpel back on the tray. Motoko nodded.

"It appears so." She stated, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. "We must now prepare the extraction for presentation. Ladies! Bring me the duct tape!"

Team Sohma watched in perplexed interest as the Prince Yuki fanclub carried their 'extraction' over to one of the heavily adorned walls and proceeded to hang it on of the lesser covered surfaces. Kyou was the first to find his voice.

"…His… boxers…?" He asked mystified. "The extraction was his _boxers? _BOXERS!"

Motoko blinked at him in surprise. "Well of _course_ Kyou. We're the Prince Yuki fanclub. How can we call ourselves worthy of obsession if we don't possess at least _one _article of his underwear? Now our collection is complete!" They all stood back and sighed as they took the wall and all its glorious hangings in.

Yuki sobbed from over on the surgical table. "I feel so VIOLATED!" He sobbed.

Haru quickly ran over to save him but stopped as he came to the deduction that since Yuki's boxers were now on the wall… they were now no longer on him. He spent the next few moments enjoying this lovely new development whilst Yuki continued to go redder and redder under his gaze.

"Oh poor, poor Yuki…" Haru simpered in very, _very_ fake sympathy. "All naked and helpless and vulnerable… and tied up…"

"OH GOD! LET ME UP OFF THIS TABLE NOW!" Yuki hollered attempting to kick his legs in a dissuading way. It didn't really have the effect he hoped what being naked and all and Haru's eyes only continued to get brighter.

Ayame, wanting to play the heroic older brother, did his duty and skipped on over to untie the humiliated mouse before Haru could go black and have his wicked way with him. Motoko noticed Yuki climbing up off of the table and that's when the shit really went down.

"Hey, that's not yours! … Well, yes, since he's your brother I guess it is but I have him now!"

"No you don't." Ayame insisted pointing to Yuki who was attempting to keep his obnoxious brother between himself and the licentious Haru. "I do."

This was the moment when Akito decided to make his entrance. "How dare you all walk off and leave me like that! This vegetable shop is so big I thought I'd NEVER find you!" He huffed putting his hands on his hips and glaring at each of them in turn.

He was wearing a maids' uniform.

Mai clapped her hands together in sudden girlish glee upon Akito's arrival. "Hey, Prince Yuki! I didn't know you had a twin sister!"

Akito puffed out his cheeks like a chipmunk and proceeded to chuck a tantee. Everyone looked on apprehensively until he was finished and gathering the remnants of his tattered pride. His black eyes locked on Mai and the fangirls like a battleship acquiring a target.

"GOD DAMMIT! How many times do I have to tell you people! I. AM NOT. A GIRL! I'M A REAL BOY!" He foamed at the mouth.

"But he _is _Yuki's twin and for one night only ladies, he's all yours!" Ayame said quickly, figuring he could kill two birds with one stone. With that, he gave Akito a forceful shove towards the fangirls and the remaining members of Team Sohma made their escape through the side door.

"I'll get you for this SNAKE!" Akito promised as the fangirls converged upon him in a clawing, squealing mess. "YOU JUST WAIT! I'LL GET YOU! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO! MWAAA HAAA HAAA!"

Kagura, Kyou, Haru, Ayame and a still rather naked Yuki took off running down a long and very stereotypical tunnel in that melodramatic slow motion fashion that is the stuff of drama everywhere. And just like all great drama's everywhere, before they reached safety, one of the girls had to go over on her ankle and not be able to continue on. Ayame did the honors.

"EEEK!" He screamed suddenly disappearing from camera shot and falling to the ground. "My ankle! I don't think I can go on! SAVE YOURSELVES!"

"Okay." Said Kyou without hesitation. He continued to run towards the light at the end of the tunnel with Kagura insistently hanging off of him.

Ayame's manner changed. "That's not meant to happen! He's meant to say he won't leave me! YUKI!" He sobbed desperately. "DON'T LEAVE ME YUKI!"

Yuki thought it would have been nice payback for Ayame being such a dick to him as a child but figured that he'd only have to hear about it later and frankly he couldn't use that saurous. With a world weary sigh, he raced back, threw his brother over one shoulder and ran for the entrance.

"Follow me; I'll be right behind you!" Haru called from somewhere to the left.

Yuki face faulted.

Finally after what seemed like forever, our heroes emerged into the sunlight. Everyone had a goofy moment of celebration, Ayame groping Shigure like they'd been apart for months, Haru attempting to grope Yuki just for the hell of it, Kagura groping Kyou because that's what her reason for existence is and Ritsu would have groped Akito if the prior wasn't passed out again in the gutter and the latter wasn't already being groped by a group of sexually unrestrained fangirls. It was a very tender and touching scene, particularly when Kureno moved forward and slung his jacket around Yuki's shoulders to keep him modest. Yuki gazed up at him thankfully and Kureno smiled back.

"Who are you?" Yuki asked curiously.

Kureno sank to the pavement again and hung his head. "Ohhh..."

Hatori climbed to his feet after examining the egg sized lump on Ayame's ankle. He wouldn't be able to walk on it, so Shigure (perverse gentleman that he was) offered to carry him back to his place. The strange new guy that Haru had picked up was stuck with the dubious task of transporting Ritsu's stewed carcass along for the ride. With dare number five out of the way, it was time to get cleaned up again and prepare themselves for the next 'enthralling' torture the governing presence threw at them. Yuki sighed, grateful for the fact that he had just made it out of that place alive and made a solemn vow to never take life for granted anymore. Every moment was precious and not worth condemning. Every word spoken, a gift. A blessing. Life seemed so much sweeter now that he had experienced the darker side. Nothing would ever snatch him from this peaceful resolve ever again.

"This chapter of Truth or Dare proudly brought to you by Rice Crispies!" Ayame and Shigure chanted, hefting a bowl into shot.

Yuki bapped them both around the head.

WILL MOMIJI'S DARE BE EVEN MORE SANITY THREATENING THAN YUKI'S? WILL ANYONE EVER RECOGNIZE KURENO? HOW IS AKITO GOING TO SURVIVE _THIS _LITTLE AHEM MISDEMENOUR? WILL RITSU ENTER DETOX? ALL THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE IN THE NEXT LSD INSPIRED VERSION OF 'TRUTH OR DARE!

(Folks, I was only kidding about the LSD things. Drugs are bad. Very bad.)

**A/N: **BTW, I want to make an official mention to a very faithful reviewer of mine named Iya Tan, who without her gentle incentive, I probably would not have found the inspiration to keep writing this fic! Thankyou so much for everything my dear! God bless and I hoped you enjoyed the new chapter!

Note: Offer of prize for guessing the correct number of Mental Breakdowns may be withdrawn at any point the author feels the compulsion to do so.


End file.
